Wise Guys: What Do Men Think About When They Fantasize?

Advice from three of our guy friends. A few weeks ago, one woman wanted to know “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?” In his response, Max (one of our Single Straight Guys) said, “Trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.” So we wanted to know “What DO guys think about when they masturbate?” Ironically, of all three guys’ answers to this follow-up question, it’s Max’s that we thought was the most tame:

Straight Single Guy (Max): In order to masturbate, I have to have some kind of scenario in my head. It can be past experiences, girls that I’ve been with and (perhaps most often) girls that I want to be with. It might be the girl that was making eyes at me earlier in the day (though the likelihood is that I was making eyes at her and just misinterpreting her look of “what are you staring at?”) or perhaps stranger subjects, such as fictional girls from dreams, co-workers, or women that you might consider out of your age range but still attractive (there’s a reason that MILF is a household word). Oftentimes, the male mind is most interested in the forbidden. For instance, the girlfriend that wouldn’t try anal? It’s only going to happen in your head. Already have a girlfriend but have the hots for her friends? Save everyone the heartache. You really want to break into your workplace late at night and pour champagne all over each other and do it on your boss’s desk? You won’t get arrested if it’s just a dream. Bisexual fantasies? Go for it. Essentially, I view masturbation as a time for completely uncensored fantasy. Whatever comes to mind and turns me on, I go with it. And as far as girls’ fantasies go? I’m amazed when I talk to my girl friends and they all say that they don’t think about much of anything… just concentrating. Weird.

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): As a very private person who sticks to a fairly small collection of gay vanilla porn for solo gratification, the specifics of this one are probably out of my league.  Fantasies are boundless and infinitely various — that’s sort of the point, right? — regardless of whether one is a man or a woman.  (Although I’d like to ask Max, a.k.a. “you don’t want to know” what could be so bad.  Violence?  Unsanctioned excrement?  Pets?) That said, some educated guesses as to what some straight guys might be thinking of while wanking:
1) Women who are not their wives/girlfriends.
2) Their wives/girlfriends doing really degrading stuff (see above).
3) Men.

Straight Married Guy (Ben): Guys’ fantasies fall into three distinct categories: The Unique, The Unfulfilled and The Unmentionable. The Unique are what women want us to fantasize about — previous sexual encounters, preferably with your current partner, that we’re reliving in our heads. Or, about one percent of our fantasies. The Unfulfilled are the things we really, really want but are mostly too chicken to ask for — the threesome with that hot couple at the bar last night, the cute intern, you and your sister, with or without us. This is about 60 percent. But then there’s that last 39 percent — The Unmentionables. These are the things that make us hot — we don’t know why — and are actually too out there even for us. This is the macho degradation porn. Or the animals. Or the three gigs of dwarves on the hard drive. It doesn’t make sense, especially to us. But you know what? Sometimes, it’s exactly what’s needed to get the job done.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. My boyfriend and I recently moved in together and I have been finding crunchy wads of paper towels and noticed that the amount of sex we were having was down to once, maybe twice a week. I was concerned and brought it up to him. He assured me everything was fine. The following day I felt playful and decided to send some pics and videos of what I was doing at home. This was outside of my comfort zone, but it was fun and thought I’d try something different. It made me feel sexy and confident. Our sex life seemed to be back to our usual (sex or some version of sex daily). A coupleasure of days later I came home and walked into him masturbating in front of his computer. It made me feel deflated and confused. I thought that since we were back to our usual routine the need to masturbating wouldn’the be as much. Am I wrong in assuming that masturbating is a reflection of something I’m doing wrong, that our sex leaves him unsatisfied, or is a lack of attraction to me?

  2. First, “I’m so disgusted because I feel like if it’s real he wouldn’t have eyes on another woman so if I can’t fulfill his every need then we can’t be together…”

    And then, “…I don’t fantisize about men unless I’m masterbating…”

    Love it.

    1. When i watch porn and masterbate i want to only see the dick and pussy nothing else. Then i fantasize of my wife fucking another man i never think about me fucking another woman.. my ex and i had a few threesomes with other women and it was great. My present wife and i had threesomes with other mem and was freaking awesome..

