6/1/17
Your Call: Does Sex on a 1st Date Really Ruin Your Chances at a Relationship?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

I’m a 25-year-old woman who enjoys sex. I don’t need a man but I’m always open to the potential for a committed relationship. There’s a school of thought that if you want to pursue a relationship with a guy you shouldn’t sleep with him on the first date. Is this still true? It seems so 20th-century. Do guys really judge you that harshly for engaging in something fun that both of you are obviously into? And if so, what the hell?

— Free Lover

Tell F.L. what you think in the comments below.

24 Comments

  1. Look, I’m a 28yr old male, and I’m pretty positive I’ve been in an awesome 6 month relationship where we met on a dating app, she came over stayed the weekend with me where I was house sitting, and I fell in love with her mind, and soul, and well, yes her body too.
    But it was in THAT ORDER.
    And that was something truly unique for me.
    Granted, we did end up sleeping together that night, er… morning… or – you get the idea…

    But, the only issues I will caution you about are these:::
    1. DO NOT RUSH INTO STRAIGHT- UP KINKS
    if you want it to last start slow, gently and gradually spicing it up over a long period of time(or your relationship time frame)

    2. BE HONEST, REAL AND DOWN TO EARTH ABOUT YOUR PAST. With your discretion, don’t lie, and don’t candy coat it, just treat it like the kinks but you just can’t make it seem like you withheld anything. You can ease into the details though.

    3. Dear GOD, CLEAN OUT YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA FOR ANYTHING QUESTIONABLE.
    Of course this is directly affected by how honest you are initially. I personally think it’s a joke and is meaningless 90% of the time.
    But these damn kids and their music….
    Anywho, for our more “promiscuous” readers, DO NOT leave up tacky or obscene pictures,
    COMMENTS OR any connections from some low point’s drunken slew of online outbursts.
    As for the other 10%, there are red flags about a persons reactions concerning their accounts and openness to share and so on and so forth.
    I can expound if anyone has questions.

    4. Anyone can make it work, if you stay faithful AAND committed. But not just to each other, but to your own personal Development and self enrichment, in order to MAINTAIN THE ATTRACTION. Especially in today’s world where everyone “gets bored” so easily….

    So in conclusion, I have one final case- and- point comment for ANYONE WHO DOESNT BELIEVE IN “love st first sight, or sleeping together on the first date.” And the is the following::
    Precursor **** I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY OR HOW, but this much is true::——

    All I’m sayin is successful relations are totally possible, especially When by choice.
    I’ve heard of and even knew a few women out there who ended up not only staying, but also admitted GETTING MARRIED with KIDS
    TO THEIR ADMITTED RAPIST.
    So there’s that.

    1. We were with you there, but then you lost us a bit with the “some women happily marry their rapists” as justification for how almost any relationship can work.

  2. Em and Lo…you already covered this question 5 years ago!
    http://www.emandlo.com/wise-guys-is-sex-on-a-first-date-a-relationship-killer/

    It would seem that many people agree with my view! lol
    I think a big reason to wait is….you truly don’t know the other person. Most people put their best foot forward in the beginning; many people lie about themselves in the beginning. The guy might already be involved with someone else!
    I suppose the real answer is….if the woman doesn’t care whether the the sex on the first date turns into a LTR, or merely is a one night stand then there really is nothing to debate or nothing to choose.
    Comes down to what I said earlier…Men chase and Woman choose. The woman always has control over when sex is going to happen. It is the woman who has all the power. I don’t think most women understand how much power they truly have.

    1. I agree! My partner and I met on Tinder and we are still together. Sex and when it occurs does not determine relationship status or your future…

  3. I once had sex with a girl on the first date. We then went on to live together for 8=7 years and we have now been married for 20 years.

    Worked out great for us!

    1. Same here… lol and no I don’t do others lol… I think there comes a time to where you just want one of them and you don’t care about all the rest of them

  4. In that moment of passion it might not appear to make a difference BUT we all have active imaginations.
    It’s not that hard for most guys to go…Hmmm, I wonder if she fucked another guy last night? How many guys in the last month has she fucked? Can I really be special if she bangs guys so quickly and easily? How do I “measure up” to those other guys?
    Understand this…people don’t like to be hurt. It’s much easier to suddenly find yourself place on the booty call list when you sleep with someone so quickly. Your casual attitude towards sex makes you seem less like relationship material. This all comes down to the guy not wanting to be emotionally hurt.

