Your Call: How Can I Tell If My Friend with Benefits Is Falling for Me?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m 24 (as is the guy I’m writing about), and just a year out of university. I met a guy while out dancing almost two months ago, and instantly hit it off. We danced all night (although it was cute “swinging and twirling” each other, rather than grinding), had a few drinks and exchanged numbers. After a week or so, he admitted that he liked me a lot, but since it’d only been a few months since his last relationship ended, he wanted to take things slow (usually means the relationship is doomed, right?). I took that as an “I’m not interested,” and kept any convo we had casual.

After weeks of texting, we finally decided to meet up. We ended up sleeping together because honestly, the chemistry is FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC. It’s been almost two months, and we see eachother 3-4 times a week. While we have sex everytime, we do also watch movies and TV, cuddle a lot, and talk about each other’s families and life plans. He’s met my brother, although it was really by accident if I’m being totally honest, and I’ve met his brother and friends, but it was on a drunken night out — can I really put stock in that?

He’s far more affectionate, and says he thinks I’m perfect, and that our “sexual appetites” match each other. He uses the “L” word a lot to describe things about me, which is pretty new…and I find he’s started to become self-conscious around me, and touches, speaks and holds me more intimately. While everything is very FWB-ish, I’m wondering if the positive changes in his behaviour indicate that he’s started developing feelings for me, or if this is just a result of us getting to know each other and becoming more comfortable because of it.

Of course, I know the only real way to find out is to ask him…but I feel in doing so, I will reveal that I have developed feelings for him too. I’m told in relationships I behave like a guy, and to an extent it’s true; at this point, I could go either way with this guy: if he wants a relationship, then hallelujah! If not, I can literally switch those feelings off and keep on bangin’ him and be a merry booty caller.

Either way, I do know that I need to understand our direction or I may drive myself insane with over-thinking. How can I know if he wants more than just sex? I know he could come out and say it, but since I’m a very sexually-charged flirt, he may well be worrying if that’s all I want. What are “signs” I could look for? Or what may be an objective, ambiguous way to talk about it/finding out without ruining what we’re doing right now if he doesn’t want more?

— Dazed and Confused

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16 Comments on "Your Call: How Can I Tell If My Friend with Benefits Is Falling for Me?"

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Hi, i would like to have an advice, i am single mother and i met someone on dating website, when i met that person he said to me that he doesn’t have a gf but after while we were emailing each other every day until after 6 months i met him face to face and so we liked each other, but then he started telling me that he has a gf and that he loves her so i asked him to stay away and to stop texting me, but he insisted that he liked me and he continued to texting… Read more »
Em & Lo
In a word, yes. You already know he’s a liar, because he’s cheating on his girlfriend (and you’re aiding and abetting his cheating). We wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already married to this woman. The fact that he wants to have non-monogamous relationships is not the problem; the fact that he’s lying to his “GF” and stringing you along (despite your protestations) to make these non-monogamous relationships happen is the problem. It sounds to us like you’d prefer an exclusive relationship with him. And it’s clear that’s never going to happen with this guy. He keeps telling you what you… Read more »
This is EXACTLY my story EXCEPT that he’s 15 years my junior (45-30). We have become the best of friends after having known each other just over a year now. We communicated via text and email for a few weeks before we went on our first date. The second date was when we ‘hooked-up’ and we’ve been friends ever since. We took a 6-month hiatus from our FWB relationship and had a solely platonic friendship. Other than the sex, nothing between us ever changed. We hang-out all the time and have had sex only a dozen times in the last… Read more »
I’m the veteran of this type of ‘grey’ relationship. The only way to know for sure is to nicely request that you guys end the benefits package and try focus on being just friends. Say its for your own personal reasons that you find hard to talk about right now, and a good guy will respect that. Make it clear that you care about him and the friendship and want to continue being friends, though with focus on the platonic. Its very rare (though not impossible) for a guy to wanna date a girl seriously when they already have all… Read more »

^ Don’t bring it up! Things are going well. Just interpret his affectionate gestures as being a good thing (if you want more from him, that is), and roll with it.

I’m in a very similar situation, I met this guy at a coffee shop and we instantly hit it off, we texted each other for two months, when he asked me out once and I said yes but we never went forth with it – we finally met at his place and ended up having sex within an hour, we hang out a couple times a week and he’s recently started cuddling and once we even fell asleep in each others arms since we both had long tiring days. It’s confusing, because he’s a great guy and I care about… Read more »
My fwb is a very sweet,kind man.when we meet we have the best time ever. Before making out he takes me out to dinner or we go dancing together. And buys a bottle of wine and ice to the hotel room. We always make out in hotels becouse we keep it secret. When we make out its the best I ever have.then we talk and cuddle all night. In the morning we make out again then go to breakfast and he never let’s me pay for anything when he drops me iff he’l give me some money to go do… Read more »
He came off like a good christian man, caring for his parents,helping his adult children out financially. I dated the image we got engaged, he proposed to me infront of the GranFonda Bike Ride. The mayor was there. Beautiful event! We were planning our wedding…we both got scared…we couldn’t work thu the fear.. eventually he told me he could not afford $500. for rent..and bills. I found out he lived off his parents, he made $2000.00 mo. had bad credit. still paying the IRS and the DA. We had put a ring on layaway,(well put my diamond, on a different… Read more »