6/22/17
My Husband, a Selfish Lover, Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!

I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.

He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.

After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.

What Should I Do?

So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me,  I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.

Woman with a selfish lover ends up alone.

I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.

Is This My Fault?

I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.

It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?

— Frustrated & Forlorn

What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.

 

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 This post has been updated.

192 Comments

  1. He sounds like an utter creep. Leave him, or if you can’t, get great sex from some of those hot men who are giving you the eye. Get it wherever and whenever you can and don’t look back. You deserve better.

  2. LEAVE that selfish narcissistic abusive piece of shit. And if you won’t leave please for the love of god at least get what you NEED elsewhere and do not feel bad about it, if the situation was reversed he’d do it to you in a heartbeat. Trust me, I speak from experience.

  3. Im officially triggered: I’m sorry but a lot of you women on here sound really pathetic. I say this because you only get one life and your men are only doing things that you allow. Closing up shop your snatch or withholding sex is retarded. You all need to accept that’s once your partner stops caring about your pleasure, your satisfaction that’s also a sign about the level of care he as about you. A lot of your men are running over your feeling and you’re staying with them so why should he change, he knows you aren’t going anywhere. He knows he’s going to be married to you and your a pleasure whole with emotions he doesn’t have to acknowledge because you aren’t willing to demand your own happiness or leave the toxic situation and that is your own fault. You’re going to keep being a pleasure whole for the rest of your marriage and you’re going to keep blogging like this for the rest of your life because you care more about your selfish husbands then having a backbone and you can’t be without a husband. A husband does not guarantee happiness or life fulfillment. You all will resent your husbands over time but Moreno then that you will resent yourself for being foolish and thinking maybe he will change. If he won’t even change for his wife then that should be a clear sign the relationship isn’t lost. Why should he make any effort when you don’t even love yourselves enough to ensure your own happiness and demand it and take the actions in order to secure that happiness. I’ve never been without a man who couldn’t get me off or didn’t enjoy going down a woman because I know how important sex is in a relationship. Your sex life is important for your health and some of you will probably die earlier in your life because of unhealthy sexual relationships, think about the physical and emotional disappointment and how that can mess with you right mind and health. If your partner isn’t willing to get counseling either then he/she honestly has stopped working on the marriage they know they have a problem and aren’t willing to get help. Lastly I am being harsh on purpose, if you’re mad or angry good, you should be and getting in with your life instead of wasting it not getting everything’s you deserve. You are in control of your destiny and can manifest great things into your path but it starts with you not being timid or asking the universe but demanding your happiness, your dreams an Drew getting out of your shitty situations instead of watching it fall apart. Trust me you can find someone better.

  4. I know exactly how you feel my EX husband was LOUSY in bed! We were married 21 years and yes he did go down on me if I asked but he just didn’t have the experience! I got to the point where intercourse was just a CHORE so I gave him good BJs instead as he enjoyed that! It got to the point I started just finishing myself off and finally after 5 long years of literally zero mental foreplay we divorced! He was cheating on me repeatedly and then finally confessed not even any protection! I have moved on!

  5. My husband and I have only been married for 5 months and we barely have sex anymore. He blames it on the fact that I’ll be on my period for a week or that he doesn’t feel good. When I say something and we have sex it doesn’t feel the same, I know he’s only doing it because I said something, I don’t want it to be like that. My last relationship I had a great sex partner, always made sure I was taken care of, he was a piece of shit but always made sure my sexual needs were taken care of, I just wish my husband now would do the same. I even asked if he would use a vibrator on me and he just refuses.. I hate that I have to get myself off just to feel good. He’ll give me oral every now and then, and I don’t get anything from it and haven’t felt the same so I haven’t given him oral in a while either, it doesn’t seem to phase him? It’s like he doesn’t care about sex and I need it! I’m not an addict but I want to feel loved and touched by him. Just wish he would understand that…

  6. I always give my wife her orgasm first. She loves for me to give her oral while massaging her g spot. Explain to your husband that you are needing someone who will take the time to explore your body and please you. Tell him how it makes you feel to have to please yourself. Hopefully he will understand how important this is to you. If not, you may have to explore other options. Good luck!

    1. For some men Michael they just don’t care about their wife or partner getting off I even tried date nights and he just didn’t want to take the time or energy to seduce me it was all about him! I even tried to get counseling through a sex therapist but he refused! He I think some people are just SELFISH and don’t care about others!

  7. I’m 58 my wife is 56,I please her orally till she she reaches orgasm with or without toys.20years married.i can even make her squirt but she hates it,first woman ever.sorry he is so selfish,but your only here once so make your decision on your future soon.good luck I don’t think he will change but don’t let yourself suffer

  8. I’ve read many of your comments and just like you all, I fall into the same category. But, how do we as women change this? The one man I only want to please me, my husband, 7 out of 10 times will organism and then maybe once every blue moon, try to help me achieve mine…as he’s trying not to fall asleep. It’s so frustrating. I can’t even put it into words how it makes me feel. A side of me just wants to stop making love to him because it’s hard to express such things like this to a man without hurting his ego. Sadly to say, and one who has never really dabbled into porn, finds myself satisfying my needs that route just because I know the outcome of our intimacy. And I actually hate myself more after I do satisfy myself that way. I feel ashamed. Why do men just not care??? I really don’t get it?? Especially when the wives do all they can to make sure their men are satisfied. Lord, this is very hard. Any helpful advice. I know many of you may be able to orgasm through a man going down on you but I need stimulation. Even if he don’t last long, I need him to want to satisfy me too. 🙁

  9. This is my life. For years it was awful. Invested in some toys and he was happy for a few times, now it is the same. He goes to sleep and I’m awake for the night. Many nights I end up just crying because of how it all went down. I have told him how I feel and he will make a passive remark back.

  10. Good luck. Married 25 years. Husband stopped caring after my first child came . No foreplay and no clitoral stimulation. Got upset and tried to tell him. ….Same result as op , that he tried the next two times half heartedly. Told him a second time & then it was like I was forcing him to do something he could care less about being bothered with. Got angry and demanded that I be included and not left frustrated. Was told … Not my problem, figure it out for yourself.

