6/1/17
Your Call: Does Sex on a 1st Date Really Ruin Your Chances at a Relationship?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

I’m a 25-year-old woman who enjoys sex. I don’t need a man but I’m always open to the potential for a committed relationship. There’s a school of thought that if you want to pursue a relationship with a guy you shouldn’t sleep with him on the first date. Is this still true? It seems so 20th-century. Do guys really judge you that harshly for engaging in something fun that both of you are obviously into? And if so, what the hell?

— Free Lover

Tell F.L. what you think in the comments below.

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24 Comments on "Your Call: Does Sex on a 1st Date Really Ruin Your Chances at a Relationship?"

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Callitlikeiseeit
Look, I’m a 28yr old male, and I’m pretty positive I’ve been in an awesome 6 month relationship where we met on a dating app, she came over stayed the weekend with me where I was house sitting, and I fell in love with her mind, and soul, and well, yes her body too. But it was in THAT ORDER. And that was something truly unique for me. Granted, we did end up sleeping together that night, er… morning… or – you get the idea… But, the only issues I will caution you about are these::: 1. DO NOT RUSH… Read more »
Em & Lo

We were with you there, but then you lost us a bit with the “some women happily marry their rapists” as justification for how almost any relationship can work.

Dave
Em and Lo…you already covered this question 5 years ago! http://www.emandlo.com/wise-guys-is-sex-on-a-first-date-a-relationship-killer/ It would seem that many people agree with my view! lol I think a big reason to wait is….you truly don’t know the other person. Most people put their best foot forward in the beginning; many people lie about themselves in the beginning. The guy might already be involved with someone else! I suppose the real answer is….if the woman doesn’t care whether the the sex on the first date turns into a LTR, or merely is a one night stand then there really is nothing to debate or… Read more »
Johnny

My wife and I slept together 1.5 hours into our first date. I wouldn’t dwell on it.

Alice

I agree! My partner and I met on Tinder and we are still together. Sex and when it occurs does not determine relationship status or your future…

Hex

I once had sex with a girl on the first date. We then went on to live together for 8=7 years and we have now been married for 20 years.

Worked out great for us!

Tahnya Dorsey

Same here… lol and no I don’t do others lol… I think there comes a time to where you just want one of them and you don’t care about all the rest of them

Dave
In that moment of passion it might not appear to make a difference BUT we all have active imaginations. It’s not that hard for most guys to go…Hmmm, I wonder if she fucked another guy last night? How many guys in the last month has she fucked? Can I really be special if she bangs guys so quickly and easily? How do I “measure up” to those other guys? Understand this…people don’t like to be hurt. It’s much easier to suddenly find yourself place on the booty call list when you sleep with someone so quickly. Your casual attitude towards… Read more »
Em & Lo

It would seem the other guys on this thread contradict your theory. We’re always wary of the Men Are From Mars approach. Sure, some people, women included, like the chase and want to feel they’ve worked for a person’s affection. Others feel that if two people really connect right off the bat, why play games and wait to do something they’ll both enjoy just because of some arbitrarily prudish dating rules. Seems more cultural than biological.

Dave

I really have to take exception to your statement: “why play games”. Is it game play to wait until you know someone better? Is it game playing to wait until you can be sure of another person’s intentions? Is it game playing to place a “value” upon yourself? This world is being reduced to swipe left or swipe right.
Don’t think about your actions, don’t consider any consequences, just do what feels good in the moment.