    2. Maybe hes fantasizing about you and another man having sex.. many men have this fantasy and its normal… i used to watch porn and think of another man fucking my wife then i made it a reality. Once we were both totally comfortable with it our trust become invincible. Never worry about her running off cheating on me when all she has to do is say “hey baby, a threesome would be awesome” and then it happens.. two men on one chick is freaking awesome.. you can fick and watch live porn and feel it too..

  3. My ex boyfriend is in florida I’m in virginia and he’s away on work. I’m not happy with him being so far away and going out almost everyday, he told me he fantasizes about girls he sees in the bar I’m so disgusted because I feel like if it’s real he wouldn’t have eyes on another woman so if I can’t fulfill his every need then we can’t be together I need him to worship the ground I walk on as do I for him. Love stinks and I’m waiting until that ONE comes around cause I can’t do it so I broke it off with him. I don’t fantisize about men unless I’m masterbating I don’t go out and think about any man the bar and club is nowhere to find a man. Im more turned on by emotions u can look good but I never been boy crazy anyway my opinion is u can’t stop it, jus avoid it. Maybe find a real man who isn’t a pig and I’m on my journey.

  4. Randy, please look into the book “Surfing for God”. It is an excellent new book out to help Christians through their porn addictions. If ths is something you don’t think you need, then please think twice before calling yourself a true, Born Again, Christian. A real follower of Jesus, while definitely human, with absolute human failings, would not be proud of looking at porn. They would be asking the Holy Spirit to fill their souls and help them through this addiction. They also would be praying and reading the Bible regularly, in order to follow God’s will. It’s not that Christian’s don’t have these feelings or fail… but they do not consider it okay and the norm. They repent and continue to strive to do better to allow the Lord to live through them. And in the meantime, if we have a true heart about it, the Lord knows and forgives us fully with His incredible grace. This is Christian. Either get onboard or please stop making a mockery of it. Once you commit to Christ, you become an example and teacher, of sorts. More is expected of you. You will fail every day, no doubt; just don’t make it something you become comfortable with. To say you are Christian and continue to speak the way you do about porn and fantasies, is to lead people away from Jesus, not to Him. While it is through grace and not good works we are saved, we are to do our best for Him in this life to thank Him for all He has given us. That is how you can distinguish a true Christian from the poser next door. I truly wish you well and hope you seriously consider what I have said. God bless.

  5. As a single bloke the internet has enabled a whole new variety of fantasy.

    Back in the day I’d be lucky to find a copy of Penthouse under my dad’s bed, what a result!

    Now of course with the internet releasing any variety of random sexual imagery at will, I am free to have a different random fantasy every time, without the restraints of societal norms (I must not look at penises etc.) – maybe even introduce some illicit substances to my mind as well, to truly EXPLORE the realms of fantasy and sexual ecstacy.

    Don’t be shy now, it is just imaginary – just like the virtual reality xbox games etc.

    When finished, clear up and empty the cache & history (properly!) – within 3 minutes it is gone from your mind.

    So much more convenient than a needy girlfriend requiring attention, gifts & PDA – been there done that. After a few years it gets a bit much looking into the same face trying to imagine her younger face in the days. And it always progresses into the guy introducing the hardcore demeaning stuff from her, altho’ it seems they actually enjoy this (secretly as fantasy).

    Bloke, 40s & christian

  6. My boyfriend had a thing for me when we were very young but I never knew who he was back them. He tells me he fantasized about me since then throughout his whole life, even through his other girlfriends (who i believe he loved a lot when he was with them). I like him for a lot of reasons of course but knowing that I was the object of his fantasy for so long definitely drew me to him in a way I can’t explain and it kind of reassures that he is not looking for anything too much outside of our sexual relationship. It’s nice being the fantasy and the reality I guess.

  7. I could deal with the high-horse tone and the demonization, Judy, except that a lot of the time the person claiming moral superiority totally would do, or has done, x y or z themselves.

  8. Johnny some great points on this subject. I would also like to add that I’m getting very tired of so many women demonizing male sexuality-there is a tone of moral superiority to it all-we are better than you because we would never do x y or z. Men and women are different-I think we can all agree on that.

