Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do most guys think they can tell a faked orgasm from a real one? Do they even care? Are they just happy to be blissfully ignorant? Like they’d rather believe a faked orgasm than know she didn’t really have one? And if so, why?”
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Every guy will lie and say he can tell the difference, but usually we can’t, and we don’t really want to know the truth anyway. Ninety-nine percent of the time, a guy will believe he caused a real orgasm, and even if he has reason to doubt it, he won’t try too hard to investigate. It’s deeply satisfying to our ego, and with most women perpetuating the myth, it’s only a small percentage of lousy actors and honest women who burst the bubble for us.
Gay Single Guy (Angelo Nikolopoulos): As a gay man who thinks that sex sans an orgasm is as counterproductive as eating a Twinkie on a treadmill, faking an orgasm has always been an enigma of sorts to me. I imagine it must be as tiresome as pretending to enjoy a friend’s failed culinary attempt, theatrically helping yourself to seconds. But let’s face it, failed sex is like a bad pot roast: unless you’re Meryl Streep, no one around the table’s fooled. If anything, good lovers are like good friends: supportive, gentle, and never wary of pointing out your innumerable flaws. Unless you’re willing to take one for the team, there’s no reason to mask the obvious.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think it’s that easy to tell the difference between a fake orgasm and a real one. One reason for that is both porn and mainstream movie orgasms tend to be over the top loud and dramatic compared to actual real ones. So a better way to pose the question might be whether guys can tell a real orgasm from a faked one?!
As for whether guys even care? I sincerely hope so. While I think that, contrary to the dogmatic “she comes first” attitudes of the ’70s and ’80s, it shouldn’t be men’s responsibility to produce their partner’s orgasms, although it’s still really, really important to take an active interest in your partner’s enjoyment. And to do whatever you can to help each other get there. It’s not just that you’re selfish and rude if you don’t care, it’s that you’re missing half the enjoyment yourself!
I’ll say one thing, though. I used to be pretty arrogant, almost fetishistic, about giving every partner an orgasm every time. Which paradoxically just added a lot of performance pressure to each of us. When I finally learned to back off, I learned that not every partner has an orgasm every time… but I could be a lot more confident that the ones they had were real.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is Angelo Nikolopoulos, host of an NYC queer reading series The White Swallow, and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
I am a straight man, straight as an arrow. I can tell for sure if a woman has multiple orgasms, she sweats, she quivers, and she sounds like a cat mating with each other. It is the responsibility of the man to bring her woman into climax and she will be asking for more and more and more. Believe me I have done it. I just run out of steam…Viagra was not popular then…if it could had been, then it could be hours and hours of sex..sex..sex.
only a woman can know what makes her oragsm and its up to her to share this with her partner to let them assist her to climax…. I dont understand woman wanting to fake it, guess they are trying to make the man feel good about themselves but really all they’re doing is giving crappy lovers undeserved big egos! When i go into orgsm my muscles go into full spasms so shouldnt they guy be able to FEEL our orgasms?
And i think men need to remeber for most women its harder to reach orgasm but sex can be absolutely satisfying without orgasm, so yes if they are manic in bed each and everytime then you might want to question it.
There is a difference between “making” a woman “come” and helping her find her orgasm. As much as everyone is responsible for their own orgasm, there are still some techniques that need to be used to help a women “find” her orgasm. Meaning, it may be there, and doing the right things will help her get to where she needs to be, sexually.
A man cannot “make” a woman orgasm, although he CAN help by doing the things she likes to get to her orgasm. How does he know? He needs to ask, and SHE needs to know how to find her own orgasm.
It has been said that most women rarely or never orgasm from intercourse alone, this is true for most women (at least most of the time) for some multi orgasmic women, some need more help with the first orgasm, and then can have more via intercourse, oral sex (getting or giving) manual stimulation or just moving around.
Although a man cannot “make” a woman orgasm, he CAN learn what works for her and do the things which they have found work for her together.
Faking helps no one. Occasionally, NOTHING is going to work, and if a man is putting too much emphasis on “making her come” he will have some issues with himself, and with her when she doesn’t. If it is seen as something they do together, and SHARE and “find” the orgasm together, then there is less Ego wrapped up in “making her come” or “failing” to “make that happen.” If it doesn’t happen, as long as he has done all expected of him, he has no reason to feel bad for his effort, of course, feeling bad because she wasn’t able to have an orgasm is ALWAYS appropriate. My Man buys me flowers if this happens, (really) because he knows I become sad if I really want to orgasm and can’t, but it isn’t HIS “fault” IF he did what he needed to do, and for some reason my body wasn’t able to “get there.”
