2/10/14
Your Call: I Was Bitchy, Now He Won’t See Me


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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

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Dear Em and Lo,

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been seeing this guy for more than a year. We used to get along perfectly, share laughs, get crazy. Of course I had my down moments here and there: I was a little bit depressed and I have a tendency to wallow. Anyway, now my hyper-sensitivity has turned into anger and irritation. If he’s late for our date, I ruin the date by pointing out how not nice it is to be late. I love the guy, I think he’s nice, but now the fact that I’m a yeller creeps him out and turns him off completely. And then he started not being nice to me.  Now he’s refusing to see me, saying I’m stressing out. I don’t know what to do. Should I continue to try to see him? Or is it too late and I’ve already lost him? If he ends up sticking around, will it only be because he hasn’t found anyone else worth leaving me for?  I’m desperate …

— Untamed Shrew

What should U.S. do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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7 Comments on "Your Call: I Was Bitchy, Now He Won’t See Me"

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Dave W
Dave W
2 years 5 months ago
I’m seriously late to the party, but I could relate to your letter. I’m a chronic depressive, and one of the things you’d learn in therapy is that depression and anger are very closely related. You don’t say how you respond after an incident where you become unnecessarily angry. Whenever I display some irritability, I feel that it’s very helpful to offer an apology at some point. If he feels like he always being blamed, that’s not good, and if you think the yelling grows out of your personal issues, unrelated to any transgressions on his part, he needs to… Read more »
misspiggy
misspiggy
2 years 5 months ago

In addition to Tony’s excellent advice, don’t bring up what he did to upset you at the same time as your apology – or it will seem like a fake apology. Do the contrite apologising, ask if there’s still a chance for you two, start the therapy or self investigation, and only some time later, if you’re still together, address the things that annoy you. Lots of luck. Whatever happens with this guy, the work that you do on yourself will make things go much more smoothly with the next.

Tony
Tony
2 years 5 months ago
Kudos to you for being willing to look at your own behavior. That’s a good start. First, if he doesn’t want to see you anymore due to you being angry and yelling at him, the best you can do at this point is to apologize. I don’t mean simply saying “I’m sorry”. I mean saying that you are sorry (sincerely), explaining why you did what you did, and commit to not doing it again. If you demonstrate your willingness to take responsibility for your actions and then listen to his response/asking him if there is anything you can do to… Read more »
Ralphie
Ralphie
2 years 5 months ago

Learn from this and move on. If he changes his mind and contacts you, maybe you can mend the situation and pick up the pieces. I wouldn’t count on it.

Lily
Lily
2 years 5 months ago
He is probably right when he says you are stressing out. Maybe you’ve reached a point in your life where your personal issues collide with your social life/dating in a way that causes you to finally freak out. It happens. Later on, you will be thankful for the moment you turned into a yeller – You’ve realized your problem in practice, now get to exploring the theory behind it. What is the shit you are projecting onto this guy? Obviously, it takes two to tango so it may be a classic personality clash but since you mention your own issues… Read more »
CoCo
CoCo
2 years 5 months ago

Good for him for steering clear of you! It certainly sounds like you need time alone to work on your issues. You say you “love the guy”, but your way of showing love is pretty dysfunctional. No one likes being treated the way you treated him. If this is your normal way of behaving in a relationship, I’d suggest you stay single and maybe talk to a therapist.

Johnny
Johnny
2 years 5 months ago

Sent him a contrite text. Tell him you’re sorry you yelled, and you know you shouldn’t have done that. Hopefully he’ll accept it.

Then make sure you don’t do it again. You said you yelled. Was this in public? If it was, you reeeeaaally need to quit doing that. I’ll fight about whatever my lady wants to behind closed doors, but I’d react the same way your guy did if she tried it in public.

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