6/8/10
Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?

Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…

Dear Em & Lo,

I recently started dating a wonderful man. He’s smart, and interesting, and handsome and the sex has been delightful.

But not outstanding. But we’ve been working a fairly brisk learning curve and we can’t seem to get enough of each other anyway, and I’m stupidly happy in his arms so everything should be coming up roses, right?

Except for the GIANT black-leather-studded elephant in the room, which is his propensity towards BDSM. He hasn’t really trotted it out to me in a big way, but I know that I am decidedly NOT into whatever he’s into, eg: humiliation, manipulation, extreme bondage, violent spankings, etc. He’s brought it up a few times as something that he engages in as a significant part of his sexuality.

I’m definitely not that girl. I can’t imaging enjoying anything about it. I’m the type to be playful in bed, or silly, or just rut like an animal. But always as an equal to my partner. I don’t want to dominate OR be submissive as a defined and absolute role. Humiliation and manipulation, feeling powerless or at someone’s mercy…well, the thought of it frankly terrifies the hell out of me. And being scared does NOT turn me on. I might be the only woman in the world who doesn’t have  a rape fantasy.

I suppose it bears mention that I have a history of manipulation and abuse in my childhood. So having gone through many years and many thousands of dollars of therapy, I’m loathe to have someone assert control over me all over again.

So…is this doomed? The more I think about how this is an integral part of his sexuality, the more upset I get and want to run away. We’ve been having pretty much vanilla sex, and it’s good. But it’s not great. Not for either of us. For me, I think, it’s because I’m perpetually wondering if he’s going to do something that makes me ill at ease, or put me in a position where I will feel scared or somehow terrorized. And I know that’s what he wants, and that by my unwillingness to engage in BDSM, I’m robbing him of his desires. I mean, hell, it’s the only porn he has.

Should I break up with him? I’m definitely not the girl who will satisfy this for him.

— Vanilla Girl

What should Vanilla Girl do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.

Say Something

136 Comments on "Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?"

avatar
Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Anna
You could learn more about BDSM. Read some BDSM erotic books. See if there is anything that turns you on and try those things. You can participate in bdsm without necessarily being a submissive. I am a bottom, that means I take the submissive role in sex and play but in other aspects of my life I am in control. BDSM encompasses so many things and the practices are meant to be safe sane and consensual. Do these things with baby steps and who knows you might be surprised to like some practices. When I started I thought I was… Read more »
Normal
This relationship is doomed. You are a woman with normal sexual needs. He is a pervert, maybe because it is in his personality or because his sexuality has been poisoned by watching too much porn. Even if you would try to go his way a bit, it will never be enough. It is never enough for these kind of guys. I guess they will only be satisfied if they can beat their sexual partner in hospital, or to death. Probably it won’t be even enough then. I think that these days these extreme sexual behaviour is often considered normal because… Read more »
Kinkster

EXCUSE ME!!

That is such a terrible accusation to make about some one and an entire lifestyle you know nothing about

Sandi

Honestly, the relationship is doomed. Get out before you fall in love. Love cannot save this situation. It’s a big deal, and you are not right for each other. As a person in a boring sex relationship, with a ld spouse, life sucks a lot of the time. I made a big mistake. Thought love solved all. I was blatantly ridiculous.

Lizzy

I am in a marriage with a guy I love very much. Before we got married he was willing to do kinky stuff that I am very much into. I get turned on by being submissive. Since we got married he pretty much only wants vanilla sex. It is turning me off and bores me to death. I rather watch tv… Sad. I think you should get out of this relationship before it is too late. Find someone you are compatible with! Sex is a big part of a relationship.

Dawson

Yes. I’m in a vanilla relationship right now and I’m deep into the D/s part of BDSM and its miserable.

Girl
My bf is into bdsm and I’m more on the vanilla side. So recently I’ve decided to let him sleep with other women to get his bdsm urge out, I told him it’s fine as long as it doesn’t affect our time together and our sex life. So far it hasn’t. We are both allowed to sleep with girls (I’m bi and we sometimes have 3somes) but thinking of him doing it behind my back upsets me. I went thru his phone the other night and saw that he started doing it, deep down I thought he was but wasn’t… Read more »
Girls

Also I have no interest in bdsm so he won’t get it from me even if we tried and i wanna compromise bc I love him

sad but moving on

break up. my husband casually mentioned his interest in kinky sex but didn’t push it. our vanilla sex marriage was a little boring but we got along pretty well. 23 years later and with 2 kids, he is leaving me because he was seeing a dominatrix on the side (unknown to me) and fell in love with her. he is convinced they have this amazing connection together that we never had or will ever have. wish me luck as i navigate divorce knowing my “love” is madly in love with someone else.

Pizzle Pete
NO, this lady or grandma is CRAZY. IDK WTF this lady was thinking. If you don’t listen to anyone on this shitty website, please, listen to me. Most of, the replys are bs on your post, or what I’ve read. If someone has an interest in something, and b/c of your response; they completely drop it. They will go back to their interests, sooner or later. NO MATTER WHAT. Even if you both love each other. The partners needs are unmet, undesired, thrown aside. If a partner mentions something. Understand it, completely, and fcking DISCUSS it. In depth. Over a… Read more »
Tammy
Speaking as a guy heading down this route. Dont think he doesnt love you, he fought his sexual urges for years because he loved you so much. You also played a huge role as well. Tell me you couldnt have tried to adopt his fantasies more. I bet you just waved it off everytime he mentioned it and would just wait until the next time he mentioned it to make small changes. This is currently what is happening to me. My girlfriend of many years is just resistant to any type of growing sexually, i love her, but i know… Read more »
Alex
I’m a male who is into BDSM while my girlfriend is not. I love her deeply and I have no desire to break-up with her. The key thing here is to give it a try. I know you have been through some terrible things and you are scared that BDSM might bring those feelings to the forefront again, but it might. Futhermore, the one who truly dominates is you becasue it’s you who gives the consent, its you who can say the ‘safeword’ and put a stop to his aggresive actions immediatly. I think you should have a discussion with… Read more »
wpDiscuz