Your Call: How Do You Deal with Jealousy?

Dear Em & Lo,

Jealously is the most perplexing emotion that I have ever felt! My boyfriend and I have been dating seriously for six months. He is the one who brought up the idea of moving in together and marriage and kids. All ideas that caught me off guard, but it tells me that he is really committed to me and cares about me. And it makes me smile. However, even in our secure relationship, I get so jealous when he hangs out with one of our mutual girl friends! I KNOW he will not cheat on me, and I KNOW he is not going to do anything hokey with her, so why do I get jealous when we hang out and he talks to her more? Ack! Is there something wrong with me?!?

— Green Eyed Monster

How should G.E.M. deal with her jealousy issues? Let her know in the comments below.

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12 Comments on "Your Call: How Do You Deal with Jealousy?"

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I think this comment section is starting to bear some similarity to the “can married people have opposite sex friends?” question, which addressed issues of jealousy. While I think it’s possible to work on extreme jealous reactions, which, as Johnny describes, really only hurt you, and aren’t productive or based in fact in any way (being angry with someone you’ve never met, like a new BF), sometimes, let’s admit, your significant other is simply being insensitive/ a dick. I’m not saying that’s the case here, but it does happen, and once you are part of a committed couple, I think… Read more »

Great advice, JenParis. That’s probably what I would do too.


@Dave W
Oh, I don’t actually freak out at people (I more get too passive!) so that wasn’t what I meant. I meant use the jealousy as a sign to examine your relationship and feelings and see if it’s indicative of something more.


Really good points, JenParis! Totally agree about never using her as a confidant…I did that once, was whining about a problem, and the response was an eager “Really?!” Ugh…

I’d recommend attempting to hang around with the female friend a bit more. Ask her to do stuff, invite her to go to the movies, have a spa day, etc. Face what is threatening you. If she spends all of the time you are together asking about your partner, bringing him up constantly, etc…then you will know that you have every reason to be on guard. Does she mention a guy she likes? Well, when, she may just want his male perspective on how she should read the cute guy’s signals or actions. When you are all ou together, does… Read more »
Dave W


I disagree that jealousy serves a purpose. People who have purged jealousy from their emotional repertoire can still sense that something is not right. They just choose to address the situation with an appropriate remedy and not open up a can of whup-ass. Unless, of course, it’s called for.

I think it’s true that there’s an element of age/wisdom where jealousy is concerned. I used to get insanely jealous early in my marriage (my husband taught, and was around a lot of female students/colleagues), I can’t believe now what used to turn my crank back then, but I know I’ve gotten to a very different place now. I do get vibes now and then from other women, and feel that they act inappropriately at times (too much attention), but I guess now I realize that he isn’t leading them on, and if anything, it’s just a bit of an… Read more »