Picture from our debut column in Metro
For some people, casual sex is no longer the sole goal of a booty call; casual intimacy has come into (the) play.
We call this The Free Trial: Some people can sample cheese in Whole Foods and keep on shopping, while others immediately purchase five pounds of super-aged gouda. And so with relationships: Some people like a small nibble of relationship — a bit of cuddling and hand-holding here, a bit of brunch with the crossword there — but it doesn’t make them crave an entire block of commitment. You can tempt them with free trials ’til the cows come home, but that might be just enough to sate them.
Unfortunately, cutting off the supply doesn’t change their behavior, either: some people just don’t need cheese in their lives the way others do (at least, not yet). Especially when there’s fro-yo next door and artisanal fudge across the street.
Free trial booty-callers realize that a little closeness can lead to hotter sex and more stimulating pillow talk. And for people who have learned to appreciate the trappings of monogamy, like home cooking and regular oral sex, but are loathe to be monogamous in those activities, there’s a lot to be said for casual intimacy.
That said, a facsimile relationship can be tricky to navigate. To enjoy casual sex, you just have to acknowledge that sometimes sex is serious, and sometimes it’s not. But to enjoy casual intimacy, you have to be casual about relationships, casual about people’s expectations, and sometimes even casual about people’s feelings.
Which is why we feel obliged to say this: You shall know the Free Trial Citizens by the trail of broken hearts they leave behind, by the ease and aloofness with which they perform PDA, by the days and days they can go without needing to see your face or bury their own in the crook of your neck — and you shall avoid them like the plague (or at least herpes).
- From our weekly Metro column — see it in print here.
- For more on casual spooning, see today’s later post, “Confession: I Need More Hot, Sweaty…Cuddling.”
I’ll have to go back a couple of decades…….it’s really hard to “spoon” in the backseat of the car….
I’m just the barefoot boy with cheek you need…real and genuine PhD from Columbia in experimental psychology. And I can tell you, with complete confidence, that nobody knows anything. And that even knowing everything would be no help at all: the box cannot contain the box. You may as well turn on whatever magic music machine you have and listen to the Beatles: “In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.” Not good enough? Then try the immoral words of Bill Mauldin [look him up]: “you got a better hole, go to it.”
ladies,
perhaps we should call the PhDs/MDs in on this question? i recently read (HuffPo) that the brain produces different chemicals when we have sex with a partner than when we masturbate. this was appropo of using sex to change our mood, treat depression and for stress relief. ostensibly, sex with a partner cures more of what ails you in these matters than masterbation does. so… might we conjecture that the brain operates a little differently in the cuddly afterglow mode than in the cum and run mode?
i’m guessing that we are actually hardwired to get all attached from the cuddle, but— that some of us, much like our cousins the prairie voles (go look it up)are more hardwired that way than others. sounds like a good topic for cocktails with a few neurologists, and a great topic for a study called “fun with CAT scans; your brain on Oxytocin.” no?
cheers!
Oh this whole thing leaves me very confused. surely sometimes the cuddles are meant and do mean more. If only there was a way to work out when. That would have saved me the last year of a confusing man in my life. I’m starting to think he aint ever commiting, cuddles or no cuddles!
i just got Free- Trialed! fudge! now im all over this guy.. and im waiting.. at home for him to call but my ohone doesnt ring! 🙁 what if thats all he wants.. to cuddle.. i mean its good but its true that us ladies get emotionally attached after passionate cuddling– so this is lesson learned.. no more passionate cuddling for me…
Spes, intimacy lite can be a great thing if it’s a mutual arrangement. But if it’s unilateral, it can totally suck!
I think you guys are being a bit unfair. As I recall you (Em&Lo) coined the term ‘intimate lite’. That didn’t sound quite so negative. I really like the term as it makes sense.
I really enjoyed, and when I was single preferred to have, the arrangement where a guy and I had sex but understood that it didn’t change anything, come the morning we were still just friends. For example with one guy, we would hang out like we would as friends, but we played around, held hands, kissed, and were cuddly like we would be in a relationship. However, I certainly didn’t want a relationship with him (I wish I could say the same for him). I knew we weren’t compatible enough to have our lives as integrated as a relationship would make them. So while we weren’t dating anyone else we it was nice to have the same perks of a relationship, but not have to deal with the stress of obligations and expectations that are inherent in a relationship. And it left us free to pursue other romantic interests that would be better suited to our relationship needs. Although admittedly, it’s a nice enough arrangement that I can’t blame anyone for wanting keep such going for a long while. No strings attached cuddling is more difficult to obtain than no strings attached sex.
I don’t spoon/snuggle/etc during a hook-up because I KNOW it will lead me to become more emotionally attached to the guy. And I’m not willing to put myself in that vulnerable position if the guy is clearly only looking for sex. That being said, I’m just not a “touchy feely” person either and would rather just chat in bed than cuddle.