Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “Is there such a thing as ugly breasts, how do you describe them, and are they a dealbreaker for a guy?“
Straight Married Guy (Ben): I’m beginning to think that breasts are to women as dick size is to men: something women obsess over and endlessly worry about but, really, to guys? Not that big a deal. Boobs are boobs and they are, mostly, all wonderful. But just like some dicks actually are outliers – way too small or way too big – some boobs are not wonderful. Though, now that I think about it, I’ve never encountered any of them in real life. Sure, I’ve seen pictures of really blown out boob jobs or super saggy, wrinkled out breasts. But the jobbed up or post-baby breasts I’ve actually seen and touched? Pretty darn hot. In fact, now that I think about it more, I’m starting to question whether these unsubstantiated rumors of ugly boobs are anything more than some grand conspiracy theory – a few well-placed pictures on a fake website over here, an over-heard conversation in a bar over there … Is there such a thing as ugly breasts? To be honest, I don’t actually know.
Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Yes, Virginia, there are ugly breasts. We are human, after all. We can have ugly everything! We’ve all seen feet that looked like roadkill, noses that belonged on the Muppet Show and bellies that should be served at picnics with raisins floating in them. Or, rather, they looked that way to us. When it comes to sex and attractive body features, “ugly” is the most relative term in the world. So maybe you’re nipples do look like something Denny’s would pour maple syrup on and serve as their Grand Slam. Someone out there loves that! Or one boob isn’t quite on the same page as the other one. To some guy that’s like having two sets of boobs for the price of one. The point is that what one person finds ugly another will fondle and nuzzle for days. Dealbreakers are highly personal. Just because one person wants to break the deal, that doesn’t mean someone else isn’t waiting in the wings to scoop up those assets and conduct one hell of a hot, sweaty merger.
Straight Single Guy (Max):
First of all, breasts are never a dealbreaker. I’ve always liked to think of them like bonuses… but admittedly, some feel more like bonuses in video games rather than on wall street. While it might surprise you, the only times that these “bonuses” become a burden is in the rare occasion that they are actually TOO big. (Somewhere a big man just started crying). Boobs, much like butts, can become something of a distraction. Don’t get me wrong, I love a girl with curves, but I’d actually prefer a sexy girl with small breasts over a small girl with sexy breasts. You feel me? (Seriously. Do you?) For all the girls that are bummed out about their lack of cleavage? Get over it. Start working on being confident in what you are and stop worrying about what you’re missing because trust me. Self consciousness is a WAY bigger turn off than A cups.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England. To ask the guys your own question, click here.