Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do guys expect women to orgasm during intercourse? Do they feel like failures if it doesn’t happen during intercourse or if they get the orgasm by some other non-intercourse means? Or do they assume it’s the woman’s “problem”?“
Gay Married Guy (Jon Ross): In my extremely limited experience with women and intercourse (yes, there was that one time), I certainly did not expect her to orgasm. That would have been like winning the lottery: amazing but unlikely. While I didn’t feel like a failure when she didn’t orgasm — I would probably start to feel bad if it turned into more of a regular thing. However, if she orgasms she orgasms, whatever the method — it wouldn’t have to be through intercourse. I wouldn’t assume it’s the woman’s problem, but I wouldn’t consider it entirely due to my lack of love-making skillz either. From what I hear, getting women to climax is way more complicated and intricate than it is for a man, no matter what various videos on sites like mature sex movies might lead you to believe! — another bonus to being gay! We’re easy!
Straight Single Guy (Chris): I don’t know a single guy that expects a woman to orgasm regularly during intercourse. I am certainly more than happy to try my best before, during, and after in order to cause one or several orgasms during the course of the night. I will admit that I have been with a small handful of girls (2) who have had extreme difficulties climaxing under any circumstances, and I find it very frustrating. Of course I try harder, and of course they feel worse, and of course it doesn’t fix anything. I don’t have a solution for that. Otherwise, relax and enjoy yourselves and something will happen.
Straight Married Guy (David): Expect it? We demand it! And if for some strange reason it doesn’t happen we’re devastated, and frequently fall into a deep depression — for at least three minutes, until we fall fast asleep. If however our wife/girlfriend/lover/secretary/boss/local barista finds a way to arrive by some other means — bless her resourcefulness! — we’ll sleep slightly sounder.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is David Jacobs, a NYC-based photographer; our Straight Single Guy is Chris DiClerico; and our Gay Married Guy is Jon Ross of Boerum Hill Blog. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
Yeah…no. I have been with guys who couldn’t get me off but I never went to the default position of “well, I guess I should let a girl have a go at my lady-bits. From what I hear…there are enough women out there that can’t give a decent BJ so I doubt they would be any use to me even if I was will to switch teams to get to home plate!
Jo said: “This is why so many women go bi-sexual.” Um, I don’t think sexual orientation is a choice….
Grrrr.
Maybe men don’t EXPECT the woman he’s fucking to orgasm, but damnit I EXPECT to and I EXPECT HIM to do everything in his power to pay enough attention to me to facilitate this!
By golly if I can give a 3/4 mast a twenty minute blow-job with a crick in my neck, lips that are going numb by the minute and loose pubes sliding down my throat WHILE taking pride in his release then he can damn well return the favor.
This is why so many women go bi-sexual.
If more men brought their women to orgasm regularly then the age old “is my dick big enough” question would NEVER have to be asked.
Thank heavens My Man has never “expected” me to orgasm during just intercourse. Even from my very first time (when I thought, “Well, maybe it *just* will happen.” for some reason…..and of course, it didn’t. I was young and VERY inexperienced, what did I know?) he, however, knew most women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone.
Some other guys, either have NO idea or just don’t care. Dated a guy who did nothing but finger the goods for a few minutes and then just plunge in and continually ask, “Is someone coming?” and laugh. I really wanted to say, “Maybe, but it ain’t me.” What DID he expect, from his oral-less, lack of technique fumbling and 2 minutes of what he perceived to be “foreplay” then immediately to intercourse sex attempts? I have NO idea. I never lied to him though. I guess he thought it was “her problem.” *Shrug* I give this dude a pass, because I think he passed himself off as much more experienced than he really was. He was young, too (19) and I think maybe he just misrepresented himself as a Stud, which, although cute and gentle and sweet, was pretty clueless in the sack…..er back seat….
Some guys don’t ask, and I was never sure, “Does he not care, or did he not want to act like a jerk or not realize he either missed the signals or didn’t notice nothing happened?”
I get loud, so it’s hard to miss, so My Man never has to ask with the exception of the beginning of peri-menopause, where I was having these VERY unsatisfying G Spot orgasms, which evidently from the outside looked great, but were NOT all that fantastic. We remedied that (Thank you, Wahl 7 in 1 massager!) so we’re back on even understanding in that area.
I think most mature, experienced men know most women simply don’t orgasm during intercourse, or at least have their FIRST orgasm, if multi orgasmic, during intercourse. Some of us can come ANY way once we’ve had the first difficult one (which is usually much different to attain) but, at least for me, I was into my 30s before that started happening, so it was kinda a really happy surprise for both of us.
Does he expect and want me to have and orgasm? Of course. Do I every time? Nope, not anymore, but the multis kind of make up for the lack of everytime climaxes (one each time) of the past.
I think the men who don’t realize how female sexuality works maybe need to look into the data and learn techniques, if they really care. There are plenty of good books and websites that will give you the lowdown. One of my favorites is “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Total Sex” one of the BEST books on the market, for either the beginner or experienced lover.
if i don’t come to her climax, I am not a man. She will disrespect me and cheat on me. What is worse is she doesn’t even feel guilty about her screwing up; but take it for granted. That leaves a man helpless which could end up with a disastrous breakup.If you don’t know how to do it man, learn.Don ask me the whereabouts of the school.
That’s why I announce it, so they won’t be confused lol, I hate when guys ask me if I came, if I freaking look satisfied, it’s because you made me come!
@Tom…yeah, I guess we women just expect you guys are a “done deal,” and that it always happens for you. And worrying about it probably makes it even worse! I we all could use a handy “on” switch at times…
@ SS and @ Shewolf68,
Am a straight male and have been on the receiving end of one of those conversations from where it was reversed roles, my girlfriend of the time asked me if I’d come and hadn’t, after over 6 hours, i think its probably 10 times worse to be the guy and to be able to deliver for her only to then end up with her feeling dejected, for not being able to get to return the favour that was probably one of the few times I ever really felt shit in the relationship, having to try and explain to her that it wasn’t her fault, and then having to comfort her for it..
Agree, Shewolf68! I’m thinking there should be some sort of Mac app to locate the clitoris, you know, like a GPS…
I hate the “did you come?” question too. You don’t have to scream from the rooftops when having one but in most cases, if a woman is having an orgasm…you’re going to know!
Assume that if you have to ask…It didn’t happen!
Ha, David! My husband has tried to explain this “post sex torpor” to me, he says I have to *go* first, because he’s got about 30 seconds after sex before he falls into an unwakeable sleep.
This is where I really envy the gay guys…I bet there are very few post-sex “Uh, so, did you come?” conversations in their houses…grrr.