  9. I was talking to a woman who worried her boyfriend thought of other women and wasn’t convinced that “men are wired that way”. This is what I told her:

    Your boyfriend has no control over who he’s attracted to. He can only control his response to that attraction, so if you trust him, that’s really the most you can ask for. There is no way for you to change his wiring. It’s mean to try, and you’ll drive yourself nuts. Plus, there’s really nothing wrong with him. He’s not cheating on you – that’s your emotional knee-jerk feeling, but that’s not what he’s doing. Don’t let your feelings make a villain out of him. You either need to find a man who isn’t wired that way, or come to terms with masculine sexuality.

    Personally I’d recommend coming to terms with it, because finding a man who is never attracted to other women will be difficult, and because seeking out such a man leaves you vulnerable to that pesky Group 3 – the liar who will tell you whatever you want to hear. They’re the ones who crush you the hardest in the end, ’cause you believed them and never saw it coming.

    If I had to guess I’d say you’re young and early in your sex life. The way you feel is how I felt when I was young and new to my sex life. It turned my stomach to think of my girl with another man. Feeling that way was bad for me mentally and emotionally, and it caused me to act like an asshole. Basically insecurity was at the root of it all. Once I tackled that problem, my revulsion with my partners’ previous and subsequent sex lives vanished.

  10. I agree with the above. My husband has never thought of having sex with others even during masturbation. We met online and because we spent a lot of time apart he always thought of me since we couldn’t have each other as often as we wanted. He says to him even thinking of looking at another girl and thinking “I’d like to … her” feels like cheating. I don’t know why men out there think its normal to think of other women and check them out in that way. Not all men are like that after marriage. Some have morals.

  11. ‘Men are hardwired this way’!!!! Really? Maybe for a single/dating man, all this is acceptable. Once you bring ‘Marriage’ into it, vows and dedication to ONE person are the meaning! At this point, everything should be done to make the sexual experience about each other! Communication about your needs, whether day-to-day or SEXUAL should be understood and embraced! Reading this makes me regret getting married! I feel locked in to a sexual zone that revolves around my husband, but he gets to have his cake and eat it too! THEN DON’T GET MARRIED! Stay single and do whatever you want!
    And yes, masturbation for a lot of women entails a major focus on the feeling. Don’t forget, most women will masturbate slowly and make it count. Most men race to the finish line!

  12. LOL at Britt’s comments! There was this one woman I knew who was just a total beyotch to me so I would fantasize about her boyfriend. I didn’t even like him. I just figured, that’s good revenge, pretend your boyfriend is going down on me and stuff. And then when I’d see her, I’d think, your boyfriend just gave me an orgasm this morning. It was great psychological revenge.

  13. But when i need to fantazise in order to masturbate i make sure i fantasize off as many men and women as i can in the litle time it take me to climax, . . . .I think of obama. My ex when he used to pull my hair and bite me. I think of my coworkers. And girls going down on me.

  14. T i love your comment. Seems like you know how to enjoy your fantasies without having to sacrifice or destroy the closeness and unity of ur sexual intimasy with ur wife or women. I know my ex use to fancy a lot of women through out the day. But when we made love i felt like i was taken to another world where only me and him existed. No one else but just the two of us.

  15. I would say that i can masturbate without having to fantisize when im ovulating. all i do is focus and concentrate on prolonging the sensation. its all starts with me feeling hot and moist down there for no aparent reasons. During the time im not ovulating i have a hard time masturbating and getting aroused so i have to fantisize about whatever turns me on some times i have too watch taboo sex to get arouse.

  16. Never said he was obligated. This is just what he told me he did. Him watching porn interfered with our sex life. He hasn’t watched it in a couple months. He made that decision. He respected me enough and valued our marriage and sex life more than him watching it. He only watched it because he thought he wasn’t satisfying me and in his head he could. As I’ve said, we no longer watch it and our sex life has been better than when we dated and that was GREAT! Now it’s better than ever, even though we have a three month old. As far as the masturbation, that stopped due to medical reasons mainly.

  17. Gee, jacq I’m glad That I’m not married to you. Talk about control freak! Your husband in NOT obligated-repeat-not obligated to think about you ever time he masturbates. Believe it or not, it isn’t even about you when he pleasures himself. 99 percent indeed!