  11. I’ve read so many of these comments it’s scary, I too am in the same position married 6 years together 8. I didn’t know men can be so uninterested in good sex. I thought they all went crazy for a woman who wants to be naked around them and experiment. It’s like my husband has no clue what’s happening if I even give him great foreplay. He couldn’t care less how good I blow him (and we know there are good and bad bj’s) as long as that 20 seconds where he comes happens the rest doesn’t matter. My husband does try but I have to instruct every last movement. It’s not the same, I would literally have to tell him “lick it 3 times/maybe use a finger/ try touching my boob now!” I feel like I’m doing it with a robot. And when I talked to him about me not orgasiming in years I was made to feel bad. He even had me blaming myself and excusing him, blaming my libido, and I only didnt want it because it was so bad, and made me feel unattractive and used. Now we rarely have sex, it’s the worst as I’m in my sexual prime. He doesn’t seem to care, and I can fob him off with a hand job (that’s how little he cares). I hate that i have a non existant sex life now, but I havent cried afterwards because I felt disgusting. I even questioned if he was gay, because sex was so much like a fancy wank for him. When I explained why he still didn’t get how bad it made me feel.

  12. My husband of almost 2 years does the same thing. I don’t know if I’d call it selfish, I have a good time when we are having sex but then he’s done and I’m still wanting more. Not every time but enough. When I finally got up the courage to insist that we do it again, he seemed hurt. Then got defensive when I insisted. He genuinely seemed sorry he couldn’t do it again no matter how much I tried to turn him back on… when he’s done, he’s totally done for the night. I don’t know. Is that normal? Should I get upset he can’t go another time? And yes we do a little foreplay but honestly we both are impatient to get to the really good part.

    I’m thinking about getting a vibrator to use when he is just not in the mood….but should I use it after sex too? Now I know my pleasure is important too and ya dada… but I just don’t want to hurt his feelings! I mean I obviously love him.

    1. You worry of his feelings. Same here I worry more of my husband feeling more than my own, in turn I end up frustrated and still not getting my needs met. Married 18 years and the length of sex has gotten way better but even with me telling him what I like and dont & how to do it and literally trying to show him how I do please myself. There is no interest in him ensuring I am happy in the end. It is him getting off that matters most to him. He made a remark to me few nights ago that he was gonna with hold from me and make me wait if I didnt do a BJ, which fazed me none, and he promised to get me off. I have heard that before. Still I tried it and he got his and went to sleep. SO last night he wanted it all to play out the same way. I plainly said I am getting mine first. I wanted no penetration till I got off then I would do what he wanted and needed from me. He started & 2 minutes later he was a asleep. It is lack of their interest cause it isnt them getting off right when they want it. I am not a fling. . And they are gonna continue unless ladies start demanding to get there needs met as well. They are hurting us when rejecting us this way. I hate hurting another but if after all that time he still isnt caring enough then It is time to think about our own needs alittle more. After all he can go buy a sex toy to. Loving and caring not selfishness in marriage.

  13. Wow , that sounds like my ex husband. We’d been together for around ten years.
    I’m very happy we broke up ( he wasn’t just selfish in bed). My sexlife is so much better now. My current boyfriend makes sure I come multiple times , squirt and have the time of my life. I would never settle for anything less than I deserve, again. A partnership is also about satisfying certain needs. Especially when it comes to sex.

  14. This is my life.
    I’ve got to the point where when I think about this too long I could cry. I love my boyfriend and he’s perfect in every way but that.
    I’ve told him a million times but he gives me the puppy dog eyes and I feel guilty and he then makes a massive thing of trying and it being such hard work that then no matter what he does I can’t come anyway cos I feel repulsive because I feel like he’s made a massive thing about having to touch me!
    We used to have amazing sex, like we had amazing sex for years! He did all sorts, we always experimented but then it just died!
    I haven’t given him oral for about 2 years now cos I told him I wouldn’t until he did and he just shrugs it off! Every so often he begs me to but I tell him I don’t see why I should if he won’t cos guess what I don’t like it either
    I’ve decided I’m going on a sex ban now cos wtf is the point in me having sex to finish feeling frustrated, angry and upset when that selfish guy gets to feel relieved and roll over to sleep all happy and content!

    1. This is the state me and my partner have gotten to. I really don’t know what to do and feel like it is just going to end up with us both having affairs which I don’t want to happen since we have a family together.

  15. Married 21 years. There were a couple of years when vaginal intercourse was excruciatingly painful, even as much as unprepared anal. Even with a whole bottle of lube. Never mind that my husband never really puts any time or effort into foreplay to help me become aroused. He just makes a vague, half-hearted show of it. Really, it’s just his way of nonverbally asking for sex. Anyway, during times when I’m having vaginal pain, he’ll still continue until he orgasms. To be fair I don’t tell him to stop, I just wince and try to scoot away (try to suppress that), but he knows he’s hurting me. I would think that it would be a turnoff, hurting someone you love, yet he continues till he orgasms. I just end up really sore and sticky, while he goes to sleep happily. I avoid sex during those times as long as possible until he throws a small tantrum. But when sex isn’t painful, he still puts no effort into foreplay, other than to just go straight to shoving his hand between my legs, clumsily and “pushing the button”, which I’ve told him doesn’t do anything for me (at first lovingly, e.g. “It really feels best when you do this,….”). Or, he just gives me a few quick rubs down my back, no kisses, no caresses, he just dives down for oral where he seems to just go through whatever desperate motions he thinks will work for a couple of minutes. Then it’s on to his turn, climb on, finish, and snoring. Or, sometimes after he finishes, tries to seem like he cares and will magnanimously say “why don’t I just lie right here with you while you touch yourself”. As if by lying and snoring in my ear beside me, he’s still involved in our intimate act, like a caring, sensitive lover. With a flaccid penis. Usually though, if he’s done, he thinks I’m done, and he loves to ask me the next morning (if the sex was at night) with full, wink wink, innuendo, “I don’t know about you, but I slept great last night!” or “Sooooo, how did YOU sleep last night?” even though he knows I didn’t orgasm. I know he’s not so ignorant as to think that just because we had sex, I must have slept with the same depth of satisfaction he did when I didn’t cum. How very insulted and patronized I’ve felt all these years. Or used, like a blow up doll. I’m in menopause, and now sex is painful often. I’ve drawn the line. I’ve had it. I told him that the only time we have intercourse (or he gets any kind of sex from me) is if I have had an orgasm first, and if I don’t have an orgasm, we go no farther. If I have an orgasm, AND I’m not too sleepy to continue and have penetrative sex, I’ll let him know. Otherwise, I’ve told him that after I orgasm and don’t want to have intercourse, if it makes him feel special, I can lay beside him and go to sleep while he touches himself.

