11/24/09
Wise Guys: What’s the Definition of Bad Sex?

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Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What’s the definition of bad sex?

chris_diclericoStraight Single Guy (Chris): Good sex is a function of the physical and the mental. For women, the mental part may be much more about nurturing and safety, or so I’ve read. For men, I would argue the mental part is much more about stroking the ego as much as the penis. Guys want to finish sex feeling manly, powerful, and in control. Guys almost always get off, so the physical part is fairly easy — though I’ve been with some women who really don’t know what they’re doing and don’t take subtle instruction well. For those women, there may be no hope. For the mental part, every guy is different. Most want to make sure their partner was satisfied, which is a win-win situation. If we feel like our partner is bored, or going through the motions, or worst of all, faking it, I think we come away feeling weak and insecure, even if it isn’t true. For the same reasons, guys don’t always want to have to initiate sex. We want our lives to feel like an Axe Body Spray commercial, with dilated pupils and uncontrollable urges. That’s why Axe is one of the fastest growing brands in history.

balthaserGay Married Guy (Jonathan Balthaser): There’s lots of types of bad sex. There’s the I’m-too-drunk-and-can-barely-keep-conscious kind. Worse is the I-wish-you-had-bathed type. The herky-jerky, we-just-don’t-click type is just plain awkward. But by far the worst kind of sex is dispassionate sex: being with someone who’s bored and would rather be playing Scrabble than with your naughty bits.

james_glazebrook_100Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): Having sex with someone who isn’t as into it as you is THE WORST — or so I’ve heard (meh meh). Images like the drunk husband squirming atop his long-suffering wife, who begs off with a headache but eventually submits, should be consigned to cave paintings — because in this day and age sex should have nothing to do with obligation. You can do all the scheduling and experimenting and dressing up (and getting drunk) you want, but you will ultimately have to deal with the fact that at some time, someone just won’t feel like it. Don’t fret about it, and don’t force it — just go find a place to whack/flick off, and maybe next time you’ll get lucky.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook of Manflet, our Straight Single Guy is Chris DiClerico, and our Gay Married Guy is Jonathan Balthaser of Boerum Hill Blog. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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7 Comments on "Wise Guys: What’s the Definition of Bad Sex?"

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Norman Smith
Norman Smith
6 years 5 months ago

Basically my definition of bad sex is when there’s a values clash, which is usually about feminine arousal. Sure, a lot of women want to get off, but just as many of them focus on the opposite: staying in control. Me, I’ll take the former and leave the latter for men who don’t really care about feminine needs.

Sirenita
Sirenita
6 years 5 months ago

Well, I’m a woman who has a healthy sexual appetite but even I have to admit the makings of bad sex are-no physical, emotional, or even any connection whatsoever on both parts. There has to be at least some kind of chemistry, and consideration for the other person’s pleasure. I’ve had a time or two when the guy I was with did not do anything for me sexually…yet in foreplay it was all good-so anything goes when it comes (pun intended) to having a great experience…or not.

Rei
Rei
6 years 5 months ago

Yes, the drunken kind sucks, lots of guys have a hard time even getting and keeping an erection when they’ve had too much to drink.

Madamoiselle L
Madamoiselle L
6 years 5 months ago
From a woman’s POV, we don’t usually get that “He didn’t really want to.” kind of sex really often. Yeah, if you are in a long term relationship, you do have occasional Obligational Sex. It isn’t a big deal. Sometimes you or your partner just NEED it, so you or he goes with the flow to please the other. That doesn’t bother me. Or him. It works out fairly even, most of the time. SELFISH sex is the worst. The guy who gets off and does NOTHING for the woman. Once knew a guy who would spend about 1 minute… Read more »
figleaf
6 years 6 months ago
First of all let’s get over the notion that a bad day of sex is better than a good day at the office. You might not remember a good day at the office but memories of bad sex can last a lifetime. Really bad sex can ruin good sex for the rest of your life. One form of bad sex? When you’re too young or otherwise not ready for it. This can obviously include being forced into it but can also include forcing yourself because, say, you think you should or you think you won’t get another opportunity. (James mentioned… Read more »
AlanK
AlanK
6 years 6 months ago

As in most things, true wisdom comes from Woody Allen:

“Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.”

Doug
6 years 6 months ago

I agree completely. Sex when one of the parties is not interested makes it bad. Nobody wants to be with someone who makes them feel like they’re not wanted, and that goes double for something so intimate as sex.

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