    A great book to read is “Men Chase, Women Choose”. It’s in a man’s DNA to chase. What someone puts effort into, has to work for, is something a man appreciates. When it comes too easily it has no value. This often applies to many things in life and not just women and sex. Something given to you often doesn’t have the same value and something you’ve worked hard to earn.

    1. It would seem the other guys on this thread contradict your theory. We’re always wary of the Men Are From Mars approach. Sure, some people, women included, like the chase and want to feel they’ve worked for a person’s affection. Others feel that if two people really connect right off the bat, why play games and wait to do something they’ll both enjoy just because of some arbitrarily prudish dating rules. Seems more cultural than biological.

      1. Well..2 people offering their own perspective is not what I would call a contradiction. And I would not call what I’m talking about being a “prudish dating rule”. I think everyone in a relationship wants to feel “special” to their partner. I’m just pointing out that many people struggle with their partners past. Look up retroactive jealously; look at the comments on the “last partner had a big cock” thread; what you’ll see is that people struggle with these types of issues. Feeling like you’re just “next” doesn’t make for a promising start to a relationship.
        This works for both men and women. No woman wants to feel she’s a notch on some guy’s belt.

        What it comes down to is….do you want to find and build a quality relationship or do you just want to fuck!? All I’m pointing out is how most men view the world. I work in an alpha male environment and when you jump into bed with a guy you’re now just fuckmeat, you don’t have much value beyond that.
        Not fair? Double standard? For sure, but like I said….just offering your reader my perspective.

        1. It was 3 — count ’em, THREE — whole dudes who who offered their contradictory experience! We’re pretty sure that’s a scientifically sound sample size. 😉

          1. LOL…yes I see it was 3 AFTER I made my reply…sadly I could not edit my reply to correct it. But just remember…..Galileo…who said that the sun and other planets did NOT revolve around the earth. Right is right, not matter what the majority might say or feel.

            People would do well to study brain science in order to better understand why we do the things we do. How our brain process information and makes decisions. Study the prefrontal cortex and see how it is not fully formed until our mid 20’s….which is why young people make such stupid choices and decisions in their life.

          2. So you’re a neuroscientist now? Come on, stop it. You’re just a guy with a serious case of Madonna/whore complex. Don’t “study brain science” us.

            It seems that sex is a big important deal to you, and you prefer a woman who feels the same way you do. That’s fine. Many people feel the way you do. Shared values make for better relationships. Sex is one of those issues where partners MUST be on the same page, otherwise, like you said, hurt feelings, I’m-not-special insecurities, etc.

            You say, “It’s not that hard for most guys to go…Hmmm, I wonder if she fucked another guy last night? How many guys in the last month has she fucked? Can I really be special if she bangs guys so quickly and easily? How do I “measure up” to those other guys…This all comes down to the guy not wanting to be emotionally hurt.”

            Well, some of us can handle that, bruh. I kind of pop a boner imagining the woman I’m with acting all slutty in the past. Sex isn’t ultra-sacred to me. I’ve stuck it in women just for fun. I also prefer a relationship based on shared values! I want a woman who’s like me.

            I wasn’t born this way, Dave. I was once a jealous and insecure young man. I couldn’t stand the idea that other guys had fucked my special snowflake girlfriend. I couldn’t stand the idea that the woman who was so special to me was some douche’s half-remembered one-night-stand. I desperately wanted her to tell me that all the sex she had before me was a regrettable mistake.

            Know what the root of all that was? Insecurity and scarcity mentality. As soon as I came into my own as a womanizer – as soon as the world of sexual abundance that women enjoy opened up to me too – all that cleared right up. Once I became one of the well-laid people, I ceased to resent them. Funny how that works.

            One last thought, Dave: women lie about sex. They lie their hot ASSES off about it. But not to me. They lie to guys like you. They lie because they face the sort of judgement and criticism you’re ready to heap upon them. This is another thing you learn when you go from sexless chump to well-laid man: there’s a whole world female sexuality you just aren’t privy to when your mind is closed and full of judgement. They smell it on you and they lie so you don’t scorn and shame them. With an attitude like yours, you’ll never really get to know your own partner. If I spent ten minutes with your girlfriend, Dave, I could get her to giggle and confess to me things she’d NEVER in a million years tell you. I promise you that.