    1. Love your post. Ladies needs dont seem to matter till we put our needs first at some point. I hate to say I want mine first every time but even if I am tired I have no issue making sure he gets his orgasm and he is fully satisfied. I am just tired of feeling frustrated and unwanted. If he has no interest in satisfying my needs then i can take care of my needs on my own and he can do the same. We went through a 1.5 year span where I wanted no sex what so ever, no desire. But I was not getting any release from it so therefore I had no reason to go through the act just to stress myself even more while he went to sleep and had gotten he needs met. During this 1.5 years he was constantly at me , touching, kissing, trying to touch me how i wanted to be touched. To the point I got no sleep at all. I was constantly drained cause I wasnt allowed to sleep either cause he wanted sex. I guess after so much time of lacking sleep I would just pass out and sleep through anything to which he says we had sex during the night but I didnt wake for any of it. I love the sex but I dont get off from penetration alone. and Men apparently think if they penetrate us we should get off just as fast and easy as they do. I am so close to just calling it quits again, unless he is willing to actually listen and put in the effort to satisfy my as well.

    2. This could be me writing this. You’ll probably find he has a porn habit and thinks porn is how the sex act is really done.

  16. Sounds exactly like my story. Only difference not even the sex is staisfying. Cause it hurts, because I’m never ready for him to enter. Obviously … Unless I do oral on him and he climaxes. That turns me on as well. But well then it’s too late. He will turn around and think I’m satisfied …. Hmmm

  17. Communication is the key. Talk to him about this over a nice meal and choose a day when he’s receptive of your honest thoughts.

    1. I tried that with my husband and every time I talk to him, he’ll do it maybe once or twice, but like she said..he just goes right back to being selfish. Then he somehow manages to make you look like the bad guy by saying “I’ve been trying!” Or “I’ve been stressed”.

      1. My husband said he would get the hair zapped for me so I wouldnt have to shave. Made him buy me a coach bag because it will get more use, lol.

    2. I know this is well meant, but I haven’t ever read or heard or experienced this EVER working. And if we are going to talk to a man about it, waiting for the “right time” is sort of BS because they’re hurting us by withholding their orgasm giving abilities yet we are expected to tiptoe around their little feelings pertaining to sex. Rant over.

      1. If a man’s gotten to the point in his adult life where he enjoys sex with his spouse but refuses to put in effort to make sure his partner is enjoying it too, there’s probably some deep-seated shit there that won’t easily be undone (e.g. selfishness and bad attitudes — perhaps religiously ingrained and/or fueled by sexism or a mama who didn’t love him enough — about women not wanting or liking sex and being “whores” if they do). But people can change and the best place to start is with regular, honest (but gentle) communication. It might not always work, but trying to talk it through is better than just throwing your hands up and accepting a zero-orgasm marriage.

        1. We’re in counseling. Though he’s told our therapist who asked, that he’s “willing” to try to provide me a more loving and satisfying sex life, he’s shown almost no initiative. I won’t beg, I won’t rant, I won’t demand, and I won’t give him a play by play. He shouldn’t be “willing” to TRY to improve my end of our sex life. He should WANT to do it. I don’t want obligatorily offered oral or foreplay. Who can become aroused and/or have an orgasm knowing their lover is just putting in the time, counting the minutes they think are an acceptable amount required, sighing with resign, or pausing looking up to see if I’m willing yet to let him get on to the fun part for him. NO, not only can I not get aroused, but I don’t want that. At all. The new “willingness” has been humiliating to me. He’s never, not once, had erectile dysfunction. Never. He’s 57, but has the libido and erections of a 20 yr. old. When sex has spontaneously initiated, his penis springs to life. Then he knows his cue it to try to get me aroused by giving me pleasure and his rock-like erection immediately disappears. It’s almost looked like someone let the air out of it a couple of times. When i gave up, knowing arousal and certainly orgasm aren’t going to happen given his grudging physical motions, I just signal him to stop. He knows it’s his turn since he jumped through the hoop, and again, I’ve watched his penis literally spring back to life like a dog’s ears perking up at the smell of a hotdog. Physical proof of what a turn-off and “waste” of his time it is trying to satisfy me. I don’t want the lousy fucking bone he’s “willing” to throw me. We’ve been in therapy for the last 7+ months since I wrote. Not sure how things will work out, at times I’m optimistic that we’ll grow old(er) together because he’s a good person in general and for some reason, I still love him. At times, I think I’m ready to leave.

          1. We can appreciate how frustrating it is when you have a partner who doesn’t make you feel the way you want to feel. But we’re wondering if this is a situation of the perfect being the enemy of the good. It seems like he’s at least making an effort to change: he’s going to therapy, he says he’s willing to make sex better for you, he’s giving you more foreplay and oral. These are all good things! Is his execution your idea of ideal? No. But he’s trying. And we don’t think you should judge him, a 57 year old, so harshly for going limp when he’s servicing you — this is totally normal when direct stimulation ceases, and it’s not necessarily an indication that he’s not happy to go down on you. Rather than getting so annoyed with him for failing to be perfect in bed, can you appreciate his efforts and gently encourage him to get closer to where you want him to be (i.e. not sighing with resign, which admittedly sucks).

  18. You are NOT alone. I’ve been with my husband 9 years, married 8. I’ve NEVER had an orgasm. Not even close. There’s never any foreplay. He gets on top, then he’s done. I’m left laying there dissatisfied. I’ve talked to him several times as well, and he just blows me off. He acts as if it’s all good. I love my hubs, but I’m over waiting for a satisfying sex life. I’m ready to just close up “shop” and deny him the benefit of sex. He’s not a cheater, so I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not going to cheat on him…..

    1. You sound just like me…why do men have to be selfish and lazy like this? I swear my husband just don’t THINK about it. Its like he’s oblivious to his actions. And it’s not just the sex. He’s so immature and irresponsible.

