6/8/10
Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?

Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…

Dear Em & Lo,

I recently started dating a wonderful man. He’s smart, and interesting, and handsome and the sex has been delightful.

But not outstanding. But we’ve been working a fairly brisk learning curve and we can’t seem to get enough of each other anyway, and I’m stupidly happy in his arms so everything should be coming up roses, right?

Except for the GIANT black-leather-studded elephant in the room, which is his propensity towards BDSM. He hasn’t really trotted it out to me in a big way, but I know that I am decidedly NOT into whatever he’s into, eg: humiliation, manipulation, extreme bondage, violent spankings, etc. He’s brought it up a few times as something that he engages in as a significant part of his sexuality.

I’m definitely not that girl. I can’t imaging enjoying anything about it. I’m the type to be playful in bed, or silly, or just rut like an animal. But always as an equal to my partner. I don’t want to dominate OR be submissive as a defined and absolute role. Humiliation and manipulation, feeling powerless or at someone’s mercy…well, the thought of it frankly terrifies the hell out of me. And being scared does NOT turn me on. I might be the only woman in the world who doesn’t have  a rape fantasy.

I suppose it bears mention that I have a history of manipulation and abuse in my childhood. So having gone through many years and many thousands of dollars of therapy, I’m loathe to have someone assert control over me all over again.

So…is this doomed? The more I think about how this is an integral part of his sexuality, the more upset I get and want to run away. We’ve been having pretty much vanilla sex, and it’s good. But it’s not great. Not for either of us. For me, I think, it’s because I’m perpetually wondering if he’s going to do something that makes me ill at ease, or put me in a position where I will feel scared or somehow terrorized. And I know that’s what he wants, and that by my unwillingness to engage in BDSM, I’m robbing him of his desires. I mean, hell, it’s the only porn he has.

Should I break up with him? I’m definitely not the girl who will satisfy this for him.

— Vanilla Girl

What should Vanilla Girl do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.

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99 Comments on "Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?"

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Tony Conrad
Tony Conrad
4 days 18 hours ago

I agree. You must get out. I don’t think kink should dominate the bedroom as the marriage is for both not one. Find an ordinary guy who you feel safe with.

K L
K L
1 month 3 days ago
Get out. Run, do not walk, to the door and get out. I’m completely regretting even allowing a taste of it into our relationship because now he wants it all the time. Daily. With at least one plastic appliance involved. Just today I took the afternoon off work to relax. No demands. Just chill time. Because I knew he had somewhere to be and was guaranteed at least an hour or two, I could enjoy some precious “me” time. No, his instructions were to watch at least one porno with a butt plug up my ass and to orgasm hard.… Read more »
quandariopus
quandariopus
2 months 10 days ago
for fucks sake- the idea is NOT to TORTURE or abuse soomeone against their will… from a male perspective, we really want to find a soman who FEELS secure and trusting of a lover trough all sorts of errotic/ sesual/ violant/ and emotional fantasies. .. we want a parter who knows we wont hurt them more than they are able, and wants to share in a journey to explore the hidden worlds of interpersonal intamacy…. but FOR FUCK SAKES;- you have to allow yourself to trust your partner and surrender as much as HE is trusting you and surrendering his… Read more »
Alison Carter
Alison Carter
8 months 9 days ago

Gross. Dump the bastard. Accommodating a sexuality that isn’t part of you is being seduced to a degrading act that you can’t take back. If you never fantasized about it, don’t accommodate it because of love. If he can’t switch off his desires for bdsm in order to deserve you and make the commitment to be turned on only by normal things, then he doesn’t love you. And he’s a man, so you know he won’t, so dump him. His logic may be that you should change yourself to accommodate him instead, then we’re back to square 1.

Mike Lawry
Mike Lawry
5 months 3 days ago

“Gross. Dump the bastard.”

Gross he has a sexual interest and explained it without pushing it. Gross you are a horrible person Alison Carter

Femenism Is Not Equality
Femenism Is Not Equality
7 months 3 hours ago

You are incredibly sexist.

john blaid
john blaid
10 months 22 days ago

Do him and yourself a favor and break it off now. I’m that guy and I made a mistake and now I’m committed and unhappy

Karen
Karen
1 month 22 days ago

I second that emotion. I’m a woman who likes rougher sex and married a vanilla guy. I am also unhappy. Big mistake. Sex is very important in a marriage.

bklynbug
bklynbug
11 months 18 days ago
One word: dialog. You say he’s mentioned it a few times, but it doesn’t sound like the two of you have really sat down and talked. Seriously. Clothes on, at the kitchen table, cards all laid out. Kink and vanilla are terms with fluid meaning. I think I’m fairly vanilla; my friends think I’m the kinkiest fucker on two legs (on my back is too easy). Tell him what your fears are. And your desires. And listen, really listen, to his. There may be some common ground that will make both of you happy (maybe not handcuffs, a silk tie… Read more »
Brown
Brown
11 months 18 days ago
I’ll say what I think the biggest challenge is and you can tell me if I have it right. Whether you’ve just met or been with each other for years, let’s assume that you are ‘in love’, but have fundamentally different ‘triggers’ when it comes to sexual response. The real problem is that when you’re in this kind of warm, loving relationship – both of you will be interested in making the other happy. His ‘trigger’ comes from ‘darker’ impulses/acts – which she might agree to… But at the end of the day, unless those ‘darker’ impulses/acts turn her on… Read more »
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