Your Call: My Boyfriend Won’t Put in Any Effort

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. We seem to be getting a lot of bad boyfriend letters lately — maybe these women just need to hear your Greek Chorus in order to do what needs to be done. Say it in unison in the comments section below. 

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months and I confronted him about him not putting any effort into hanging out or spending time with me. I live 45 mins away, and I’m the only one who drives for us to hang out. He said that he wants to see me more, that once a week is not enough, and that he wants me to challenge him because if I don’t he will walk all over me. What does this mean and what do I do?

— Driving Me Insane

What should DMI do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.




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7 Comments on "Your Call: My Boyfriend Won’t Put in Any Effort"

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1 year 10 months ago

I’ve always wanted my girlfriends to challenge me. But by challenging me, I wanted them to help me to be better at the things I actually did, not as an excuse to be a lazy bum.

I echo what others say, challenge him by telling him he needs to come to you. If he doesn’t, there are plenty of other great guys out there that would be happy to come to you.

2 years 8 days ago

“He wants me to challenge him because if I don’t he will walk all over me” – if he’s serious, break up with him. Spend some time looking at why you put up with this for 7 months. And then find a new boyfriend who treats you like a partner and best friend. Life is far too short to put up with these kind of incredibly destructive psychological games.

Between his comments and lack of effort, I suspect that your boyfriend needs insight, motivation, and therapy. That’s his job, not yours.

As a partner, I believe we should walk WITH our loved ones down the paths of our lives, but we cannot and should not try to walk those paths FOR them.

2 years 8 days ago

Yeah, the “challenge me or I’ll walk all over you” comment is a huge red flag – he has announced that he intends to treat you as badly as you will put up with. I think you should evaluate why you are still with this guy. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much out of the relationship, other than the idea of having a boyfriend. If that’s the case, it’s time to cut this one loose.

2 years 8 days ago

He’ll walk all over you if you don’t fulfill his bizarre conditions? He’s announced his intentions to be shitty to you. Do you really need advice on this one?

2 years 8 days ago

That’s easy. Challenge him. Make him travel to you. Make him put in the effort. If not, move on.