  19. I’m dealing with the same same thing. I’ve had very fulfilling sexual relationships in the past, but my current lover (who claims to have pleased over 100 women) doesn’t even try to satisfy me. I’ve tried (and tried and tried until I feel like a broken record) telling him what my hot buttons are. He’s told me that he’s okay with masturbating to please himself until I can come the way he wants me to (basically, through penetration only). He claims I’m “throwing it in his face” when I explain to him that I always please him to complete satisfaction. He’s my best friend, but his sexual let-downs and threats to leave me over trying to fix it are ruining our relationship. And he’s a cheater. I’ve already caught him getting naked pics from other women and asking to meet with them.

    1. In my humble opinion, if your husband has cheated on you, I think it might not be a good idea to continue to be with him. Or otherwise, you could’ve found another man to satisfy your sexual needs, and continue to be with him if you prefer, but then this relationship wouldn’t be any good if each partner is cheating on each other and don’t communicate well about sex.

    2. I’ve been trying to spice things up lately by dressing up for him and doing new stuff for him and basically putting on a “slut” or “seductrice” act and he does enjoy it and thanks me, but do I get anything back? No. And then when I say something about it, either all of a sudden he wants to do it for me then when I’m pissed and then gets mad when I say no, or he claims that he was going to last night, but it was MY fault he didn’t. It drives me crazy. And I’ve been fighting flirting. I’m not a cheater. But I have been getting 25-35 friend requests a DAY of mostly guys who think I’m hot and want to have sex with me or try a relationship with me and then I have to tell them no even though I want to so bad cause my husband doesn’t please me and he’s all around a child.

  20. Ugh!!! I have this same problem!!! My husband and I have been together 4 years married quickly had children and even when we get alone time and Nana takes the children for the weekend he is all about me pleasuring him and I don’t mind that because I love doing it but he doesn’t reciprocate the same pleasuring back he just jumps on me and granted, the sex is great but once he’s done “I’m supposed to be done too” … I don’t know how to approach this without shooting his ego to the ground or making him feel inadequate… Help…

  21. My husband and I have been married almost 12 yrs. We were 18 and19 and had kids immediately. We have five altogether now. Over the years we’ve had good sex, and not so good sex. But a lot plays into why I’ve been so unsatisfied this entire marriage. The first seven years he was very controlling, very possessive and would accuse me of cheating daily. He also abused me emotionally and even physically. We worked thru those horrible years and he’s better now, except he’s still a bit selfish in bed and I’m still not confident enough to speak to him about what I need. I want him to give me oral so I orgasm multiple times, but after he gets me the first, he thinks it’s enough and he assumes the position for sex and gets off and then goes out to smoke and then it’s time to sleep. Sometimes when he only “allows” me one or two orgasms orally, we’ll have sex and I’ll masturbate myself to get my multiple orgasms that way, but I am still extremely unsatisfied because I enjoy oral sex better than penetrative sex. I also want him to take his time. Why do men rush things? All we women want is for our men to make us feel like our pleasure is important to them and that they want to spend hours pleasuring us because we’re worth it. Right now I feel unloved. I feel like his sex toy. I feel unattractive and unworthy of more than just a few hurried moments of pleasure. It hurts me to the core. Which does so much damage to my self esteem and confidence. I wish I were brave enough to tell him. But years of abuse have made me keep everything to myself. I just wish things will get better…..I turn 30 next month , this is NOT how I envisioned my sex life at this stage of life. BTW, porn ruins relationships. Men who watch it are made to think women’s needs are secondary. And men aren’t taught how to love a woman instead of objectify her. I really feel for you all in the same boat as me. It’s truly painful.

  22. My boyfriend is the same way. He expects oral sex every time we’re together, but he never cares about making me feel good. He acts like it’s no big deal and it’s really frustrating. I want to be pleasured just like he does!

  23. My wife does not like me going down on her she says it’s unnatural. I love going down on women. It turns me on so much. Something is wrong with your husband not you.

    1. Ask your men about pornography. After not watching porn i feel much better about satisfying my significant other.

      I apoligize for mankind. It is very hard to not just sleep after an orgasm.

  24. Grateful is nothing compare to how i feel as my marriage has been totally restored, Dr. Alfred was indeed a God sent to me in time of my greatest fear, don’t know how i could have save my marriage if not for Dr. Alfred. Things went well exactly as he promised and i am glad i listen to him. Any one here going through marriage problem should contact Dr. Alfred on his email alfredhealinghome (at) gmail.com for help.

  25. I stumbled upon this by accident. My problem is that my husband is always too focused on getting me off that he becomes superman and can’t climaax, himself. However, that does not mean that we always have sex in the same positions that get me off. My advice would be to get yourself a clitorous stimulator that makes vibrations. If he gets of before you, continue on without him. You can also use it during sex. The problem that I see is that he is too selfish and that alone is not good on the marriage. You can also use the stimulator to punish him, so to speak. Use it without him, hell, infront of him. Maybe even let him know you prefer the toy over a quicky with him…maybe that will get a serious conversation rolling. Good luck!

  26. Hi there. I’m in a similar sort of situation.
    I have been with my partner just short of five years, we do have a great sex life there’s no denying that but there always feels like there’s something missing.
    He always recieves some sort of pleasure, be that oral or a hand job before sex is actually fully initiated. But when it comes to myself, I’m just left there to grab the lube and put it on him. He’s explained before that he doesnt enjoy oral, which is absolutely fine! But there’s no touching involved, I have a selection of vibrators and various toys that he could use on me and I have asked him to but the response is always the same “not tonight babe” “I can’t be bothered” “it takes ages to make you cum”.
    All pretty disheartening responses, right?
    I can’t help but think that there’s a specific reason why he doesn’t want to touch me. I have a very high sex drive, I buy toys and outfits to keep the spark there but everything’s always about him and I just don’t know what to do. When he does finish, the sex finishes; he then usually rolls over and goes to sleep and I’m left to finish myself off (if my self esteem hasn’t been damaged too much).
    I’ve just had enough now, sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it would be nice to feel at least wanted once in a while, right?

      1. This is sooooo my relationship. I love him but he goes straight for the boobs or vagina. I don’t get affection before at all. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t wanted to have sex in 2 months. We have been married for 10 years.

  27. Don’t let him put it in until he’s satisfied you first. The wait will drive him crazy and the sex will be better and you get your pay off.