  18. My husband says he thinks of me 99.9% of the time he masturbates. He says he thinks of taboo things or scenarios. As a maid, his boss, sex in his office, etc. he says the other .1% is of other porn stars or someone’s body parts he finds appealing. He says when he is about to come he can’t help but think of me. Even if it starts off as him thinking of someone/something else. The reason I know all this is because we opened up to each other about everything in our relationship. I know he has been 100% honest with me (even though some of it hurt) and I with him. Turns out, him looking at porn and me bringing it into the bedroom Hirt our sex life. Although he always thought of me while having sex. He has never been able to imagine himself with anyone else during sex. While masturbating he thought of others but not full on sex fantasies. That was only with me. I know he’s been honest because I’ve been honest about me thinking of exes or his friends. We used to talk to each other about fantasies (threesomes, me with other men while he watched) all the time. We now only talk about fantasies about each other. I must say, our sex life has never been better than ever and we’ve been together six years and married for four. We have a deeper love for each other and a deeper connection. We have been having sex up to eight times a week and it has all been great! He lasts longer too. He no longer masturbates (due to medical and religious reasons) and he too feels better for not doing it. He has more energy and feels better all around. So to you people out there, fantasizing and looking at pirn although can be great at the time, there is nothing better than to just look into each others eyes, having that connection and not saying a word to each other sometimes during sex. My husband didn’t think of others a lot anyway and neither did I. Now that he doesn’t he feels more love for me and better connected. The bible says that a man who lusts after another woman, has already committed adultery in his heart. To God, thinking of killing a man is just as bad as doing it.

  19. Some of these comments make me laugh. The reason why a lot of guys dont say anything about fantasizing while they masterbate is because of the flack that he gets at home. By that I mean look at some of these comments. “it makes me feel inadequate, or aren’t I enough, or is it too much to ask for him to think of his wife only” The answer to all these questions is yes it is too much to ask…and the reason being is men are hard wired this way, they see something and they get horny. Men are visual creatures. I my self almost alway masterbate to something or someone I have seen. I do however NEVER sleep with my wife and fantisize about anyone else.

  20. I disagree with the female-focus hypothesis up there….. yeah, when I just want an orgasm, and I’ve had a long day, I may get to work with my eyes closed and nothing going on. But the rest of the time I’m sitting on my boyfriend’s face, in public, while his ex watches. Or I’m having creepy anonymous sex with a stranger, or sex in an office….. the list goes on.

    Dude… animals….. that just got a little too bizarre. I don’t think my man would turn me on anymore if I caught him jerkin it to a horse.

  21. I’m a female and I fantasize when I do the deed. Honestly, that is the only way I can get off. just touching doesn’t cut it for me. I think of celebrities, crushes, or hot guy friends. It’s more of a psychological thing though. I need them to have a personality in my fantasies (not necessarily a good one, just a hot one).
    I keep thinking about one of my close guy friends. I think of doing things to him and him doing things to me. Some are pretty kinky. it’s what gets me off. Sometimes I fantasize about him jacking off to me and that gets me going. I’m a hot babe, it’s possible that he does… oops, got to go, something just came up…

  22. Just some words from the wise. I am let’s say 40 something and still pretty hot I must say. I’ve been married for 10 years to a godly man. We have beautiful children, house and good jobs. My husband and I are very open about our thoughts. ALL men struggle with “visual temptation” when it comes to other women. Men loving their wives has nothing to do with them cheating of lusting after other women. As painful as it is, it is how men are wired. Men put in a situation with another woman they are highly or not attracted to in a sexual manner for instance (in a room alone with a naked woman) they will act on it or have to run away. Trust me they want run. So women it comes to a man in my opinion they all cheat at some point in their relationships. Just accept it and keep yourself straight or whatever makes you feel good about yourselve.

  23. My husband has admitted to having fantasies about just about every woman he’s ever crossed paths with, down to the cashiers at the grocery store. All of them are butt ugly. At first he lied and said he only fantasized about me. HA what a load of crap. I only fantasize about one person, and that’s the other guy in my life that I’m on love with (Not my husband).

  24. sandy… i too see it as cheating. but in addition to that… it makes me feel crappy cause obviously what they have in front of them isnt enough for them. but society is a the culprit. i know a girl who took her 13 yr old and his friends to tilt n skilt…. slutier girls than hooters… for his freaking birthday…. SERIOUSLY? wth is wrong with people? same girl bought him the play boy lindsay lohan edition for christmas…. or the women who take their men to strip clubs cause she wants to make him happy? i love my man and i want to do everything to make him happy…. but NOT if it is going to make me feel like shit. i respect him and i want the same. that isnt too much to ask for.

