6/8/10
Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?

Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…

Dear Em & Lo,

I recently started dating a wonderful man. He’s smart, and interesting, and handsome and the sex has been delightful.

But not outstanding. But we’ve been working a fairly brisk learning curve and we can’t seem to get enough of each other anyway, and I’m stupidly happy in his arms so everything should be coming up roses, right?

Except for the GIANT black-leather-studded elephant in the room, which is his propensity towards BDSM. He hasn’t really trotted it out to me in a big way, but I know that I am decidedly NOT into whatever he’s into, eg: humiliation, manipulation, extreme bondage, violent spankings, etc. He’s brought it up a few times as something that he engages in as a significant part of his sexuality.

I’m definitely not that girl. I can’t imaging enjoying anything about it. I’m the type to be playful in bed, or silly, or just rut like an animal. But always as an equal to my partner. I don’t want to dominate OR be submissive as a defined and absolute role. Humiliation and manipulation, feeling powerless or at someone’s mercy…well, the thought of it frankly terrifies the hell out of me. And being scared does NOT turn me on. I might be the only woman in the world who doesn’t have  a rape fantasy.

I suppose it bears mention that I have a history of manipulation and abuse in my childhood. So having gone through many years and many thousands of dollars of therapy, I’m loathe to have someone assert control over me all over again.

So…is this doomed? The more I think about how this is an integral part of his sexuality, the more upset I get and want to run away. We’ve been having pretty much vanilla sex, and it’s good. But it’s not great. Not for either of us. For me, I think, it’s because I’m perpetually wondering if he’s going to do something that makes me ill at ease, or put me in a position where I will feel scared or somehow terrorized. And I know that’s what he wants, and that by my unwillingness to engage in BDSM, I’m robbing him of his desires. I mean, hell, it’s the only porn he has.

Should I break up with him? I’m definitely not the girl who will satisfy this for him.

— Vanilla Girl

What should Vanilla Girl do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.

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147 Comments on "Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?"

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Kat

I’m in a relationship where he is vanilla and I am not. I can honestly say that it is not what I want. It’s been super hard to stay in, especially because he is trying to change me to vanilla. It honestly just isn’t going to work. I hate to be harsh, but you should find someone who will take you for you.

X V
I am a happily married male; 20+ year relationship. I am kinky, wife is vanilla. The kink need has not been met since before we got married. I would like to respectfully pose a question to the experts here: “Why does a partner need to be ‘into it’ to help meet the need?” I will say that for a brief period my wife had a brief isolated sexual (quasi-kink) need that I was not into at all, but I obliged (wholeheartedly) because I knew how much she enjoyed it. In fact I would do anything (except perhaps scat) to meet… Read more »
Aimee
Recently got into a relationship with someone that is a dom. I myself was totally against it. Suffered some horrific abuse when I was younger and battled with the idea that he took joy in “hurting” someone else. We started only having vanilla sex, but as I learnt to trust him and know what it’s all about, I’ve actually learned it’s more consensual that most sexual relationships – if he’s a good dom – it’s about talking and explaining – I’m only exploring and I’ll never go as far as he has but we’ve experienced a bit and everything we… Read more »
Tony Conrad

I have a happy marriage and I am the kinky one. My wife doesn’t get anything from spanking but that’s fine. I do ask her to spank me but that is all. I am not asking for domination. If she does the spanking I am kind of leading it and I love her for it. We have a lot of ordinary sex as well it’s just that spanking really switches me on in a special way for some reason.

Anna
You could learn more about BDSM. Read some BDSM erotic books. See if there is anything that turns you on and try those things. You can participate in bdsm without necessarily being a submissive. I am a bottom, that means I take the submissive role in sex and play but in other aspects of my life I am in control. BDSM encompasses so many things and the practices are meant to be safe sane and consensual. Do these things with baby steps and who knows you might be surprised to like some practices. When I started I thought I was… Read more »
Normal
This relationship is doomed. You are a woman with normal sexual needs. He is a pervert, maybe because it is in his personality or because his sexuality has been poisoned by watching too much porn. Even if you would try to go his way a bit, it will never be enough. It is never enough for these kind of guys. I guess they will only be satisfied if they can beat their sexual partner in hospital, or to death. Probably it won’t be even enough then. I think that these days these extreme sexual behaviour is often considered normal because… Read more »
Tony Conrad

So I am a pervert too even though I don’t watch porn but like to be spanked? My wife is very comfortable with it and I love her for it. We have been happily married for over thirty years and have a very good relationship. Of course we do other things as well but the kink aspect is exciting when it happens. We have never seen a problem with it. She actually encourages me in it when I sometimes say why am I like this?

Kinkster

EXCUSE ME!!

That is such a terrible accusation to make about some one and an entire lifestyle you know nothing about

Sandi

Honestly, the relationship is doomed. Get out before you fall in love. Love cannot save this situation. It’s a big deal, and you are not right for each other. As a person in a boring sex relationship, with a ld spouse, life sucks a lot of the time. I made a big mistake. Thought love solved all. I was blatantly ridiculous.

Lizzy

I am in a marriage with a guy I love very much. Before we got married he was willing to do kinky stuff that I am very much into. I get turned on by being submissive. Since we got married he pretty much only wants vanilla sex. It is turning me off and bores me to death. I rather watch tv… Sad. I think you should get out of this relationship before it is too late. Find someone you are compatible with! Sex is a big part of a relationship.

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