  28. Oh my….same with me.My husband Muslim as well.First year all was fine but I felt he doesn’t care much to give me oral sex but was quite active. ..meantime he became more religious and we r on that stage when no any oral sex (I’m not allowed to do that either)no hand job…years was in arguing about sex…I got the answer -I should have orgasm by intercourse no other ways.Simply that. …I read about muslims some group say oral sex not allowed. ..some say yes…how pity my husband belonging to the wrong group.I’m really fed up to satisfied myself for years. ..but I know he won’t change. …I tried to communicate but he absolutely doesn’t care what I want.really fustrated to live so I can’t sleep but I don’t want to talk to him because I know his reaction already. ..I never expect that he will treat me so badly. I have to say he doesn’t know what love is. ..how these idiots find out about sex ….He told me the problem is with me …. 🙂 now I can think what’s wrong with me but ….nothing .
    I love him but surely I won’t stay in this.
    I thought we r just few regarding our neglect but I seen the comments. …
    What the hell with men????
    Sad ending ahead.

  29. Im in the same boat but the other way around.. Despite when we do have sex we both climax.. Sometimes she is wanting more.. But when I make her skirm to the climax.. I have to stop. Because she feels socks. Can’t handle anymore.. I’m not an animal at least I don’t think I am.. But if she climaxed many times the least she could do is make sure I can sleep soundly without having the doubt she could of done more ..

  30. This guy I am seeing is really affectionate, loves cuddling and is a great kisser but he won’t even try and make me come. He’s gone down on me once (didn’t come) and I can’t count how many times I’ve given him head. The other night I gave him head he came and nothing for me. Next morning I gave him head again to try and get some but nope, nothing. He came and then got up and left me there craving more. So I finished myself off. I was not impressed with this behaviour as my ex would always make me come first then himself… I don’t know whether this is because it’s a new relationship or what but I’m kind of getting really uninterested in him really quickly. I’d rather be single than have a guy who has no interest in making me come. I am 24 and he’s younger..

    1. Uau, I had no idea so many women had this problem, I’m sort of on the same boat, and this is new to me, as with previous relationships I didnt have that issue at all.
      Sex is good, but the only pleasure that matters is his. This is really frustrating, and because of that I dont even want to finish myself off. We have been together for a year, and this is been like that since the beginning. I dont know what to do.

    2. Guys who dont care just dont care. My husband will go down on me about twice a year now. It used to be every 16 to 24 months. The last time he had a big smile on his face and told me he was going to do me a favor. Worst thing to say to a woman you neglect. I dont need any fuck*ng favors. What, am I supposed to kiss your pinky ring afterward ?

  31. I have been married for over 20 years and I now have the man of my dreams. It wasn’t always like that though. We had a great relationship and good sex, but he could be selfish at times. In the early years, if I said something to him about him not satisfying me, he would turn it around and make me feel like the selfish one. I finally got wise and realized we had a communication problem. I was determined to have him see it my way. It just wasn’t right that I was always concerned with pleasing him, but he wasn’t always concerned with pleasing me. For a few years we had many discussions, arguments and even a few blow-ups. This might sound extreme, but it broke down the wall. He needed to see that it wasn’t just the lack of satisfaction that was affecting me, but it was the fact that he didn’t seem to care. It was just as much about my feelings as it was about the sex. Well, I finally got through to him. We have the most open and honest communication now. It has strengthened our intimacy one thousand times over. He always tries to satisfy me now. In fact, he’s not satisfied until I’m satisfied. If you want a relationship like this you MUST open those lines of communication. It’s painful at first, but the reward is worth it.

    1. Since you’ve done this successfully, what specific tips would you give to people who want to communicate like this? For instance, when & where do you have the talk(s), how do you avoid putting a partner on the defensive or making them feel insecure, how do you keep them from interpreting it as “I think you suck in bed”, etc?

  32. There is no cure for this. I am married to the same type of jerk. Any man who doesn’t care that his woman is pleased in bed is a selfish jerk. That nonsense statement of ” oh you just turn me on so much, that’s why I climaxed in two minutes” is an excuse. They can hold off and try to please you if they want to, they just choose not to do so. It seems that men like this are also sexist, and see women as their pure little lady or whores. They don’t want their wives to enjoy sex, it somehow threatens them. I have given up on my husband ever wanting to satisfy me. He is a sexist jerk. I am Persuing an affair and would leave him if I had the money. A man who leaves his woman hanging sexually unsatiafied on a regular basis despite her talking to him about her needs is no man. It’s not hard to please a woman. We will tell them what we want. When they still don’t attempt to please us they just don’t care.

    1. Absolutely 100% agree with every word there Anon. I got one of those jerks. Spanish and absolutely CRAP in the bedroom and the last time we, sorry, HE had sex, I told him I would never have sex with him again. And I haven’t. He has told me he is what he is and if I don’t like it,… It’s so horrid cos I am very highly sexed but I would rather not let him use me and retain my dignity.

    2. omg this is my husband totally. 18 years of this crap. Rolls on top, comes quickly, rolls off, no regard whatsoever to how it is for me. No foreplay. Hes selfish and mean. I would love to leave, im praying I can get some money too. My dream is to find a kind man who satisfies me in bed and out of it.

      1. Thought about leaving my husband for someone who cares enough to want to satisfy me. Sadly after reading all I have read it would be like trading in an orange for an orange.

        1. I left my selfish husband of 30 years in hopes of finding that magical unicorn who cares about a woman’s pleasure. You are correct that all you will be doing is trading in an orange for another orange. Just by reading all of the other comments here, you can tell there are too many men who want what they want and are unwilling to give women what women want. I have had four long-term relationships and, in each relationship, I spoke up about what I wanted. Only one man in those four relationships even attempted to learn how to stimulate my sex organ. Three of those men out and out refused to touch my sex organ and even when I spoke up time after time after time, touched it for no longer than five minutes and then it was time to give him a pat on the back for his “effort” and give him stimulation however he wanted it as a reward for his “effort.” And now that I am divorced and dating, men are still refusing to touch my sex organ even though I have made it very clear to them that I want them to touch it. But I have had sex their way and they get their rocks off on me. First you start out asking, then begging, then pleading, then bitching, then yelling, then World War III. They have the audacity to tell me I shouldn’t be so bitchy even though I have made it clear they are frustrating me by ignoring my sex organ. And then they call and text me for months after I’ve broken up with them asking why I broke it off. I have finally come to the realization that there is no magical unicorn out there. My best revenge against men is to no longer have sex with them. I would much rather not have any sex than be frustrated anymore by bad sex. Bad sex only gets his rocks off. I will not let another man get his rocks off on me. Instead, I will thank God he gave me the ability to have multiple orgasms when I masturbate and thank him for the invention of B.O.B (battery-operated boyfriend). Men should do womankind a favor and invest in blow-ups dolls and leave us alone.

