Your Call: I’ve Been Faking Orgasms with BF for Years

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I love him more then anything, we really connect. We have had a lot of sex, but I have a confession: I’ve never hit the high note. I fibbed telling him I did and now it;s gone on way too long to spill that I have never gotten off. I have tried all sorts of tricks that I have read in Cosmo but nothing works. I have come close but then it always goes away.

Don’t get me wrong, it does feel good, but he’s the only guy I have ever been with, so I have nothing to compare it to. I get him to do the things I like, and still no orgasm. Even when I do it myself, I don’t get off. I’ve never had a orgasm in my life. I want to try a vibrator, because I think that might do the trick.

— Pants on Fire in All the Wrong Ways

What should Pants do?

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11 Comments on "Your Call: I’ve Been Faking Orgasms with BF for Years"

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4 years 8 months ago

Here’s the thing- Orgasm is a word that is incompatible with the concept of “should”…
You have this idea of what an orgasm should be like. And the fabulous thing (which can also be the frustrating thing) is that the more you grab for the “right” sensation, the more elusive it will be.
Just slow down and enjoy what you DO feel. Keep paying attention the the enjoyment you get and the sensations in your pussy.

4 years 8 months ago

i think that not telling your boyfriend is hurting you the most in this situation.
us as men have overly large ego`s..but if a man truly cares about his women , he will do anything to make sure that you have an enjoyable sexual experience.
i`ve read many articles on sex, many stated that in order to achieve an orgasm you need some kind of mental stimulation aswell as physical.
along with dildo`s and toys try to understand your body more, what makes you tick and what doesn`t.
in order for a partnership to be successful it is essential to have good communication on all aspects not just some things..
lastly, i would stongly advise you talking to your bf about it.because if he loves you he will put his best foot forward in pleasing you.

4 years 9 months ago

I think it’ll make him feel less bad about it, when you do tell him, if you make it clear you’ve NEVER had an orgasm. That way, he knows it really, really isn’t about anything he’s doing “wrong,” just that you have a harder time getting there than some do. Also, make it clear that what he DOES do feels good!!

I *thought* I hadn’t ever had an orgasm for a long time, because my experience of it is a little different from how I was interpreting what it said in the magazines. Eventually, I had a really intense orgasm for the first time (during penetrative sex, btw), and realized after many more both on my own and with partners that I had been having some orgasms all along… they just can vary in intensity. Maybe I’m weird, but that was my experience.

Vibrators don’t do it for me. It’s in large part about mental/emotional state for me, and the buzzing ruins it. But lots of women like them, so worth a shot!

4 years 9 months ago

Now in my mid forties I don’t get off as easily as before. When I was in my teens and twenties I could get off three or four times in a night with girls I loved. Now, some nights I don’t get off at all and my wife wonders why after all she is beautiful and oriental. She blames it on porn and masturbation. Not admitting to anything, however, they are both wonderful, especially together.

I have had girlfriends in the past that enjoyed that too, and we could do them together and sometimes finish together, but my wife is not comfortable with it. Watching hot movies and masturbating is something she was simply taught not to do by, whoever? She says she has orgasms when I do and doesn’t when I don’t.

I think you should buy a vib even better a dil since men do not naturally vibrate down there. Join an adult bookstore and bring a couple of movies home once every week or two if he likes porn, which most men do, and masturbate together as well as doing each other sometimes during your movie night. Later as you two get to know each other this way better you can go to the adult store and select material together. This will help bring you two insync with each other and when he is at work or away, get out the movie and enjoy it alone prolonging your orgasms as long as possible, soon, they will come naturally. And of course, don’t really tell him why, just say that you have a secret porn fetish and you want to share it with him. It will work like majick. Good Luck

4 years 9 months ago

Vibrator vibrator vibrator.
As the other ladies have said, it will allow you to pinpoint what that feeling is and then work towards that when you’re with your boyfriend.