9/26/16
Your Call: Does Her Long-Time Fling Have a Future?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

So I have been talking to a guy for almost 7 years , we just clicked right of the bat, from personal problems to our favorite color. I mean, we know everything about each other. He had a girlfriend at the time we started talking and they broke up after 2 years. After talking for 5 years we finally made a day to meet each other. When we did, we had sex and we just hit it off. He will message every other day to check up on me. We’ve had sex 3 times altogether and I’m getting attached. I’m seriously in love with this guy and I just don’t know what to do.

Every time we have sex, well, specifically the last time we had sex, it was so passionate and it’s like deep down he cares about me. After talking for 6+ years you’d think he would tell me his feelings but I just can’t seem to get it out. He is always making me laugh, and every time I try to step back to breath and to see where he stands, especially after we hook up, he messages me lol.

I have seriously fallen head over heels for this guy and I’m not getting nowhere. I mean, I don’t want a relationship at the moment, I just want to see how he feels about me and possibly later on down the road see where the future takes us. If he just wanted sex then he would have left me after the first time, right ? Help!  

— In Love & Lost

What should ILL do?
Let her know in the comments below!

5 Comments

  1. It appears he likes you, but he might be waiting for you to bump it up to the next level. Try to take the initiative and plan a few get together, that don’t involve sex. You’ll learn a lot more about him face to face vs text or phone. I wouldn’t press with questions about where the relationship is going, guys hate to be cornered. Just go out and have fun. You will be able to tell after a few more meetings, if you actually like him in real life and if he is worth pursuing. Good luck.

  2. In response to your last sentence: “If he just wanted sex then he would have left me after the first time, right?” – I think it’s not necessarily.

    For some people, building that connection and sexual desire for someone is not that easy. It’s not just going out and having sex with any opposite gender that the person meets. It’s about building some trust, because they don’t want to have sex with just anyone whom they know nothing about their past sexual or relationship history, their STD status – risks and possibility of having any based on their behaviors, standards, amount and choices (random or acquaintance) of sexual partners, etc.

    Friends with benefits do exist. Some people like to stick with certain sexual partners for sex, if they like their experiences with each other, so it doesn’t mean that he would’ve left you after one night stand if he doesn’t have feelings for you, but it doesn’t mean that it’s for sure that he only wants sex from you.

  3. (1) I agree on Sarah about going out with him on other occasions that don’t involve sex. If you want to know whether he has feelings for you outside of sex, then you need to eliminate the confounding factor, which is sex.

    I believe that sex has the power of making people emotional (but not necessarily sentimental), so can make people want to text/call their sexual partners, but those feelings might be lust and passion, but not love and concern.

    Sometimes people might develop all of these emotions towards their sexual partners, but sometimes it’s purely desire and attachment for more sex, and just that emotion can do wonder. So the best way to know how he, his heart, feels about you, is to meet and talk with him without the physical thing.

    (2) Then I want to say that I agree with Dave W on why this guy hasn’t expressed his feelings towards you. The possible reasons might be found between your interaction with him. For example, what have you said to each other when you met in person? Maybe he didn’t feel that you are ready for commitment? Or is he not ready for commitment as well?

    I think that having known someone for that long (5+ years) and having talked about so many things, should’ve sparked some willingness to commit, even if either of you started off with no intention of future commitment.

  4. My guess is that both of you cherish the pen-pal relationship you’ve built, and are afraid of losing it if you attempt the in-person bf/gf thing. The sentiments you express seem to indicate there’s good raw material that might be fashioned into a quality relationship. Sarah’s comment sounds like a decent road map to testing the waters further. But what really smacked me in the face was the “don’t want a relationship/possibly…down the road” sentence. Considering your tone up until then, it really surprised me. If you wanna know why he won’t share his feelings for you, there’s your answer right there. I don’t see why he should pour his heart out if you’ll just gather up those feelings and store them in a jar on your shelf, to be cracked open at an indeterminate point in the future when it’s convenient for you. A little harsh, but you get the idea. One final question that you could provide the answer for: Do you have commitment issues and why? I wish you two the best.

  5. In Love and Lost,
    This is certainly a unique situation. Just to be talking for 7 years without any sort of meeting or physical connection is pretty crazy! I think that if he’s been talking to you for that long and finally agreed to meet you, there has to be something there. But, you can’t really know this guy that well if you’ve only met a few times. I think the best way to find out what he wants from a relationship is to get to know outside of sex and not online. Ask him to go out for dinner or a movie or even just coffee– have a few in person conversations with him (without having sex) and then you can decide if you really have feelings for this guy (and if he has feelings for you!). Good luck!!

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