We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
I I truly enjoy sex with my boyfriend, but I don’t orgasm through sex. We are a relatively new couple, and he hasn’t learned how to get me off reliably with oral sex. There is a problem with his orgasm,
My fairly new boyfriend hasn’t learned yet how to get me off reliably with oral sex. He recently told me that when he performs oral sex on me, I am too quiet and, in his opinion, need to be more vocal and give more direction. I did do this once, and while he took the direction then and there, he hasn’t applied that advice to any subsequent, um, interactions. I’m afraid by constantly telling him what to do, it’ll sound patronizing, like I’m suggesting he doesn’t know anything about female anatomy. And I’m afraid it will sound like I’m complaining he can’t get me off. I just don’t want to end up offending him, especially since he has made valiant efforts. It’s not like he’s bad at sex — he just hasn’t learned my body completely yet. So how can I communicate what he should do — how he can hit the right spot — without being condescending?
— Thigh & Dry
What should T&D do? Let her know in the comments below…
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It sounds to me like when you gave him direction that one time, perhaps you weren’t vocal enough in the moment to indicate how well it was working, and he concluded that it didn’t really. And so he moved on from it. If this is true, sparing his ego is easy. You say you’re sorry that you didn’t indicate clearly how great XYZ made you feel, and I bet he’ll do XYZ again, because it sounds like he cares about pleasing you.
I understand how your new boyfriend feels regarding the fact that you’re quiet in bed. I’m very vocal and my husband is the opposite. I have to rely on his body language, and I ask a lot of questions.
I always let him know when he’s on the right path as far as oral is concerned. If he hits *the* spot I’ll say “Ooo, right there”…or “Yeah, that’s good”…or “keep it right there, don’t stop, omg”… A little verbal guidance not only ensures that you’re getting exactly what you want, but it helps your partner know they’re pleasing you AND when you tell them “oh yeah, or right there, or that’s the spot, omg” it turns them on and boosts their confidence- which makes your bedroom time all the more fun and mutually satisfying!
I say let him know exactly what you want. But also, stroke his ego a bit after giving a “command”- tell him that it’s good, or it feels amazing, or throw in an OMG- the more excited you get, the hotter he’ll get and it might boost his confidence since it sounds like he’s unsure if he’s dong anything right.
Finally, have fun, practice, try new things and enjoy each other outside of the bedroom- it will make your intimate moments even more intimate.
Best of luck!
Okay he obviously cares and is definitely into pleasing you from the way that you make it sound. So this should be fairly easy. If you don’t want to go the route of direct word, there are other things. Let him watch you masturbate. Or when he’s going down on you and he’s a little off the spot, guide his head with your hands. And whenever he IS doing something right, be vocal! Moaning and a few “OH MY GOD”S are not something he’s likely to forget the next time around.
Not everybody likes dirty talk during sexual activity, and for some of us trying to talk at all during sex is a distraction to say the least.
That said, if you’re not distracted, and you don’t mind talking and if he can handle it too then make your directions part of your pillow talk.
If you know what you want to say but aren’t sure how to say it, a great place to start would be Em & Lo’s How to talk dirty without being dirty. Which I might have subtitled “how to talk dirty without sounding like a porn star.”
Note: It’s important to remember that “talking dirty” isn’t the same as “talking like a porn star.” Porn stars generally aren’t trying to excite their partners, they’re trying to convince the audience and/or their co-workers that their job is exciting instead of… well… their job.
figleaf