Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Do guys ever turn down casual sex? To ask the guys your own question, click here.
Straight Married Guy (Jamie): My own experience with casual sex is a bit limited. I was always a “girlfriend guy” and it was only between relationships that I occasionally had the chance to get freaky with someone I wasn’t dating. I’m sure there are plenty of reasons why a guy might choose to go home to his Xbox over a no-strings-attached BJ, but in my case it was almost always because the girl was way too drunk. Call me old-fashioned, but there’s just nothing sexy to me about that slack-jawed, half-lidded stare from some girl in a bar who spills most of her drink wobbling over to you to invite you home. The couple of times I did go home with someone who was far less than sober, the sex was always overly urgent and awkward and (shocker!) I usually regretted it.
Straight Single Guy (Chris): Yes guys do, contrary to popular belief, turn down casual sex on occasion. The number one reason given, “That bitch was crazy!” It’s really simple. Guys love casual sex when it is actually casual. If the chances of the girl going sideways and stalking, calling every day thereafter, or crying hysterically is too high, the risk to reward ratio is simply not good enough to take the chance. In all likelihood, any guy who is trolling for casual sex has a handful of booty-call numbers in his phone anyway, and isn’t scared to use them.
Gay Married Guy (Jon Ross): Gay guys turning down casual sex is like Tara Reid turning down a drink, but it does happen from time to time. The reasons can include just about anything from “I’m too drunk” to “you’re too ugly,” to “I’m going shopping with my mom,” but I find the most common reason guys turn down casual sex is because they’re in or starting a more serious relationship. And straight guys? I don’t think they’re any different from gay guys in this respect (except for, perhaps, the shopping thing). To a lesser extent, guys abstain from doing it no-strings to avoid passing on any temporary if nasty bugs. Gotta be clean!
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Married Guy is Jon Ross and our Straight Single Guy is Chris DiClerico. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
I’ve recently been in this situation and realised (for me at least) its fear. I’m very inexperienced and just afraid when opportunity comes knocking. Opportunity comes a little too often for my liking. Ive had one on one initiations from women and even two offers for a threesome, but ive turned them down out of fear or being just out of my comfort zone. My friends would say “are you gay?” I’m not, but I would say to them and to her ” I’m too tired” or “I just don’t feel like it” or “I’ve got to be in work early tomorrow”. The worst bit is I’m too scared to say that I’m too afraid. Because everyone I know will say that’s stupid. I know guys who would risk pregnancy just for a good lay, on personal experience I had to turn it down once because she said “no no sex is way better without a condom”. I won’t risk it just for a good time. But it’s times like those that make me think twice and say it not worth the risk. But just me I suppose…
This reminds me of the young female reporter who was doing a human-interest story on the local old-folks home. She asked one octogenarian, rather naughtily, “Do you wear boxers or briefs?”
He replied, “Depends…”
Depends, is right. This is not something that happens a lot (wish it did), but when a woman initiates, there are sometimes reasons to say, “Sorry, No thanks.” I am always polite. Even to gay guys. (I’ve been around a long, long time, and I have had my experiences with this phenomenon.)
She may not turn me on. She may be totally not my type. She may be drunk. She may look a total flake. It doesn’t matter. If I am not in the mood, I am not in the mood. A smile, and a gentle, “No, thank you” is about all you can reasonably do.
(Doh! That would be “and that’s one of my favorite posts.”)
fl
“It’s just like we were saying about men who get hit on by women in bars”
Oh yeah. I’ve been reading you two for years and that’s one of my favorite post.
Short of maybe Brad Pitt every actively heterosexual man on the planet knows exactly how nerve wracking is to ask someone out… and just how much it can sting to get the rude brush off. And so every hetero man out there probably ought to either a) show a little collegial courtesy… or at least “honor among thieves.” 🙂 Or, seriously, a little sympathy and a considerate yes or no.
Not to put too fine a point on it, from men’s perspective the more women begin asking men out the more sympathy *we’ll* get when *we* ask *them* out!
figleaf
Nice, figleaf! Yep, this is part of the problem: Men don’t have much practice turning down casual sex, so they’re often not particularly gentlemanly about it when they do. It’s just like we were saying about men who get hit on by women in bars: https://www.emandlo.com/2009/01/do-it-tonight-mix-up-the-pick-up/
This is a trickier question than it sounds. One of the interesting consequences of a tradition that requires men to do all the initiating… and the obvious corollary that we only initiate when we’re interested… is that we rarely have to confront invitations when we’re *not* interested.
Don’t get me wrong, we’ve got enough expectations tied up in “scoring,” and we have enough institutional and biological padding that we don’t have to worry as much about consequences like reputation hits and pregnancy that we can get interested pretty quickly.
But still, when it happens and we’re clear-headed enough to assess the potential fallout, it would be nice to have some kind of vocabulary to fall back on besides “that bitch was crazy.” Because saying that? That’s more like covering up when you’re panicked and looking for excuses. My suggestion? How about manning up and saying “no thanks, I’m not in the mood.”
Just sayin’
figleaf
Men turn down casual sex:
1. From women they’re not at all attracted to (although we’ll even go for that sometimes)
2. When they’re sexually inexperienced and the prospect scares them
3. When they get laid all the time, and are in a position of abundance already.