Why Do Men Masturbate When They’re in a Relationship?

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?”

Straight Married Guy (Ben): Every guy has a regular masturbation frequency (RMF) that is more or less unchangeable (though over the long-term, factors which usually have nothing to do with sex — like age or stress — can influence it). Take however many orgasms a guy’s already having with his partner and multiply it by his RMF — that’s how much a guy will masturbate. For example, a friend tells you his RMF is 1.3, so if he’s had a total of 3 orgasms with his partner in the past week, you multiply that by 1.3 to get the number of times he’ll want to masturbate that week (about 4). Now, some guys are high (RMF=2 or more) and others are low (RMF=1 or less!). But even if he has a really low RMF, like .25, that still means he’ll want to masturbate once after he’s had sex five times with his partner that week. So don’t focus on whether or not he’s masturbating: it’s a given. Instead, engage him on what he’s doing while he’s masturbating — what he’s looking at, or imagining, or fantasizing about. That’s where you’ll learn about your guy.

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Perhaps the most obvious answer would be “Why shouldn’t they?” (As long as it’s not interfering with the sex — “Sorry, honey, I’ve already come three times today.”)  No, wait, the most obvious answer is, “Because they’re men.”  I’m sure, when it’s all over with, that people don’t look back on their lives, regardless of gender, and wish they’d had fewer orgasms.  Also, if it’s meant to be a monogamous relationship, better he should have the extra fun with himself than with some third (or fourth, etc.) party(-ies).

Straight Single Guy (Max): While it’s hard to believe, I think that most men view masturbation (which we’re addicted to, by the way) as completely separate from our sex lives. When you’re living the solo sex life, you’ve got your fantasies as well as hormones to answer to. The only solution is masturbation. Many turn to pornography. It’s sad. I understand then, that it must be confusing to women when we continue to masturbate, even while having great and consistent sex, after you’ve saved us from our lonely and always wanting existence.

Unfortunately, no matter how much we may love our lady friend and the sex that we have with her, it’s incredibly hard to fulfill our voyeuristic and most fantastic desires. We don’t want to cheat (most of us) and yet we have thoughts of other girls, other places and impossible situations. Thus, we masturbate. It’s the eternal answer to everything that plagues men. Don’t take it as an insult to your skills in bed, because trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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46 Comments on "Why Do Men Masturbate When They’re in a Relationship?"

11 months 1 day ago

So why would a man wank instead of having sex with his girlfriend?? I really think that’s pathetic

1 year 2 months ago

I’m in a relationship for about 6 years now off and on.The last two years we have been living to gather.I have always been high when it comes to sex, my partner not.Lately he told me he has no sexual desires and went to the doctor for depression pills.But I find out that he is masturbating and I do without. I’m confused and frustrated please help with you input.

1 year 5 months ago

So it’s okay for a man to be in a relationship and fantasies about other women is what your saying? Cause for me that’s wrong and means he’s not happy with what he has my man masturbate all the time and im left in the cold for weeks on end and all he can say is I do what I want so ya masturbation in a relationship is wrong.

1 year 6 months ago

April 3rd 2014 6:17
I can’t believe what I’m reading. How can one jerk off while having a girlfriend? And why would one watch while she’s jerking off? Lame. Just give it to her straight up. Instead of jerking off all day, give it to her all day. As simple as that.

1 year 8 months ago

I really don’t know where to begin. It is always good to also get a woman’s perspective on this issue. I don’t want to vouch for all the guys but it is important to note that most men are born fantasizing. I have been fantasizing about beautiful women before falling asleep for as long as I can remember. I hate to break it to you but your 4 year boy possibly knows that high heels are sexy and that tall women are more attractive than shorter ones. so, fantasies are part of a boy being. It is what it is. However, he has to wait until 12 to 15 to get his very first sexual experience and it so happens that very often it’s “masturbation”. Don’t get me twisted, at that time it is the most rewarding experience thus far. From that point, some boys will eventually outgrow the act by substituting it with intercourse with a real girl, while others maybe shy or physically disadvantaged and less attractive will tend to carry on with masturbation for much longer. The problem with masturbation in our society is that most boys get to know the word only way after they have experienced and are hooked to it. The lack of proper information from the parents and sometimes from the school (I don’t blame them though) often contribute to the problem. Understand that at that age we tend to associate everything sexually related to evil and try hard to suppress any urge for masturbation, which in my very own experience result in a fight-or-flight sort of response involving episodes of craving-ritual-use-guilt-triggers commonly known as the addiction circle. Believe it or not, many boys like myself from age of, say, 14 and above live every single day trying to break this circle however with little success. Back in the all days, porn was not as available as nowadays and only came into the picture at a later stage to feed even further what was already an addiction. The truth is when most men get married or tend to be involved in serious relationships they have already a sexuality on their own. If I were a girl in this day and age, I would ask upfront my future partner about his sexuality in details instead of assuming stuff. it is foolish to assume that a guy in his 30’s in this world where everything is sexually suggestive has no sex life whatsoever, which is an assumption still made by some naïve girls. Another mistake often made by girls is that they believe that part of their responsibilities from the day they said “I do” is to fix the sex life of their partner. Therefore, they associate the fact that he still masturbates to some form of failure on their part. Don’t get me wrong some men stop masturbating from the time they get married, but most don’t. They view intercourse as vital alternative, but struggle with the idea of having a wife there to curb every sex urge that they will ever have. And quite frankly most women who support that idea seem not to have thought it through. Long story short, your man masturbate for a variety of reason:
– because is simply addicted to the practice way before you even come to picture, so it is not about you.
– other women out there are making a living out of your man addiction uploading thousand and thousand of pictures per day for his enjoyment. they are also to be blamed