  33. As a Muslim I am obliged first to have sex with my wife up to her satisfaction. I am also obliged not to hurry so that my wife orgasm as equal as I do, otherwise I will be breaching the contract of marriage. On the other hand, I thing going down and sucking clitoris or pussy , sucking dick is something differ from one partner to another, as it relates to the place an cleanness, but this does not apply if done with hand or fingers.
    As wife and husband, such matter can be solved amicably. It is unwise to consider the option of cheating or do cohabitation outside marriage relationship.

  34. My husband has the same problem! Its very frustrating! I hate to think that he’s just cold hearted and selfish but its probably true! I am very giving in bed I do everything he wants and enjoy pleasing him. But I have recently decided to try something I am not going to give him sex unless he inspires it by eating my pussy massage and putting my needs first I have tried before to do this but have always gave in but this time I hope its different. And I hope that by doing this I can inspire some changes I just hope he doesn’t say fuck you bitch and go watch porn like he usually does I have been with the man going on 9 years we have three beautiful kids so I hope I can figure out how to fix this please let me know if you have found anything that has worked

  35. I recently broke up with a boyfriend whose behavior was just like what is described in the article. In the 2 years we were together, he only went down on me twice after I basically begged him to, and I didn’t come because he didn’t know what what the hell he was doing. I had even sent him web links with tips on how to go down on a woman, but I could tell he never bothered reading them. Sex generally consisted of him lying there and waiting for me to start caressing, kissing, and going down on him. I always had to take the initiative, but he would enjoy all the pleasure and I would get nothing. He would come, roll over, didn’t want to cuddle, and didn’t even want me to touch him as he was falling asleep. He also seemed to have no interest in foreplay. I tried every time to take things slowly and build up to them, but he seemed to have no interest and always wanted to “cut to the chase”. And he was a terrible kisser, basically shoving his tongue in my mouth in an unpleasant way. I would tell him little things that I specifically liked (e.g. kissing my neck), but he never did these things on his own unless I specifically asked him to. I would basically have to beg him to pleasure me, which felt absolutely humiliating. He would even blame things on me sometimes, saying after coming that I should have “forced him” to pleasure me, or that I shouldn’t have made him come so fast, or something similar.

    I eventually realized that his sexual selfishness was just one of many symptoms of his extreme emotional problems. He is a cold, repressed person with extremely low empathy, incapable of maintaining long-term relationships, or of truly bonding with others. He is also emotionally abusive and controlling, and this was most obvious when he was drinking. It was hard to eventually realize that I wasn’t really a “person” to him, I was more of an object that he could play with when he felt like it. When I broke up with him, his lashing out confirmed this, as he got very angry and said things that made it clear he had no respect for me or my feelings. If any woman out there is dealing with a man who acts selfishly in bed, it could be a sign of serious mental and emotional problems on her partner’s part. Beware of men with no friends, who are emotionally cold, secretive, and selfish! Stay far away, and do not put up with their emotional abuse – the sexual neglect could just be one red flag of many to watch out for.

    1. I feel like if I’m included then it’s on the house. You want to just care about yourself then my prices start at 1500 an hour. That’s just to pretend like I am interested. Any other addons ie: bj are subject to an upcharge.

  36. Break it off. Find a man that cares just as much about your sexual pleasure as his own. That’s extemely selfish and I wouldn’t tolerate it

  37. If there’s one difference I’ve noticed between the experience of unfucked male/female partners, it’s this:

    Women report that their lazy, selfish male partners use them as human masturbatory aids, like a Realdoll. Men report that their lazy, selfish female partners stop having sex with them altogether, except when she occasionally lies there and assumes the role of Realdoll just to shut him up about it.

  38. This topic clearly resonates with a lot of people. Not to be a downer here, but I’ve gotta say, I’ve never seen a relationship recover from this.

    Admittedly I talk to men about this more than women, but this seems like one where who’s a man and who’s a woman doesn’t matter. The problem is the same: one partner is sexually lazy and selfish, and the other is frustrated and unfulfilled.

    I suppose every couple has sexual peaks and valleys, rallies and slumps, etc. But when sex comes to a grinding halt and stays that way, with no end to the drought in sight, it’s generally over based on all I’ve seen and heard.

    There’s a common theme in all these comments: “I’ve talked to him and voiced my concerns and nothing’s changed.”

    The best options are leaving if you can’t bear it, or opening the relationship if you want to stay with the same partner. A lot of people choose to cheat, and while that’s absolutely the most exciting, satisfying, vindicating option, it can lead to huge problems. You wouldn’t believe how possessive someone who HASN’T GIVEN A SHIT ABOUT YOU SEXUALLY IN TWO YEARS can get if you “cheat.”

  39. Been having the same problem for quite a while. I’ve tried to tell him a couple of times. and he did make more of an effort for the following few times we had sex and things went back to how they were before.It’s really frustrating because I love him and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by raising this issue again and making him feel bad/inadequate. At the same time,I don’t understand how he can be so selfish to me and my needs. Started thinking that maybe he is insecure to be a bad lover so he gives up trying to make me cum altogether?

  40. Lack of courteous, only-fair reciprocity boggles the mind. Who is raising these people to think getting BJs while refusing to go down on her is okay?!?!

    1. I think society tells us girls early in life that we shouldn’t want sex, sex is bad. Girls that do like sex or God forbid had a sex drive were slu**s, who**s, etc. Men on the other hand, were not shamed about thier sex drive at all. Now we are all grown up in marriages or long term relationships and still these ideals carry over into our sex life. Men held on to the ideas, that women don’t have a drive, need, or desire sex like guys do. It seems men think that when it comes to them, they are his “needs”. When it comes to women and sex, our needs are merely “wants”. It’s not that big of a deal if we are really satisfied because girls aren’t suppose to have a sex drive in the first place.

