Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “If he masturbates more often than he has (or wants) sex with me, his wife, should I be worried?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.
Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): I realize that some of my Wise Guys answers sit firmly on the fence, so it may be no surprise that my answer is…maybe. But it really does depend on context, specifically the sex drives of the parties involved, each of which obviously can settle anywhere in the vast spectrum. For instance, if the wife’s drive is completely satisfied by the couple’s sex life, yet the husband finds his own to be significantly higher than what the shared sex provides, then self-satisfying some of the time could be one healthy way to keep everyone happy (lest the difference in drives be big enough that tension could occur if the husband might otherwise excessively pressure the wife for sex when she doesn’t fancy it).
However, if the husband is literally choosing masturbation over intercourse a majority of the time, then concern is warranted about the root of this choice — whether it’s that the mutual sex is not physically gratifying enough, or that a sheer lack of emotional desire for it, and her, has developed. In which case, communication about what’s going on should absolutely ensue.
Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): That depends. Are you two still having regular, rewarding sex? It may seem a strange distinction to draw, but just because he masturbates more frequently than you have sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t getting any.
If your sexual relationship isn’t suffering, then don’t worry. Masturbation is far easier and more convenient than full-blown sex, plus he’s probably better at it. He’s been in training since his teenage years, and you don’t stop working out just because you made the team.
But if your man is no longer interested in sex at all, then you should say or do something about it. Maybe he has issues with his body, or is just plain lazy, so that the exertion involved in physical sex seems unappealing or too much effort. Why not suggest some mutual masturbation, or offer him a helping hand, to find out whether sexual contact still appeals?
If he isn’t interested in any form of two-way action, then he may be depressed, feeling lonely and isolated. It’s unlikely that he has simply stopped being attracted to you all of a sudden, and far more likely that some sort of emotional problem is putting up a barrier between the two of you. In either case, the way through it is to talk.
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): First question is: worried about what? Emotional infidelity? Sexual infidelity? That he may be gay? That he’s just lost all sexual interest in you? Be clear and identify what is your concern so you can address it head on without potentially embarrassing roundabout conversation.
If you’re worried that he’s lost sexual interest in you, I can honestly say that it is something you should be able to easily tackle by having an open and honest conversation with him about it. Be prepared. Try not to get too sensitive and instead be focused on taking steps to re-ignite the fire. Seriously, just ask, “Honey, is our sex life getting dull? And if you honestly think so, I want you to tell me, but I want us to try to work on this together.” And then surprise him with a “Show me what turns you on.” HOT!!!
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook of Most Likely To; our Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.