6/8/10
Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?

Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…

Dear Em & Lo,

I recently started dating a wonderful man. He’s smart, and interesting, and handsome and the sex has been delightful.

But not outstanding. But we’ve been working a fairly brisk learning curve and we can’t seem to get enough of each other anyway, and I’m stupidly happy in his arms so everything should be coming up roses, right?

Except for the GIANT black-leather-studded elephant in the room, which is his propensity towards BDSM. He hasn’t really trotted it out to me in a big way, but I know that I am decidedly NOT into whatever he’s into, eg: humiliation, manipulation, extreme bondage, violent spankings, etc. He’s brought it up a few times as something that he engages in as a significant part of his sexuality.

I’m definitely not that girl. I can’t imaging enjoying anything about it. I’m the type to be playful in bed, or silly, or just rut like an animal. But always as an equal to my partner. I don’t want to dominate OR be submissive as a defined and absolute role. Humiliation and manipulation, feeling powerless or at someone’s mercy…well, the thought of it frankly terrifies the hell out of me. And being scared does NOT turn me on. I might be the only woman in the world who doesn’t have  a rape fantasy.

I suppose it bears mention that I have a history of manipulation and abuse in my childhood. So having gone through many years and many thousands of dollars of therapy, I’m loathe to have someone assert control over me all over again.

So…is this doomed? The more I think about how this is an integral part of his sexuality, the more upset I get and want to run away. We’ve been having pretty much vanilla sex, and it’s good. But it’s not great. Not for either of us. For me, I think, it’s because I’m perpetually wondering if he’s going to do something that makes me ill at ease, or put me in a position where I will feel scared or somehow terrorized. And I know that’s what he wants, and that by my unwillingness to engage in BDSM, I’m robbing him of his desires. I mean, hell, it’s the only porn he has.

Should I break up with him? I’m definitely not the girl who will satisfy this for him.

— Vanilla Girl

What should Vanilla Girl do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.

Say Something

95 Comments on "Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?"

avatar

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Lady Di
Lady Di
1 year 10 months ago
My life has been one of satisfying serial relationships that last 2-3 years then burn out. I actually like this because I get to feel fully loved and open up to someone’s life. 7 years ago I met a man that really did it for me physically and intellectually. However he introduced me to his BDSM desires and held them up as a higher standard than what I view as vivid sexual and deep personal connections. 4 years ago we married. Even before we married he started to come out as unsatisfied and lacked interest in satisfying me. I worked… Read more »
jennie
jennie
1 year 10 months ago
Thankyou so much to Sara & Nancy. I was going insane with grief due to my husband coming out as ‘a dom’ recently while I was working away from home (saving his ass). He never once in 12 years let on…but was so emotionally distant and cold that I thought it was me. I tried everything, took care of myself, perfect home worked full time you name it. I found your comments have saved me. I am feeling ‘normal’ and although ‘vanilla’ doesn’t define me by any means it is who I am. I can’t believe a few weeks ago… Read more »
Cherryl
Cherryl
1 year 1 month ago

Tell your in-laws. Make him live his truth.

Jennifer
Jennifer
1 year 2 months ago
I have stumbled on these comments and so glad I have. I married 10 years ago. I am the vanilla girl and he – on a slow drip drip if discovery is heavily into BDSM and kink – or is this the same thing? Who knows? It’s not my thing. We separated a year ago and stayed very much in touch and as we had been – except we were deluding ourselves. I loved him as my rock. He resented me for the sex he didn’t get. But he didn’t show his emotions but I showed him mine. It would… Read more »
Kevin Millsap
1 year 11 months ago

Oklahoma has a law and that was way before marriage equality for same sex marriages
are, for the way it’s supposed to do the Christian thing and repeal these consensual sex laws and our minds.
As if puberty isn’t rough enough, back in good ‘ol NC, it
is considered to have sex on Sunday, Wednesday
and Friday the holy trinity of the Napoleonic wars.

New measures against child prostitution are also expected on rape laws, anyone
found guilty of being legislated, but.

simon
simon
1 year 11 months ago
Im so glad I came across this web page. My wife and I are going through exactly the same issues. We have two children so there is no way we are splitting and so we have to make the best of it together. I can only echo the stories of those here. I am a very sexually active dominant man, who loves his wife fiercely. However, she is into just vannila sex and this just doesnt do it for me. We have been round the houses and we are both totally happy we who we are. But we both want… Read more »
Andrea
Andrea
8 months 2 days ago

Omg i feel you here, my last relationship didnt went great at all. Me and my boyfriend were quite the opposte he just wanted normal dull sex while i wanted it to be kinky and i was way hornier than him. 🙂

soccer
1 year 11 months ago

Contact information can also be provided for parents with questions or concerns regarding a policy.
If you just want to hop into a season with your favorite football club and their correct rosters, then that’s what season mode is for.
Weblogs or blogs as they are known are here to stay.

Curiously peaking (Mary)
Curiously peaking (Mary)
2 years 17 days ago
Powerfully Defenceless: You have a lot of courage to come here. It is obvious you are hurting. Remember that strength comes from knowing who you are. It is terrifying to think of leaving someone you have been with for so long… But only you know if you should stay or go. I have interests in kink- but many of your responses above have made me ponder a lot. No one teaches you that people change and when you marry- that person may change too. It is scary to think of leaving the one you are with because you may never… Read more »
Powerfully Defenceless
Powerfully Defenceless
2 years 1 month ago
I was reading these posts and had to drop in. I’m kind of sad and broken feeling right now. I have a wife who is a beautiful lady and best friend. Not the cliché my girls my friend but seriously the one person in the world I can decompress with. I’m away from home a lot due to work but she’s my world. That all said I have been spending all night researching divorce and psychology of dysfunctional relationship sites. We’ve been together 6 years and honestly we always had sexual incompatibility problems but she is such a baddass that… Read more »
mary
mary
1 year 1 month ago

What a self absorbed narcissist you are. Life is so much more nuanced and interesting then getting your fantasies met. Try to do something for others that does not involve sex and it might make you understand what I mean. Good Luck!

Sam
Sam
11 months 10 days ago

That is probably the most insensitive reply I think I have ever read. truly. Congratulations on turning this into a shaming session as opposed to a place of healing.

wpDiscuz