Wise Guys: What If I'm Not Up for Going Down?

no_gelatophoto by Jon & Alison

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: I really hate going down on guys. I’ve tried it, I don’t like it. In fact, I loathe it. I feel bad about it, but if I don’t expect oral in return (I don’t), then why should I feel compelled to do something I don’t enjoy?”

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Really there is no guy that should expect oral. It’s totally up to you what you feel comfortable with sexually and we’ll enjoy what you want to do. If you see it as a tit-for-tat deal and you’re not asking for anything, then you’re right, you shouldn’t feel compelled to return a favor you’re not receiving. As long as you’re upfront with your feelings on oral, then everything is okay. My only thought is that for the people we really care about, sometimes we do things we don’t necessarily enjoy just to make them feel good, to make them feel sexy, to make them feel special — and sometimes just to get them off. I don’t think you should feel obligated to be going downtown all the time like you’re Petula Clark or something, but don’t hurry to rule it out for good. It can be something special you pull out of your sexual toolkit only for true knights in shining armor.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): This is a tough one. I’d say it’s a very rare guy who isn’t going to want at least the occasional blowjob. I’ve actually never met one of these mythical creatures. Even if they do exist, how would you go about finding one? A personal ad title like “Must NOT Want Blowjobs” would probably result in crickets chirping in your empty inbox. So that leaves you with waiting until you’re at the point of discussing sexual details with a prospective partner to bring the topic up. Most guys aren’t going to be thrilled with your take on the matter, but sooner or later, maybe you’ll find a guy who doesn’t think blowjobs are all that great. But wouldn’t giving the occasional (special occasion) blowjob be a little easier than banking on these super longshot odds? I think so, but then I’m a guy. And like pretty much all guys, I’d seriously consider giving up food, water and shelter before blowjobs.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): If you don’t like going down on guys, there’s absolutely no reason you should feel compelled to do so.  However, there’s also absolutely no reason a guy should feel compelled to keep dating you if you won’t go down on him.  You just have to find somebody who gets his kicks in other ways. The pool will be much smaller, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t, um, fish to be had.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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26 Comments on "Wise Guys: What If I'm Not Up for Going Down?"

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6 years 4 months ago

My husband loves head…even to the point where he’d rather just have that than sex. i don’t mind giving him any even if it means no satisfaction for me. i don’t really like giving them, and i don’t know why. but because i want my husband to be satisfied, i’m willing to put my issues aside and give him one. and yes, i do love seeing and hearing his reaction. i guess my thinking on this whole thing would be, i’d rather him be getting pleasure from me then from someone else. i’m not saying that will work for everyone or that all guys will cheat if not getting what they want.

6 years 4 months ago

I am uncomfortable giving blow jobs for serveral reasons. I was molested as a child at age 8 and it involved the man sticking his tongue in my mouth and force french kissing me. His saliva and tongue made me gag and I was trying to get away from him> he would sneak around the house and grab me and fondle me… ii was awful and went on for years.
The other reason is I had a bad car accident that gives me a lot of pain in my neck and jaw. My STBX husband wanted constant porno style drop to your knees and gimme a blow style oral sex. He refused to understand my issues and found ever more ways to demand his BJ’s like if you give me a BJ I’ll let you keep the baby…. really. He has left me after cheating on me a fourth time that I know of. I am well rid of him I know. I hope there are good men out there who don’t base love on one degrading act… a gentle heart and a gentle heart would work miracles.

6 years 8 months ago

I don’t know what to say, I unfortunately am not crazy about going downtown. My hubby loves to go down on me, I do feel bad. I have a complex about being overweight and let that get in my way. I feel like I am under a microscope when I am doing it. I am not as attractive as I could be. He says I am beautiful, just overweight. Now it has been so long for him it is starting to get to him. We have been through a lot over the past 13 years and I know I am letting it get in the way. I feel resentful, because I feel like he thinks I owe him this. I supported him in prison for 10 years and I don’t think anyone should feel they owe anyone anything if that is not there thing. It just makes the pressure worse. I DO want help and to get over this distraction. I want to want to do it and I do not want to feel resentful if I do, like I have to do it for him to hang around. Will I ever be worthy?

6 years 9 months ago

*** Note to self: Keep baseball bat handy in case Links ever comes around to pick my daughter up for a date.

6 years 9 months ago

Females are born with an oral fixation that never goes away. To prove this, walk through the supermarket chips aisle and I guarantee you that a 20something y/o chick will be their grabbing a bag. Another example, women love to talk and talk and talk. They love oral action, whether it is talking someone’s ear off, eating an entire back of chips, or sucking cock. So I say, if you come across one who has a block toward performing oral sex, just remind her that sucking dick is nature’s adult remedy for her oral fixation. Problem solved.