My Husband Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Hi, I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). I have to say first that I enjoy/love pleasing him, I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is.

He wants sex right away, no foreplay what so ever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I dont understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.

After having sex yesterday he climaxed and layed down while I just layed there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said well gosh you just feel so good! (so pretty much I made him climax fast so I get punished by not climaxing myself) and turned the other way and the snoring started.

So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed. I feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me,  I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.

I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. I want to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally, I dont get it: after 8 years I can count the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said this is about you tonight and made me orgasm several times. I kind of feel bad for myself, but then again did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long? I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be. It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home that is afraid to just make me climax! I mean is it really that hard?

— Frustrated & Forlorn

What should F&F do? Let her know in the comments below.




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97 Comments on "My Husband Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm"

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4 days 23 hours ago

I recently broke up with a boyfriend whose behavior was just like what is described in the article. In the 2 years we were together, he only went down on me twice after I basically begged him to, and I didn’t come because he didn’t know what what the hell he was doing. I had even sent him web links with tips on how to go down on a woman, but I could tell he never bothered reading them. Sex generally consisted of him lying there and waiting for me to start caressing, kissing, and going down on him. I always had to take the initiative, but he would enjoy all the pleasure and I would get nothing. He would come, roll over, didn’t want to cuddle, and didn’t even want me to touch him as he was falling asleep. He also seemed to have no interest in foreplay. I tried every time to take things slowly and build up to them, but he seemed to have no interest and always wanted to “cut to the chase”. And he was a terrible kisser, basically shoving his tongue in my mouth in an unpleasant way. I would tell him little things that I specifically liked (e.g. kissing my neck), but he never did these things on his own unless I specifically asked him to. I would basically have to beg him to pleasure me, which felt absolutely humiliating. He would even blame things on me sometimes, saying after coming that I should have “forced him” to pleasure me, or that I shouldn’t have made him come so fast, or something similar.

I eventually realized that his sexual selfishness was just one of many symptoms of his extreme emotional problems. He is a cold, repressed person with extremely low empathy, incapable of maintaining long-term relationships, or of truly bonding with others. He is also emotionally abusive and controlling, and this was most obvious when he was drinking. It was hard to eventually realize that I wasn’t really a “person” to him, I was more of an object that he could play with when he felt like it. When I broke up with him, his lashing out confirmed this, as he got very angry and said things that made it clear he had no respect for me or my feelings. If any woman out there is dealing with a man who acts selfishly in bed, it could be a sign of serious mental and emotional problems on her partner’s part. Beware of men with no friends, who are emotionally cold, secretive, and selfish! Stay far away, and do not put up with their emotional abuse – the sexual neglect could just be one red flag of many to watch out for.

18 days 4 hours ago

Break it off. Find a man that cares just as much about your sexual pleasure as his own. That’s extemely selfish and I wouldn’t tolerate it

29 days 13 hours ago

If there’s one difference I’ve noticed between the experience of unfucked male/female partners, it’s this:

Women report that their lazy, selfish male partners use them as human masturbatory aids, like a Realdoll. Men report that their lazy, selfish female partners stop having sex with them altogether, except when she occasionally lies there and assumes the role of Realdoll just to shut him up about it.

29 days 13 hours ago

This topic clearly resonates with a lot of people. Not to be a downer here, but I’ve gotta say, I’ve never seen a relationship recover from this.

Admittedly I talk to men about this more than women, but this seems like one where who’s a man and who’s a woman doesn’t matter. The problem is the same: one partner is sexually lazy and selfish, and the other is frustrated and unfulfilled.

I suppose every couple has sexual peaks and valleys, rallies and slumps, etc. But when sex comes to a grinding halt and stays that way, with no end to the drought in sight, it’s generally over based on all I’ve seen and heard.

There’s a common theme in all these comments: “I’ve talked to him and voiced my concerns and nothing’s changed.”

The best options are leaving if you can’t bear it, or opening the relationship if you want to stay with the same partner. A lot of people choose to cheat, and while that’s absolutely the most exciting, satisfying, vindicating option, it can lead to huge problems. You wouldn’t believe how possessive someone who HASN’T GIVEN A SHIT ABOUT YOU SEXUALLY IN TWO YEARS can get if you “cheat.”

29 days 16 hours ago

Been having the same problem for quite a while. I’ve tried to tell him a couple of times. and he did make more of an effort for the following few times we had sex and things went back to how they were before.It’s really frustrating because I love him and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by raising this issue again and making him feel bad/inadequate. At the same time,I don’t understand how he can be so selfish to me and my needs. Started thinking that maybe he is insecure to be a bad lover so he gives up trying to make me cum altogether?