I never fake it. Not only do I consider this dishonest, but I know it would lead to actions that might continue my “dry streak.” Better he knows it didn’t happen, and live to try an other day, than be lead to think I did orgasm, and assume that something worked which simply didn’t. In the event that something which usually works fails to, it is no one’s fault. But, he knows, and is re-learning to ASK if I am either done or OK if it didn’t happen (if there was doubt, a lot of the time, if it DID happen, there is little doubt) For years I ALWAYS orgasmed and with perimenopause now I don’t always, so we have had to learn new ways of not only “finding” my orgasm together, but dealing with it if I really wanted to and couldn’t.
As he is older (he’s 50) sometimes HE can’t have an orgasm (particularly in the late evening, especially if he has had a few drinks) so we are dealing with these changing issues with our sexuality together. BUT, we are honest with each other. The only time I get upset is if he DOESN’T ask and in his words “acts like a pig in rut” which, thank heavens is becoming less common. (After I freaked out about it a few weeks ago.)
You and your partner are PARTNERS in this, and have to work on it together.
If a woman appears to orgasm every time she has intercourse, then she’s probably faking at least some of the time.
who actually cares? so long as i get my orgasm if she fakes it thats her own problem
The man who can spot a woman’s fake orgasm is the man who doesn’t need his woman to fake her orgasm. Only the men who are connected and attuned enough to their women to make them come are connected and attuned enough to them to know if they’re satisfied, and moreover, concerned enough about her satisfaction to make sure she gets enough of it!
The better question may be: can men spot REAL orgasms?, because once they do, they’ll never have to doubt them again! Once your man- if he’s a good man- knows that he knows how to do you right, there’s no stopping him!
God bless those men!
As a married guy, I have never been able to tell “for sure” when she had climaxed. The biggest fight we ever had, at about the 12-year mark, was when she tossed out the tidbit that she NEVER came solely from intercourse, and that she had been steadily faking it. I fought back by saying that when a woman fakes an orgasm, she is rewarding inappropriate behavior, so it served her right that she never got to come! We survived that tempest, and now we’ve been together for over 30 years.
I presume – I _HOPE_! – that she’s no longer faking it, but if she does, it serves her right. She seems to enjoy sex, but I have ti trust her on this – because I STILL can’t tell.
Right, Katie. My Man even now, sometimes has a hard time telling the difference between “I’m OK not having an orgasm this time.” (which is NOT common for me) and “I’m not done.” And assumes I am and gets up and leaves, or falls asleep.
Even after many years, I still try NOT to get pissed off when this happens but I still sometimes do.
Dudes, when in doubt ASK!!!! If we ain’t done, ain’t NOBODY gonna get any peace.
I don’t have to orgasm to enjoy sex either, but I will say it’s totally ok to check if we’re “done”! There have been instances where I’ve been nearing orgasm and the guy just pulls out and assumes I’m done! I don’t have the heart to correct those guys (what an ego-blower that would be…) But waiting until a girl’s body muscles completely relax and her facial expression changes from ecstasy to serene contentment is a good bet 🙂 It may not mean she orgasmed, but it means she’s been satisfied (or is just done with the session).
I take issue with the idea that good sex MUST culminate in an orgasm, as Angelo suggests. Some of the best sex in my life has been orgasm-less, sometimes for both of us. My boyfriend and I get pleasure from doing anything together–and if I particularly want an orgasm, I know I can just ask.
As a woman, I can appreciate Figleaf’s mention that it is not your partners responsbility to GIVE you an organism, but is quick to clarify the significance of taking an active interest. I enjoy sex thoroughly, but have always had a serious issue getting off with someone else around be it orally, during intercourse, or simply masterbation in the presence of my boyfriends. It’s an unfortunate thing, purely mental, and I feel I will successfully work through it one day, but for now, having a partner that genuinely cares how much fun I’m having in bed makes me emotionally orgasm…twice. Nothing is worse than a guy who has ZERO interest in my enthusiasm (or lack thereof as it usually turns out with these men), and it is apalling that these men are still out roaming the earth. Usually I am compelled to pull a Meg Ryan, over the top, FAKE orgasm just to prove that they are indeed just as awful as their worst nightmares have indicated, or to be positively mute, as if to indicate that the sight of a man writhing in ecstasy at my every touch is simply not enough to get me off – despite what their disgusting high school idols told them in the locker room 10 years ago.