  41. I feel your pain. I’ve been married for three years,and my husband is not only selfish,he is lazy as fuck in bed. Won’t go down on me, or do foreplay,but i give him sex and go down on him whenever he wants. I’m so fed up with this crap. Everytime i bring it up he argues with me. I’m about to go postal.

  42. I feel your pain. My problem is that I love getting there when my husband goes down on me. However, he does it for a little bit and tells me to climax in other ways, i.e., riding him with a toy. We fight about this issue because I tell him that I want to climax while he’s going down on me. He thinks that I should climax in other positions. Am I being selfish for asking him to get me there with his tongue?

    1. No, you’re not being selfish. It’s like he’s throwing the pasta in the water and not turning on the heat. HE is being selfish. Do you finish him when you’re down on him? It goes both ways.

  43. I am with my guy now 4 years. I hate to say this, but I’m close to leaving his ass. I suggest anyone with no kids or baggage to run. I’m ditching him, I’m starting to hate him because of this. I’m 41 I’ve been around a little. Get the hell away before you cheat. I know I have to or I am gonna cheat. My guy is 28 and sucks in bed. He’s got no experience, but guess what ladies? It’s not my problem as soon as I leave his ass. It’s 415am here and I’m so pissed I can’t sleep. Asshole cums in 5 min, won’t go down, barely knows where the clit is. Fuckin men you best watch some porn and learn some shit. I’m way past showing idiots what to do. Get rid of the selfish asshole because that’s what they are fuckin selfish
    .

  44. Well I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He barely ever wants to do it because he has a low sexy drive but his drive to make me finish is even lower. It makes me kind of resent him: it used to be great when we were first together but now I have to get off myself when he isn’t home because otherwise I never would. How am I supposed to picture ola future with him if it has to be with not getting off.

  45. I’m right there with you. I feel like there is something wrong with me, but I know there’s not because it’s never been a problem before.
    I’ve said something to my husband multiple times over the 7 years we have been together and still nothing. Each time we’ve discussed it, it turns into an argument, and he turns it around on me somehow.
    I’m at a breaking point now. There is so much built up frustration. I just can’t take the loneliness.

    1. Just read this and WOW its like reading about myself. I also feel lonely ans sexually frustrated as i too do not feel satisfied. I am at my wits end and i am going to speak to a counsellor tomorrow by myself

  46. I would not allow him to climax. Just pull him out before he climaxes and then you masturbate in front of him until you have an orgasm. If he wants more, hand him the lube and tell him to handle himself. Roll over and you go to sleep. He’s being very selfish and lazy. You are allowing it to happen so that means you have the power to stop it. Stand up for yourself.

    1. I think the only answer is to leave the man and start a new relationship with someone less selfish. I tried giving my husband a dose of his own medicine and we just ended up at a stalemate. No sex for nearly a year. Just loneliness, anger and frustration.

    2. I go through the same thing my boyfriend always make sure that he gets his and can give shit less if I get mine at all when he’s done in a minute or two in laying there waiting that maybe just maybe I’ll get mine but no he says let him rest for a couple of minutes and then hell take care of me which is a lie I haven’t had an orgasim for about a month now, in the beginning it was of the hook we had sex like all day long, but now I don’t get no kind of for play it nothing and I won’t cheat on him I could not because I love him too much to do him like that it’s just that I really wish he would put more effort in pleasing Me once in a great while I don’t know what to do it’s always cause he’s hurting but your fingers don’t hurt you so what’s the problem it’s sad he’s got a good size dick but don’t know how to use it

  47. I can relate. My husband doesn’t even try, or offer up a reason why he doesn’t . Perfect example…last night. I initiate sex, I give him oral sex, he doesn’t even try to hold back, he orgasms within 3 minutes, and then , he rolls over and hugs me, and just lays there. I wait, thinking, ok, maybe this time he will try. Nope, nothing. I lay there at 11:58 pm fuming inside and incredibly frustrated. Yes, I have talked with him about this during other times, not while in the bedroom. Still, nothing. I just don’t get it. I want to please him. Why doesn’t he care about pleasing me ??

    1. Just happened to me right now. Exactly that! I made the move gave him oral and he climaxed. I came out of the sheets maybe hoping okay he’ll make a move now and kiss me or something. But nothing. He gives me a kiss on my forehead tells me he loves me and he falls asleep. I don’t get it. I’m so hurt and feel so unattractive. And also I’m 7 months pregant.

      1. These men sound like they are evangelical christians who believe women have no right to sexual satisfaction.

        Pack up and get out. You may be 7 months, but it will be worse after the baby comes.
        Get a good lawyer, and make sure he is required to support the child, and if possible you as well. To call him a jerk is an understatement.

        1. Oh come on – boorish of him, but “get a lawyer and get out” because he rolled over one time? I don’t think this situation calls for the nuclear option yet.

          I’ve got to disagree with the “it’ll get worse after baby” thing. I have a strong suspicion it may get better. A huge number of guys find pregnancy – while beautiful in a miracle-of-life sort of way – sexually unappealing in the extreme. Which sucks for women, because I’ve heard that they’re off-the-charts horny during pregnancy. Nature is cruel.

          I’d give it a few months at least before tossing the whole relationship.

    2. Whether it is not caring, selfishness, or he is one of those men who feel you are his property and you have no right to be sexually satisfied or something else is unknown. If he will not try to work with you, get a good lawyer, and get out.

  48. In my opinion you should drive the lesson home by withholding sex until he learns to fulfill your needs first. Stay strong in that no matter what, and don’t allow him to orgasm unless you do too, and preferably first.

      1. Does he know why you’re withholding sex? Meaning, did you make it clear to him that there’s no sex until he pays attention to your orgasm? Or does he maybe think you’re just not that into sex right now?

        1. Tell him once with no results, shame on him. Tell him twice still no results, blame on him. Tell him thrice no results & still with him, shame on you.

      2. Yeah That don’t work. 8 months now and still waitin! Dick just watches porn but is stupid enough to think I don’t know. It’s not a long term solution though. That’s the problem.

  49. Okay, I’m going to be the one to say this: Is anyone else thinking that this is just what happens when you marry the guy you meet at 17, and have a kid at 22 or 23? Deb is right in a way — this guy IS a boy still. 25 year olds still have SO much to learn about how to be good in bed, and most of them learn this over a 10-plus-year period of being single/dating around… i.e. when they hear something from enough women over the years, they finally believe it. I know this isn’t particularly useful in this case, but I felt it had to be said.

