Your Call – Does Bad Sex Have to Be a Deal-Breaker?

photo by M31.

Can sexual compatibility improve over time in a relationship — or does it need to be there from the start for the relationship to work? Is bad sex necessarily a deal-breaker? Read the letter below and then advise “Underwhelmed” in the feedback section below.

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve always been a fairly promiscuous woman, in between looking for Mr. Right, and I’ve enjoyed most of the sex I’ve had, and consistently gotten rave reviews. I’ve never had a shortage of lovers and only rarely found myself sexually incompatible with someone. I’ve got some skills.

And I was thrilled this year when I met someone with whom I actually connected emotionally, and really felt excited to be around, talk to, and spend time. I was excited and turned on by him physically and emotionally.

So I was pretty shocked to find that the sex is insurmountably bad. I’m excellent at giving head, and approach it with gusto, but around his cock my bag of tricks doesn’t seem to work. I’ve had guys who were too small for me, but this guy is actually WAY too thick. To the point that there are very few positions we can use and when I get close to orgasm and start to clench down a bit it actually hurts him a great deal and we have to stop. He probably only comes about 30% of the time.

I’ve never had a sexual relationship like this. With anyone else I would’ve just chalked it up to weird sex issues and gone on my merry way to the next dude but I don’t often fall into a “boyfriend” space with someone and I am crazy about this guy. He’s introduced me to his family, we’ve talked about moving in together. It’s clearly “going somewhere” but I know that if the sex doesn’t actually improve we don’t have a chance. He’s reticent to talk and, frankly, I don’t know how to make myself more commodious, or figure out what will get him off without him TELLING me what to do, especially since the moves and tricks that worked so well on the previous bazillion dudes doesn’t work on the one guy I want to keep around.

How to make myself bigger? It’s not a lube issue. I’m juicy. Just small. How to get him to talk? Should I go back to slutting it up? I’m in my 30s. I’d rather have this work than go back to the (albeit more sexually compatible) anonymous masses.

— Underwhelmed

What should “Underwhelmed” do? Advise her below…

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12 Comments on "Your Call – Does Bad Sex Have to Be a Deal-Breaker?"

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I’m actually going through a similar situation in the bedroom, however, my situation is that the guy is a little too small. Now, I give him credit for trying to make up for what he ahem, lacks, orally. However, even with clitoral stimulation it takes me a while to orgasm with him, and he gets off rather quickly. This has been bothering me for about a month now as I never feel sexually satisfied. We’re about 8 years apart (I’m 25), and I honestly just think that he is unable to keep up with my sexual needs/desires. I like him… Read more »

pik: Thank you! I was starting to get really irritated with some commenters’ clit fixation. I personally get really bored when my lover *only* pays attention to that.

Underwhelmed: if he’s unwilling to even talk about these issues with you, that’s a bigger red flag than the sex. What happens when other big issues crop up in your relationship — finances, family issues, crises? Will he clam up then too? And if so, is this really going to be a long-term relationship that you want to settle for?

Princess McGregor
It’s so ironic that I stumbled upon this article. I thought I was reading about myself when Underwhelmed was describing herself: experienced and skilled, etc. I am having a similar issue in the bdrm too – not where anything painful is happening but there are some definite signs of erectile dysfunction. I don’t know exactly when is the “right time” to have a conversation about it with my boyfriend. I was on top of him the other morning and I could actually feel his penis deflating. I looked him in the eye and tapped his forehead and said “I think… Read more »
palesa: i think you are definitely on the right track with this one. however… sure, sex is far more than just intercourse. but that doesn’t mean that his size “shouldn’t matter” – clearly it does matter, to her, in a big way. since orgasm is hardly the only point of sex, having one big part of it be simply too painful to enjoy can be a huge problem. i love all kinds of sex… but intercourse is very important to me. if i were only able to have a pleasurable sexual experience by forgoing intercourse itself, i would eventually get… Read more »
Dear Undrewhelmed, that sucks! Good sex (for starters, manageable sex) is important! But everything else you’ve described as your feelings for this guy is also very, very, very important – and so much more difficult to find than passably good sex! And sure, you can (and will) focus on all sorts of other ways that get you to your orgasm, but it sounds like that’s not really the problem. It’s also about you pleasing him that doesn’t seem to be working. And hey, despite of all the excessive attention it gets, intercourse is also important! I mean, who would really… Read more »
Thank you fuzzy. I was doubting my ability to be a shameless advertiser. I will continue to be a shameless advertiser of a woman who has dedicated her life to helping women achieve sexual pleasure. That would be Dr. Betty Dodson of http://www.DodsonandRoss.com And a shameless advertiser of clean and natural products that have less of a chance of causing vaginal irritation/infection. That would be the Carrageenan lubricant. A shameless advertiser of a woman’s REAL sex organ. That would be the clitoris and NOT the vagina. A shameless advertiser of people who have actually bothered to educate themselves in the… Read more »

Thank you sugarmag. Glad to know there are clit-positive people out there.