12/18/13
Your Call: How Do I Set Limits in a New BDSM Relationship?

photo via Entertainment Weekly
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. You can leave your advice in the comments section below (for a reader who appears to be dating a Christian Grey wannabe). 

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Dear Em & Lo,

Do you have any advice for setting limits in a new BDSM relationship?

My boyfriend is a dom and wants few limits. I’m new at this and don’t really know where my limits are other than the obvious of no kids, no animals, don’t kill me. So we’re kind of at a stand off. Any guidance would be appreciated! Thank you!

— In a Vanilla-Chocolate Swirl

What should Vanilla-Chocolate Swirl do? Leave your advice for her in the comments section below. (And in case no one else mentions it, we’d like to point out that Fifty Shades of Grey is NOT a how-to manual for kink. But this book is!)

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3 Comments on "Your Call: How Do I Set Limits in a New BDSM Relationship?"

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misspiggy
misspiggy
2 years 4 months ago

Er… your boyfriend wants few limits? As Finikki says, the limits are not up to him. Consider having a very serious conversaton with him to find out whether he’s a proper Dom or just a potential abuser. Have a look at Pervocracy for some ideas on how to tell the difference.

Aubs
Aubs
2 years 5 months ago

Some times it is best to have 2 safe words – example: yellow & red. Use “yellow” if you are starting to feel uncomfortable but still want to keep going and then use “red” if you want to stop. That is a good way to start to find your limits.

Have fun!

Finikki
Finikki
2 years 5 months ago
Since you don’t have experience and your partner does, you’re going to have to start out very slowly. Some guidelines: 1. Ask your partner to introduce only one new thing [being tied up, spanking, etc.] each time you have a session (and maybe only one thing every few sessions). 2. Take your time to get used to the new thing before you try anything else and make sure you’re comfortable with it. 3. Use your safeword early and often. Using it to stop something you may be only slightly uncomfortable with doesn’t mean that you’ll never try that thing again,… Read more »
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