          3. Lol not all women lie. I actually find it hot my husband is the only one to screw me for the last 8 years and we actually screwed the first night we met… I wish I hadn’t screwed anyone before him but it is what it is… as for those of us that love that one dick, I couldn’t hurt him for another stupid dick if I want a different size, I’ll go to the store and buy one… I find it special to me that we don’t share that with others. I love his dick and his body and even though I’m sure there are others out there, this one is mine and nobody else can give me that look he gives when he cums in me… you can get sex anywhere, yes, but personality and mannerisms are unique to a specific individual and those are what hets me off… not a dick I can get anywhere. Every guy has a dick but not the person I crave that’s attached to it that I love… btw we’ve been together 8 years…

          4. I find it amusing that many times the question the letter writer is seldom address in these comments. Instead many of the comments become attacks against previous posters.

            You know what they say….opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. I like to think that along with posting my thoughts I also post references that will allow the letter writer, or others who are interested, into being able to research the issue and get a clearer understanding of the topic of concern.
            The question asked could be answered with a basic “yes/no” answer, but that really don’t give the letter writer anything more than just opinions.
            Gaining some understanding of how the mind works allows one to understand what is going on at a deeper level.

            The letter writer wanted to know if sex on the first date will effect a RELATIONSHIP. That’s the key word. Womanizing and having one night stands are not relationships. It’s all just game playing and what’s interesting is that it’s usually played by those with insecurity issues and attachment issues. There is an inner fear that prevents them from becoming close to another person.

            It would be nice to see a reply from the letter writer. I’m not sure I’ve ever read a comment/reply for the original letter writer??? This leads me to think that there might not be a specific “letter writer” and that Em and Lo are just posting generic topics in order to start a dialogue. But perhaps it’s a mix of actual letter writers and generic topics (sparked by comments from actual readers).

          5. They’re real. Sometimes (rarely) they repost. Perhaps that’s because it can feel vulnerable to jump into the mix — one risks being (or feeling) attacked or judged or picked apart or criticized. (We’ll admit we could also do a better job of consistently giving them a heads up that their question has been posted – ooops!)

          6. Yes it would be great if you gave them that heads up. There are so many questions that would be great to hear their feedback on.
            In particular I’m thinking of “Sizest” the woman who after dating a guy with a big cock was unsure of how a smaller one would be. I’d love to know if she gave the average sized cock a try and if she actually surprised herself by enjoying it.

          7. Em & Lo, that is totally understandable. What you thoroughly described are exactly the actions that Dave consistently does to others. With that being said, I hope, for their sake, they decide not to post any follow-ups.

          8. When Em & Lo said the reason why people don’t post here is because “it can feel vulnerable to jump into the mix–one risks being (or feeling) attacked or judged or picked apart or criticized” should sound so familiar to you. I know it does to me because that one sentence 100% accurately described exactly what you did to me. For those people who come to this site and read these blogs, I will give this one piece of advice which also happens to be the best advice: As long as there are regular posters like you that are ready to personally attack, judge, take apart, and criticize others after they make themselves vulnerable, then I strongly recommend that the best advice to them and what’s in their best interests is to never post comments here so they won’t subject themselves to that unnecessary aggravation.

          9. Umm…you’ve misquoted them. What they said was in reference to my asking when the “letter writers” seldom (never) post or reply. YOU have not been one of the letter writers. YOU started attacking any woman/poster who expressed a desire for a larger cock…your attacks were based purely upon your insecurities.
            I told you to seek professional help…which is sound advice. But instead you look to internet forums for support and then get angry when someone does not agree with you.

            Ok…you’ve got a small cock and are unable to date. Deal with it! Get help, make a happy life for yourself. Why do you want to wallow in self pity? Everyone has insecurities…that’s what it is to be human! But your insecurities don’t give you a free pass, they aren’t some shield to hold up against being taken to task.
            But for some reason you don’t want to seek professional help…well that’s your choice and you will live the remainder of your days unhappy and alone.
            Why you would choose that I don’t know…but choose it you have!

          10. By continuing your judgmental, nasty replies, you just continue to prove my point and that Em & Lo’s one sentence sums up what you do and why others would be better off not posting here.

      2. I really have to take exception to your statement: “why play games”. Is it game play to wait until you know someone better? Is it game playing to wait until you can be sure of another person’s intentions? Is it game playing to place a “value” upon yourself? This world is being reduced to swipe left or swipe right.
        Don’t think about your actions, don’t consider any consequences, just do what feels good in the moment.

  5. Q: “Do guys really judge you that harshly for engaging in something fun that both of you are obviously into? ”
    A: not this guy

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