Wise Guys: What If Her Libido Is Higher Than His?

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What would most guys think about dating a woman whose sex drive was higher than his? Would it be awesome? Annoying? Lead to insecurities? Make you think less (or more) of her? All of the above?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

mark_luczak_100Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): Not possible, right? (What sex drive is higher than wanting it all the time?) Actually, as awesome as this sounds at first glance for the stereotypical hornball guy, in reality any dissonance in sex drive can be challenging on many levels (I’ve been on both sides of it to at least some degree). Feeling attractive and desired is unquestionably wonderful, but if someone simply happens to be in the mood less frequently, it can be uncomfortable for all involved. In the gender roles here, the guy might feel that he’s perpetually disappointing, while the girl might easily start to feel insecure emotionally and physically over why every opportunity isn’t taken.

With a strong enough couple and commitment, though, a variance in sex drive is hardly insurmountable. Communication and genuine willing flexibility can certainly overcome the challenges and leave everyone more than fulfilled.

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Most guys would probably love it if the woman they were dating had a high sex drive. I mean, isn’t that part of the fantasy of women in porn? A hyper-sexualized woman? I think it would only lead to insecurity if the man himself were insecure.

Straight Married Guy (David Felsen): A) First of all, that’s just impossible. No. Wait. There was this South African woman who nearly broke me. Serves me right for dating a rolfer. I still get panic attacks whenever I hear a voo voo zela.

B) Trust me, there’s nothing “awesome” about a dislocated sacrum, a desiccated scrotum, and a deviated vas deferens. If you see a guy hunched sideways at a urinal or a tree holding a right angle and two golden raisins, it’s me. And yes, it’s “annoying.” I can’t say her libido “lead to insecurities,” as that started when my sister told me I was adopted.

C) “Think less of her?” I wouldn’t dare. I hope she’s found another guy to love…to death.

D) “All of the above.”

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is NY writer-comedian David Felsen; our Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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40 Comments on "Wise Guys: What If Her Libido Is Higher Than His?"

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1 year 25 days ago

I am 44 years old,I Have been with my girlfriend 5 years, her sex drive is much higher than mine, we split up like every six months,She thinks I am cheating on her if we don’t have sex daily, she makes stories up, I have tried to communicate, it’s not working, DO we just keep breaking up, and getting back together, I am tired, sometimes, she doesn’t understand, maybe she is nuts? $!#

1 year 2 months ago

Was very interested to find this conversation. I’m relieved to read so many comments from people with similar situations.

I’m 43 going through a separation/divorce. The marriage fell apart for many reasons but one contributing factor was mismatched sex drives. After a rollicking good start, his tapered off and, not being a particularly gifted communicator left me often feeling rejected, unattractive and frustrated, Not at all understanding what was going on and often assuming he wasn’t attracted to me and it was all my fault. Over the last 12 yrs we found ways to sort of address it and made some progress in finding a middle ground….sex toys did help.

But At some point the problems became too much and I really asked myself if I was never going to feel that fun, hot, intense desire again….ever!?

I left and fairly soon after I met a man who I thought could be the answer to every wish-list I’d ever made. We both fell hard for each other, and much hot sex resulted. Bliss!

Now, 8 months into our relationship and a gap has started to form between our sex drives. I could still gladly spend most of the day in bed with him, while he’s thinking maybe 1-2 a week or less. The urgency has left and I’m starting to panic a little.

Granted there are some other issues ….emotional, health, job and otherwise so I’m trying to be understanding and not put pressure on him. And daily sex is probably too much to expect in real life 😉 Time will tell…

I did however just read an excellent book which addresses and debunks many myths about female sexuality. Can only recommend it “What Do Women Want? Adventures in The science of Female Desire” Daniel Bergner. At the very least it will ease any worries you might have about being a cock breaking nympho!

2 years 2 months ago

I have a very high sex drive i want it every night and morning im in my early 40s and my man likes it once a month masturbation seriously frustrates me as i like the personal contact am i alone in this!?

2 years 5 months ago

This article has both wonderful and not-so-wonderful opinions, but at least I know I am not alone.

My situation is that my partner and I are just in our twenties; we have been dating for four years and both of us are very committed to each other. My partner works 6 days a week and I work too, but still I have a much higher sex drive than him- And I end up practically begging him for some sort of relief a few times a week. I, unintentionally, have made it feel like a chore for him, in which I feel horrible about. We now make love once a month or so, and when sexual contact is initiated it just ends up being sex, never foreplay or anything else involved anymore, and is always initiated by me. I know deep down he is tired from working, and won’t admit it. I have asked him, is it me? Am i doing something wrong, am I not good enough? And he reassures me I’m beautiful and am certainly good enough for him, and that he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want sex, he just doesn’t.

Even though I’ve had reassurance, I still end up feeling rejected, and even guilty for wanting sex even though I shouldn’t, and it is leading into depression. I’ve tried spicing things up in various ways and being sexy, but I usually get brushed off and given some excuse or another.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

What’s worse is I was just diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, a condition in which an effect from it is a low libido. The medication for it increases libido naturally, and I am scared about how much worse it will make my situation if I am thinking about sex nearly all the time.

I don’t think it’s normal for him just to go from wanting sex just as often as I did to suddenly never wanting it nor making sexual contact. And before anyone says hes cheating on me, the only time he isn’t around me is when he’s working (which could be some of the issue I don’t know, though he’s told me he’s sick of me or anything) and we live together, so there is virtually no way nor time for him to cheat on me.

Other than our sex life we have a wonderful relationship full of communication, understanding laughing and cuddling, but when it comes to sex I now feel frustration and desperation and I don’t even know what he feels because he won’t talk about it.

Mis-matched libidos just suck when you’re left alone every night to relieve yourself of desire that only your partner can satisfy.

2 years 6 months ago

@Haydos, your comment above is totally ridiculous! Not all women want the candles and cuddling ‘making love’- some of us want the fast and furious fucking. Another point I’d like to make is that it doesn’t have to be sex or nothing. There are many other ways women can feel sexually satisfied that require less input from their partner. What I would like from my partner is just to feel that we are participating in a sexual act together. If it’s just an orgasm I want well I can get that myself, so obviously if I’m asking for sex it means I want him… not just his penis.