Wise Guys – Should I Worry If He Masturbates More Than We Have Sex?

photo by Tavallai

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “If he masturbates more often than he has (or wants) sex with me, his wife, should I be worried?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

mark_luczak_100Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): I realize that some of my Wise Guys answers sit firmly on the fence, so it may be no surprise that my answer is…maybe. But it really does depend on context, specifically the sex drives of the parties involved, each of which obviously can settle anywhere in the vast spectrum. For instance, if the wife’s drive is completely satisfied by the couple’s sex life, yet the husband finds his own to be significantly higher than what the shared sex provides, then self-satisfying some of the time could be one healthy way to keep everyone happy (lest the difference in drives be big enough that tension could occur if the husband might otherwise excessively pressure the wife for sex when she doesn’t fancy it).

However, if the husband is literally choosing masturbation over intercourse a majority of the time, then concern is warranted about the root of this choice — whether it’s that the mutual sex is not physically gratifying enough, or that a sheer lack of emotional desire for it, and her, has developed. In which case, communication about what’s going on should absolutely ensue.

james_glazebrook_100Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): That depends. Are you two still having regular, rewarding sex? It may seem a strange distinction to draw, but just because he masturbates more frequently than you have sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t getting any.

If your sexual relationship isn’t suffering, then don’t worry. Masturbation is far easier and more convenient than full-blown sex, plus he’s probably better at it. He’s been in training since his teenage years, and you don’t stop working out just because you made the team.

But if your man is no longer interested in sex at all, then you should say or do something about it. Maybe he has issues with his body, or is just plain lazy, so that the exertion involved in physical sex seems unappealing or too much effort. Why not suggest some mutual masturbation, or offer him a helping hand, to find out whether sexual contact still appeals?

If he isn’t interested in any form of two-way action, then he may be depressed, feeling lonely and isolated. It’s unlikely that he has simply stopped being attracted to you all of a sudden, and far more likely that some sort of emotional problem is putting up a barrier between the two of you. In either case, the way through it is to talk.

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): First question is: worried about what? Emotional infidelity? Sexual infidelity? That he may be gay? That he’s just lost all sexual interest in you? Be clear and identify what is your concern so you can address it head on without potentially embarrassing roundabout conversation.

If you’re worried that he’s lost sexual interest in you, I can honestly say that it is something you should be able to easily tackle by having an open and honest conversation with him about it. Be prepared. Try not to get too sensitive and instead be focused on taking steps to re-ignite the fire. Seriously, just ask, “Honey, is our sex life getting dull? And if you honestly think so, I want you to tell me, but I want us to try to work on this together.” And then surprise him with a “Show me what turns you on.” HOT!!!

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook of Most Likely To; our Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. I’m fairly certain that my man masturbates more than we have sex. The sex we do have (when it happens) is both fulfilling and hot. The part I have an issue with is that HE TELLS ME about it. Like “I had to take care of business because I got horny thinking of you!” WTF?! Cant you wait until we’re together and allow me to take care of business with you? Why do I need to know this? I already assume this is what he does…but truly don’t NEED to know all. I guess I should be turned on myself that he thinks of me or so he says…he tells me of his “activities” totally unprovoked. I don’t badger him on it…I will tease him over it from time to time when it’s plainly obvious that is what he’s done. I know he looks at porn and that bothers me a bit too but I know he can’t touch them, taste them, feel them and smell them….that’s reserved for ME! 🙂

  2. The fact is a guy can get just simply more lazy as after a longer time the familiarity of the same woman, no matter how lively she can be sexualy with him, doesn’t seem worth the effort. So do develop your own sideline masturbatory life with some good toys. If the chap is genuinly caring but hasn’t much more natural drive for sex with the partner he will be positive about this development and put more efffort into the sex shared in appreciation of being released from pressure. If he gets affronted by your new sex toys and acceptance that you can pleasure yourself (if not preferably, but satisfactorily) you know he is a selfish problem and up to something negative relationship wise. Wether it’s power trips by holding out or fantasing about alternatives he’d gladly dump you for if he could get whatever his thing is. That guy is affronted by your filling in because he could easily do the job – if he wanted to. So he is annoyed it looks like he can’t keep up with your needs. Wheras in actual fact while not doing you he must wank to get release as relief while playing at power of doling it out or the fantasy of a new penchants are so much hotter most of the time.. Because he still has the energy major, though not for you.

    Talking doesn’t work if earlier sex was great, as he does know what to do with you and what you want. No point in embaresing Mr Well Meaning, but hasn’t the fire for you or energy though cares about you or the chap who has new penchants that you are just a backfill for or needing the power trip of frustrating you even if he has to wank in between.

  3. I reckon that as well as part of the sexuality pie we share with our partners, we all still have slices that belong to us as an individual. Perhaps if you feel his personal slice is way outweighing the slice you’re sharing as a couple, just have a good old wank yourself!

    Take the opportunity to get back in touch with your own slice of me-sex… And then drop it into conversation, or leave the evidence (dildo) lying around. See what he thinks. If he’s like ‘Haaaaay! Why you no have sexy time with me baybee?’ then it might be an opening for you to talk about what your sex time with or without each other means, hence an opportunity for you to talk about how you feel about his self-lovin’ habits.

    But it could go the other way… You drop a little ‘Honey, I was just massaging my G-spot earlier and I started to wonder whether I’ve been wetter recently than I used to be? What do you reckon?’. Oh boy, that kinda thing is sure to get him all wanting to touch you and eat you up and shit.

    Playing with yourself without your partner can be a lot like foreplay I reckon, as long as you’re both comfortable with it and you at least leave a good slice left for them. It can be fantastic if you masturbate but don’t let yourself come, just keep having little me-times but wait for the together time for the Big Bang.

    I’m happy at the moment because my BF has realised he can’t come quite often coz he rinses all his white stuff on his own watching porn. So recently he’s been taking care to sometimes not splurt it out and save it up for his missus instead… Good times 🙂

  4. By the way: very nice picture with the Leaning Tower of Pisa… Em & Lo really care about the illustration! It’s quite explicit but at the same time subtle and never tasteless!

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