  25. Im a 23yr old sexually active female. ..Interestsingly enough although i like sex i like to masturbate even more…even though Im a straight female i fantasize about sleeping with other women or my boyfriend sleeping with another woman. I know what ur thinking this girl is not straight…trust me i tried the whole bi thing not exactly my thing…what turns me on is the enjoyment my boyfriend would get out of it. Sometimes I’ll try to pick out a girl for us and he always avoids the topic…do men that love their girlfriends not want a threesom…he’s had a threesom before and said he liked it but when it come to me he doesn’t even want to discuss it.

  26. One of the fantasies that I share often with my wife is the body of her ex boyfriend, I continually find myself mentioning him and his body to my wife during sex and it is so amazing what it does for her (and me), she has cum over 20 times in about 30 minutes while i do this. It creates the greatest sexual expereience every time. Not to mention he is a really hot guy and could probably give anyone an orgasm just by looking at him.

  27. Here is my thought…your (I hope!) ex was looking for pointers on how to covertly act out with your daughters in the future.

    I hope you left in time!

  28. I have recently discovered that my boyfriend of 2 years searched out step-dad/step-daughter porn on the internet. I have two beautiful daughters, one is nine and the other is 13. I have since moved out and I am completely crushed. Any thoughts?

  29. I agree with Christal. I think that there are men out there who are completely fulfilled by their partners to the point where they don’t need to fantasize with anyone other than their partner.

  30. I’v spent the past two hours reading articles about things like this and I find it rather sad but for the most part these guys aren’t lying. Most men do fantasize about other women. Why is it you think 95% of relationships don’t last longer then a year nevermind make it to marriage? I have dated several men that were all quite open about their fantasies. I don’t care who you are, how old you are, or whatever unless you yourself do the same thing of course it would be disgusting to find out your partner is thinking about someone else. I myself am a 22 year old female and been with a guy now for quite a while. He’s the first guy I’v completely trusted with everything and there’s a reason for it. I remember one night when we were living at his parents house in separate rooms he came in my room and looked like he was going to cry. He admitted to me he dreamed he was cheating on me. He felt like total crap about it. If it was to happen again I’m sure I’d be the first to know. He just held me after telling me I’m sure wondering what I was going to say. I had a mix of emotions run through me. First was being disgusted. Then offended. I wanted to pull back but the more I thought about it the more I loved him for it. He loves me and only me. He doesn’t want or need to think about anyone else. That is the ultimate satisfaction. To know you are so connected with your partner that they feel this way. I myself have never dreamed or fantasized about anyone or anything but him. Even now that I’m home alone I myself from time to time masterbate. But it’s always about past experiences or things I wish he would have done a little bit differently. Not other people. This is what creates perfect bliss. I’v come home from work to him telling me he masterbated and as soon as I’m there he’s looking me up and down. I know what he was thinking and I love it. There is nothing wrong with loving someone so completely and although most guys would say thats “weird”. I would call it rare. In a society where women walk around half naked 24-7 and it’s pretty much considered ok to cheat or to think about it these sort of men are just rare. Morals are hard to find. It’s a fact. I’m in love and forever will be. No one can take that from me. Do you know how good it feels to go places with him and not see him check out the obviously gorgeous woman that just walked by? That makes me feel like a queen. So just a tip for those of you out there that completely disagree. It’s the little things that make a huge difference in the over all emotional connection you and your lover have.