Dave
Well..2 people offering their own perspective is not what I would call a contradiction. And I would not call what I’m talking about being a “prudish dating rule”. I think everyone in a relationship wants to feel “special” to their partner. I’m just pointing out that many people struggle with their partners past. Look up retroactive jealously; look at the comments on the “last partner had a big cock” thread; what you’ll see is that people struggle with these types of issues. Feeling like you’re just “next” doesn’t make for a promising start to a relationship. This works for both… Read more »
Em & Lo

It was 3 — count ’em, THREE — whole dudes who who offered their contradictory experience! We’re pretty sure that’s a scientifically sound sample size. 😉

Dave
LOL…yes I see it was 3 AFTER I made my reply…sadly I could not edit my reply to correct it. But just remember…..Galileo…who said that the sun and other planets did NOT revolve around the earth. Right is right, not matter what the majority might say or feel. People would do well to study brain science in order to better understand why we do the things we do. How our brain process information and makes decisions. Study the prefrontal cortex and see how it is not fully formed until our mid 20’s….which is why young people make such stupid choices… Read more »
Johnny
So you’re a neuroscientist now? Come on, stop it. You’re just a guy with a serious case of Madonna/whore complex. Don’t “study brain science” us. It seems that sex is a big important deal to you, and you prefer a woman who feels the same way you do. That’s fine. Many people feel the way you do. Shared values make for better relationships. Sex is one of those issues where partners MUST be on the same page, otherwise, like you said, hurt feelings, I’m-not-special insecurities, etc. You say, “It’s not that hard for most guys to go…Hmmm, I wonder if… Read more »
Dave
I find it amusing that many times the question the letter writer is seldom address in these comments. Instead many of the comments become attacks against previous posters. You know what they say….opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. I like to think that along with posting my thoughts I also post references that will allow the letter writer, or others who are interested, into being able to research the issue and get a clearer understanding of the topic of concern. The question asked could be answered with a basic “yes/no” answer, but that really don’t give the letter writer… Read more »
Em & Lo

They’re real. Sometimes (rarely) they repost. Perhaps that’s because it can feel vulnerable to jump into the mix — one risks being (or feeling) attacked or judged or picked apart or criticized. (We’ll admit we could also do a better job of consistently giving them a heads up that their question has been posted – ooops!)

Stephen

Em & Lo, that is totally understandable. What you thoroughly described are exactly the actions that Dave consistently does to others. With that being said, I hope, for their sake, they decide not to post any follow-ups.

Dave

Actions I take? You might want to take a closer look at the responses you make.

Stephen
When Em & Lo said the reason why people don’t post here is because “it can feel vulnerable to jump into the mix–one risks being (or feeling) attacked or judged or picked apart or criticized” should sound so familiar to you. I know it does to me because that one sentence 100% accurately described exactly what you did to me. For those people who come to this site and read these blogs, I will give this one piece of advice which also happens to be the best advice: As long as there are regular posters like you that are ready… Read more »
Dave
Umm…you’ve misquoted them. What they said was in reference to my asking when the “letter writers” seldom (never) post or reply. YOU have not been one of the letter writers. YOU started attacking any woman/poster who expressed a desire for a larger cock…your attacks were based purely upon your insecurities. I told you to seek professional help…which is sound advice. But instead you look to internet forums for support and then get angry when someone does not agree with you. Ok…you’ve got a small cock and are unable to date. Deal with it! Get help, make a happy life for… Read more »
Stephen

By continuing your judgmental, nasty replies, you just continue to prove my point and that Em & Lo’s one sentence sums up what you do and why others would be better off not posting here.

Dave

Yes it would be great if you gave them that heads up. There are so many questions that would be great to hear their feedback on.
In particular I’m thinking of “Sizest” the woman who after dating a guy with a big cock was unsure of how a smaller one would be. I’d love to know if she gave the average sized cock a try and if she actually surprised herself by enjoying it.

Tahnya Dorsey
Lol not all women lie. I actually find it hot my husband is the only one to screw me for the last 8 years and we actually screwed the first night we met… I wish I hadn’t screwed anyone before him but it is what it is… as for those of us that love that one dick, I couldn’t hurt him for another stupid dick if I want a different size, I’ll go to the store and buy one… I find it special to me that we don’t share that with others. I love his dick and his body and… Read more »
Compagno

Q: “Do guys really judge you that harshly for engaging in something fun that both of you are obviously into? ”
A: not this guy

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