Wise Guys: What’s the Deal with Fake Boobs?

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “So what’s the deal with fake boobs — are straight guys into them or not? Does it make a difference whether they’re just looking (e.g. porn, strip club, Hollywood star) vs. touching (e.g. a hook-up)? And does it make a difference whether the hook-up is casual or relationship material?”

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Here’s the thing about fake boobs. They work. It’s the same for gay guys. Just substitute silicone for steroids. I know plenty of guys who have gone from Plain Jane to Ripped Rita via syringe, and rollicked in all the dating perks that come with that.  It is lame, they look ridiculous, but it truly, truly works.  To be totally fair, though, the real equivalent would be penile implants, which are currently as effective as supergluing Play-doh around the member so it appears larger.  And let me tell you, if they ever perfect the art of penile enhancement every guy you know will have an eleven-inch penis.  Let me repeat:  Every.  Guy.  You.  Know.  At that point, glance waist level in a locker room and it would look like something Tarzan used to traverse the jungle. Which is why it amazes — and inspires — me that every woman doesn’t have humungous breasts.  You are the stronger sex.  Like I said, if men were in that position, this would be a nation of Pamela Mandersons. (Oh, and indulge a gay guy:  Why are “A-cup” boobs small and “D-cup” boobs big?  Shouldn’t it be the reverse?  As in, “Look at those grade A boobs!  She’s stacked.”  And flat girls are in danger of socially failing with a “D”?  I mean, this is classic grading on a curve, right?)

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): As a 25-year-old, I have basically grown up surrounded by breast implants, so they don’t tend to faze me. I can recall on more than one occasion pointing out a beautiful girl, and hearing an older guy say “But she has fake boobs,” and I’m like, “So what?” To me, fake boobs usually look better than their natural counterpart (which is not to say I haven’t seen horrendous, overdone and very strange looking fake breasts). But admittedly, much like artificially flavored food, no matter how close to the original they get, the real thing always tastes better. Saline boobs tend to feel like water balloons, which can take away from the heat of the moment. I’ve felt silicone ones that were so close to the real thing it didn’t matter, but at the end of the day a soft real breast is as sexy as it gets — and I think most men would agree. Besides, bigger isn’t always better. While I appreciate a large set of melons as much as the next guy, I also think small breasts can be very sexy. Another concern is if my future wife could breastfeed. (Didn’t China just recall baby formula because it contained Melamine? No thank you.) Ultimately, though, men love breasts — big, small, real, fake, we usually are just happy to see them, feel them, sleep on them. The decision to get implants should be the woman’s without any outside influence. Whatever you decide, like the bra you wear, we men will support you.

Straight Married Guy (Jim): There’s definitely a difference between looking and touching. The only time I’ve ever (knowingly) handled fake breasts they felt like the knees of a Shaq-sized newborn: velvety-soft but concealing a hard, round mass.  (That means they were cheap, right?)   I have never heard my straight male friends say anything negative about the sight of fake boobs (or about the individual woman for having a surgically enhanced bust, for that matter), but displeasure has been expressed with the feel of stony fakes.  Most men wouldn’t avoid a hook-up based on bust fakery, unless they’re reading into your personality through your bra.  It’s still a hook-up, right?  But as with anything else in the bedroom that can’t be changed through intimacy and patience alone, if it’s a turnoff for this theoretical guy, it might sink the relationship.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Jim from New York, our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter, and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett, owner of the LA PR firm Barnett Ellman. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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53 Comments on "Wise Guys: What’s the Deal with Fake Boobs?"

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Men like breasts period .But it’s true real ones do feel so much better

anyone on here had a boob job to take them above what seems to be considered average for your overall dress size? if so, what do you wear!?! I’m naturally ‘blessed’ with 34F breasts, which average about 2 dress sizes above the rest of me in most stores.. I either have to wear tops that don;t flatter my shape so my boobs fit in them but my waist gets lost which would defeat the object if i’d paid for them or if i want tops or dresses that fit my waist without busting out (which can lead to unwanted attention)… Read more »
Mr L
Well there you have it, the votes are in and we have this long line of men that say they don’t like fake boobs. BUT YOU and I know that if a group of guys were told to shout and raise hands for the girl they liked most as a group of models crossed the stage… guess what the winner would have ? Nice boobs! Having said that, I would like to know more about what the real numbers are ? how many guys are self proclaimed ass men, and how many like the boobs better ? I have always… Read more »
Madamoiselle L
I agree wholeheartedly with you Mike. Any woman who has actually seen an elderly woman with implants will SERIOUSLY think twice about getting these most intrusive artificial appendages. I have seen older women (a few over the age of 65 or 70, this procedure was in it’s infancy in the 1950s) with breast implants, when I worked the ER. SCARY! EVERYTHING is sagging, and a bit wrinkly (as you would expect for an older woman)…….except for these very weird looking…..rock hard balls…… sticking out of her chest. A woman has every right to do whatever she wants with her body,… Read more »
Madamoiselle L
Sunshine said: “Breastfeeding absolutely causes sagging. I was a 34 B before I had children.” I know EXACTLY what I am talking about. Pregnancy and genetics causes sagging, NOT breastfeeding. If you didn’t nurse your children you would be just as saggy. Also, women with larger breasts to start out with sag more, (A “full” C cup is considered a moderately large breast) it’s simple physics. I have a Master’s in Lactation Science, and I DO KNOW what I am talking about when it comes to all things breast. If you went from a “full” C to an A it… Read more »

I have had both real breasts and fake breasts. The fake ones are better. Trust me. I have worked as a dancer for 12 years and the girls with real large breasts make less money then the girls with large breast implants. I myself have felt hundreds of breast implants and they vary from person to person. Typically, the thinner the girl, the faker they feel. Mine feel great, but I had good skin tone to begin with, as well as a very good surgeon.


Madamoslle, you have no idea what you’re talking about. Breastfeeding absolutely causes sagging. I was a 34 B before I had children. Very firm, no sign of potential sagging. As soon as I got pregnant I went to a very full C. After the baby, I was an E cup. Now after breastfeeding three children, I’m barely an A sagging flat! I’m getting implants to just at least fill the bag!