  31. I stumbled upon this and had to respond. Speaking for men. We all fantasize about other women irregardless to the attractiveness of our partner and our commitment. Remember it is fantasy and not reality. We don’t act on it for many different fears. Some fantasies are with our partners doing taboo things whether anal, threesome with another woman, etc. Some are watching her with another woman or masterbating. As far as with other women it is usually something slutty and some scenario we dreamed up whether office sex, with the massage therapist, an attractive hotel maid, the hot milf that wants to use us for her pleasure, the two female roommates who live nearby, or something that almost happened in the past but never did. Such as my bestfriends mother made a pass at me once, a female married acquaintance one time answered her door in a short t-shirt and nothing else. She still invited me in and her nipples were visible. She also tried to pick up things off the floor while at the same time trying to hold her t-shirt from sliding up too far. it wasn’t working. Not long after that when talking to me she would invade proximity, make compliments and touch me alot. It is scenarios like this that happen that we often wonder about if we had acted on it but didn’t due to certain codes of conduct. And then one time my partners former best friend who faded away was very drunk one night. She kept joking around about a threesome and pinching my butt in front of my partner. I was very embarrassed at the time and the two kept laughing seeing me sweat. I asked my partner later if she would ever do a threesome and she said absolutely not we were just having fun with you. Yet I still wonder.

  32. Ladies, it isn’t a big deal. It has no impact on the relationship, (well, unless that’s a good one) I can attest to that, as my Man and I have been together longer than a good number of you have been alive.

    We both, as normal people, sometimes fantasize about other people, when you have sex with the same person, day in and day out, it is normal to fantasize. Also, some people can’t reach climax without a little fantasy.

    ALL men do this, and I would be nearly all sexually mature women do it. It’s just part of life. I often DO think about my Man while we are making love, but often I think of other people (often it isn’t even a real person, just an idea) and he also does. Sometimes we will share what we are thinking about and sometimes we won’t. It has NO bad effects on the relationship, as we have withstood decades together.

    In fact, I would like to say that trying to CONTROL what your partner thinks about during sex is very dangerous to the relationship. What goes on in HIS mind is HIS business and same for you.

    It is NOT “cheating.” It’s just play. Don’t you every Play during sex? You don’t pretend to be other people, or engage in scenes? You never fantasize about more than one guy at a time? Or even the occasion girl? That’s just normal. I can’t imagine how boring sex might eventually be (or at least conventional and clinical) if it were the same every time. Maybe this idea (not being “allowed” to fantasize) it the reason so many of the other women my age (over 35) have virtually STOPPED having sex with their partners. It just got stale and old and predictable and BORING.

    I also think that either of you trying to control your thoughts during sex is damaging not only to the sex, but to the entire relationship. YOU don’t get to have that kind of power over your man. He doesn’t have it over you, either. It is a good way to destroy a relationship. Get a good decade in with your man and get back to me. When a relationships lasts NOBODY has “control” over an other in such a manipulative way. (At least not if both of you are emotionally healthy.) Good relationships have a lot of play and a LOT of tolerance in them.

    If it bothers you that much, DON’T ask him. Because he IS fantasizing, so you can either have him lie, or have him tell the truth and then feel bad for a perfectly normal activity.

    It doesn’t have to do with “how good” or how “good looking” you are, all people crave variety and fantasy can fill that need WITHOUT cheating.

    After you have been having sex for more than just a couple of years, you’ll know what I mean.

  33. well said Kirsten.. Whatever goes in in a guys head should be no threat to a relationship unless he either a)acts on it or b) you make such a fuss over what ultimately are thoughts he has no control over that you drive him away anyway. If a guy is comfortable enough with you to reveal his innermost thoughts then a) is very unlikely unless you go all b) on him.. ;0)

  34. To ‘Katie’ and ‘Sassy Sarah,’ I’m the same in terms of body type and just a tad younger than you both, but I just wanted to throw in my two cents that there are guys in our age bracket that are looking for commitment. You’re just probably not gonna find them in the usual places that girls our age seem to like picking up guys– bars, gyms, the mall. But they’re out there, it just takes time and the willingness to build a friendship, first and foremost 🙂

    Anyway, any decent, well-grounded guy will understand that his fantasies are just that. If a man/woman splits up a perfectly good relationship to hook up with another person, fantasizing is probably the last thing to blame. More likely it’s immaturity or callousness or any myriad other things.

    And don’t focus on why someone should be with you because you’re a ‘dream girl’ with a perfect body. If that’s why you think he should be with you… he probably shouldn’t! Physical attraction has its place in any relationship, even one night stands. So look further and focus on your honesty, your openness, your trust. Is it your humor, your supporting nature, your unselfishness, your intelligence that makes you unique? Cultivate those gems of your personality instead of falling prey to self-doubt or insecurity. If you simply talk openly to each other– including about your fantasies– you’ll be doing way more for your relationship than your 34D’s ever could 😉

    And back to fantasies… I would presume that men with no intentions of settling down fantasize just as much as men who are happily married. It’s not the defining benchmark of one’s personality, and if it makes one less fit for marriage– well, I’ve definitely broken that rule!

    To the ladies who are worried about their partner’s mental escapades, try not to make your boyfriend’s fantasizing about you– because it’s not. Men and women, we all like variety to some degree. Fantasizing is the healthy way to achieve that balance. Just like no one person can be *everything* for another, it’s silly and unfair to expect that your partner should be able to fulfill your every sexual desire and whim. Would *you* really want that responsibility? Brad Pitt is with a woman who many would consider the most beautiful in the world– but you can bet your ass he has fantasies, just like the rest of us.

    Think about it. Some women can’t orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone, and there are plenty who can’t climax without the stimulation that only a vibrator can provide. Should this then make their lovers feel inferior? Of course not! It’s no fault of their partner. Similarly, many men and women probably have difficulty getting aroused or even can’t orgasm without that added mental stimulation of a fantasy. Why should that be a punishable offense?

    I say all this because I’ve been with my husband for two and a half years, and we have been pretty open about our fantasies with one another; sometimes it’s lead to us acting them out, sometimes just to discussion, but it’s a very valuable experience and it also builds a lot of trust in a relationship. I’m sure he has some fantasies he won’t ever tell me, and I know I have a few I won’t be sharing with him, but it’s perfectly all right to keep some things personal as long as that trust is there. Fantasies ought to be viewed as something valuable, not harmful.

    I would never, ever consider it cheating, regardless of who the fantasy is about. I think it’s paramount to feel comfortable and free inside your own mind. If anything, making someone feel that they can’t even have *mental* freedom when they’re with you will kill a relationship faster than any fantasy ever could.

    Fantasies are an important part of our sexuality and I think it’s a shame that many people feel ashamed to have them. They’re a wonderful part of being human and having desires, so enjoy it. Love is far too important a thing to be taken so seriously.

  35. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand the thought of my husband fantasizing about someone else. To me, that’s the same as cheating–which is why I don’t do it. I don’t feel like it’s wrong for me to ask that of him. I mean, is it really that difficult to think about your wife? If it is, then you should have never gotten married, as the lifestyle apparently doesn’t suit you.

  36. well me and my boyfriend have been together for going on 2 years now and i sometimes fantasies about things, but i mean just because i do it dose it mean he dose too?? i mean i never really think about anyone in general just what i would like done to me while im in the act, i have never fantised about a man or any one in general but it kinda worrys me if he is doing the same thing but placeing the face with the name if ya know what i mean, i dont really feel bad for what i do cause it dosnt mean anything but ive always been self consiouse on if i can please a man or not. any advise?

  37. “Sassy Sarah” I’m in the same boat as you, 23, with “just the right amount of muscle and curves” (34D, flat/toned stomach, and an ass to boot) and I see no man in sight that is ready to settle down. I’m betting it’s 6-7 more years before guys our age are ready for anything. If your guy is around our age I’m guessing he’s still a little too young for serious commitment.
    Sadly, I’ve found a body type like ours suggests more a a great one-night stand for guys than a serious relationship. Physical appearance is DEFINITELY not what makes a guy fully commit to a relationship. But fantasizing is not cheating in my book–he at least told you, which is more than I’d say most guys would do. I’d prefer the guy to be open with me like that–unless he is comparing you (then throw him to the curb!)
    You can find multiple people objectively attractive but that’s different than emotional attachment.

  38. Im a 23 year old hot woman who has been in a relationship with my partner for over a year and a half. The sex is good, but I recently found out my partner fantasizes about other women he has seen whilst he has been out with me, or out on his own. How long is it until a guy takes it that step further? How long is it before the fantasy becomes a reality and they are in bed with the fantasy? I have a sexy figure, curves in all the right places so I have been told by many men… big boobs and a nice bum… so why does my boyfriend choose to fantasize over other women? What do they have that I don’t and why can’t men understand that by doing this and telling your girlfriend, makes your girlfriend feel inadequate or that she is missing something? After all I am the stereotypical male fantasy, big tits a nice face and great arse! Should I be marrying this guy?! Is this normal? I’d love to hear back from both guys and girls!

  39. So i was just browsing thru the archives when i saw this one, and have to disagree with the idea that women don’t fantasize when they masterbate – i find it really difficult to come at all if i don’t, and my fantasies are really varied.

    Sex with boyfriends – past and current, strangers, other women… including lots of stuff that i wouldn’t necessarily ever act out but still gets me hot. Women really have to be in the right frame of mind, so unless you are already hot and bothered its not going to happen by just “concentrating”. (I’m just saying)

  40. Its a fact that fantasies do spice up the sexual life. Me and my husband are openly share our fantasies while making sex . He fantasies i being pounded by my ex boy friend or by his friend who has always eyes on me.it makes me havin orgasms many times

  41. I think for women fantasy is something she thinks about with her eyes closed. For most men it’s just what he’s looking at. So, what do men choose to look at? I’m gonna say 95% of straight men look at slim, 18-28 year old women that don’t look like their wives or girlfriends. For most men it’s women they probably could never get into bed. It’s also women who clearly like sex and aren’t shy about being sexy. It’s the 10% of all women that 95% of all men want. Men’s “fantasy” about them helps keep 95% of relationships intact.

  42. Well me and my boyfriend are veryopen in bed communication is key hopefully you are comfortable with them to tell you want you want. There are surten things my boyfriend likes done but I nessasarly don’t like doing them but I do bc it makes him feel good and I can see how turned on he is so it excites me all I would say is try things out side the box and don’t be a selfish lover some of the best times u have Harbin bed was seeing my partner getting off so hard.

  43. C’mon, I am a woman and I fantasize about different men, other than my fiance. It’s a ‘fantasy’ not reality. When max says that his girl friends ‘concentrate’ more than fantasizing, they must mean concentrating on the satisfaction of getting pleasured in itself. I get lots of pleasure sexually from my fiance, and its great. But everyone has their deep dark pleasure fantasies they only share with themselves 🙂

  44. I was just reading your column about what guys fantasize about? and most of yall said three somes in the list well coming from a Single bi sexual girl who doesnt look to shabby if i may say so myself how come soome guys are ok with my sexuality and some aren’t i am always willing to bring along a friend if that is what they want but some times they snarl their noses in disgust.

  45. I am female and still fly solo when I feel like it even though I’m in a good relationship (with good sex). It’s a completely different experience. Sex is better but masturbation isn’t “worse”.. it’s just different. Besides, any type of orgasm is great, whether it happens by yourself or with someone and they’re different.

  46. my ex-boyfriend and i had very open sexual fantasies. we told them to each other while we were doing it, putting different spins on them each time, going as far into the Unmentionable area as we could – swapping, rape, anonymous sex, bi, you name it. it was very freeing for us both, and i have to thank him for that. i can honestly say that they were the best sexual experiences i have ever had.

  47. Epiphany….whoops…you are right. It was about masturbation. Teach me to not be so quick to reply. Thanks for the heads up!!!

  48. Will – I think that may just mean that you have a different definition of *wrong* – some people put things into that category that the rest of us consider unique, but not wrong

    Texas – I was about to tell Max that all of his girl friends were lying to him, and then I read your comment. But I think he was asking about fantasy while masturbating, not fantasy while engaged with a partner.

  49. Well, as a female…I have to agree with Max’s girlfriends. I have never felt the need to fantasize when I have the real deal right in bed with me. If I care enough to have him in my bed, then he is what I want and thinking of something or someone else is not necessary. It is much more rewarding to just enjoy the intensity of the pleasure and not be distracted by other thoughts.

  50. I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree with Ben’s 39%. I think I’m a pretty sexual/horny/dirty (married) guy, and I’ve never fantasized about anything that doesn’t fall into one of the first two categories. Ever. It’s not that things don’t get dirty, it’s just that they don’t get… *wrong*. For me, anyway.

    That said, there are fantasies that I think guys wouldn’t necessarily share with their partners, but mostly because of who it is you’re fantasizing about, maybe occasionally what you’re fantasizing about… but not because it’s something that Ben drops into the Unmentionables category.

    I’m trying not to judge here, but that just sounds off-base to me.

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