    1. But is that reason enough to act like a selfish spoiled asshole of a girl? I mean, I guess if her goal is simply to make a good point, before destroying their entire marriage, then this would be the way to go. (And she certainly has a very good point to make, and few people would fault her for being tempted to cheat in this case.) But it seems like she wants to fix her marriage, not fuck it up…

      1. The idea of life is to live. If a woman has a selfish man and you gave to beg him for love it’s not worth it. Every woman is worth more than that. No one wants to stay married for 40yrs to the same selfish man. That’s called an unhappy life. I had a selfish husband for 15yrs. Yes, he was sexually satisfied but I wasn’t cried many nights. We had talks and I expressed my feelings at the end of the days he was the same selfish person. I’m 46 and in a relationship with a 55 yrs with e d. Most loving man. He can not reach an orgasm but he makes sure my needs are met. We have intimacy and we share each other.

  50. Did you ever think that maybe you just can’t? Many women have trouble climaxing it’s totally normal…so I hear anyway I think it’s a matter of knowing your body and knowing what you want. I masturbated a lot as a teenager so I know exactly what to do how hard and in what position I know how to make myself come in almost every situation. So play around with yourself. But it is pretty selfish that he gets off before you and doesn’t care about it it may reflect on his personality too. Does he act selfish in day to day things? Is your relationship a good one or do you just think it is? Is he treating you well? I think it’s time you evaluate your relationship

  51. And I wouldn’t threaten him by saying you can’t help considering elsewhere.. But its OK to mention it in a non threatening what if it comes up in your communication working things out. Make sure that he knows its not that you don’t want him.. It’s that you need him to meet your needs. (Emphasis, NEED) sending love, good luck.

  52. PLEASE, I know you’re frustrated. But to the people telling you to leave him.. Consider this, is he fulfilling you in other aspects of your life? The internet is an amazing way to reach out to people.. But so dangerous when you let strangers convince you what is right for your personal life. Marriage is more than sex– it is love and compassion, respect, true enjoyment being with that person. Please don’t be convinced to leave so easily… Everyone nowadays thinks if you’re unhappy, leave.. But everyone is unhappy at points in your life.. And marriage is hard.. You both sacrifice a lot to make your lives work together.. But it should be more good than bad, and though these things are hard.. If you guys communicate right and honestly, you CAN do this.

    That being said.. Sex is very important, and when one person isn’t being satisfied it is hard. One person constantly feeling empty and eventually, feeling loss of self worth because partner wont take time to appreciate your body or please you… I have this same problem too, thats why I’m out here looking. But as I see your cry for help.. I just want to be sure you get grounded advice.

    Be honest with him, talk to him. Tell him this is really important to you, ask him to imagine what it’s be like to only have an orgasm X amount of times in 8 years if marriage..?? Tell him you enjoy pleasing him but you want him to legitimately enjoy pleasing you..and not just once in a while.. Always. Just be honest.. Make him communicate and try things.. Tell him what you like, you can have a hands on learning session.. On how to please you, because once he gets it down your sex life will skyrocket. Its worth the effort. He won’t get it immediately. Let him keep trying. See if he likes to watch you touch yourself at all, if he does, he can learn and get excited that way too. Ask him how he can get excited to pleasure you.. If those things don’t work.. Make him bring you closer to orgasm before you start to have sex. Then your chances of having during will increase (you can ask him tonuse a vubrator on you, slightly guide him.. Let gim know your enjoying it id hea doing things right.. (Noises, guys like that. But don’t fake, make him work for it.). you’re not denying him sex, but you’re making him take his time and work for it.. How it should be. If he doesn’t want to do that.. Then there’s a problem of respect. For you, your feelings, and your body. In that case, I would recommend a few sessions ofncoypkes therapy. It’s amazing how helpful it can be with the right therapist.

  53. It seems like my boyfriend is embarrassed by his penis so he won’t Let me touch it I tell him that it’s big and he just doesn’t believe me also when we have sex it feels great but he always stops early and I told him I want him to make love to me for hours but he just says I can’t help it it feels so good

  54. I am in my early 30’s and my husband is in his late 50’s. He has ED and we haven’t had sex for about 2 years now. When we married, he was still into sex and takes Viagra. Now, he still has those pills but doesn’t take them no more and doesn’t have sex with me no more. He knows how I long for his touch and affection. It is just crazy that I have to ask him when we are going to have sex again but he just replies “I don’t know”. When we are on our bed, sometimes, I would rub his penis. I would ask him rub my boobs, vagina and finger me but he refuses. I don’t understand why he is acting like that. It is just so frustrating. I really need and want him. I’m always willing to satisfy him but it seems like he is not interested. I don’t resent him for not having an erection but I wish he would try to satisfy me in some other ways. Am I asking too much that he can’t do it? I just don’t know what to do. I love him. He is a good husband in other aspects but fail sexually.

  55. Do not please him. Period.

    Your value has been derived from pleasing him, but that isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. He needs to feel what you feel, then he may get it.

    He doesn’t respect your feelings. You’ve got to make him feel them.

  56. I feel like I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend. We started out as best friends and now we have been dating for about half a year. Things were great at first, he made me happy in so many ways including sexually. He has made me orgasm more than any past boyfriend ( not a huge accomplishment, but still was nice for me). I even told him that at one point and I’m starting to regret it. I feel like since he knows he has done better than the rest, he thinks he doesn’t have to try anymore. Our sex use to be equally benifical. We would kiss and get each other going, then he would get off from the sex and then he would play with my clit to get me off. I do have to admit that I take longer to finish than he does, but I believe that is normal. Back then I use to secretly wish that I could be the one to get off first bc it would happen so much faster since he would still be turned on. However I never wanted to say anything bc I felt lucky enough to get off in the first place. Now he just complains that it takes too long so I started just taking care of myself while he would talk dirty to me. Now he doesn’t even do that. After he is finished he is practically joking around which really turns me off, so then I get frustrated bc I feel like he doesn’t even care at all. I have tried talking about it but then he just starts acting even worse. Saying things like, ” well maybe I should just buy you some sex toys since I’m not good enough”. IT IS SO FREAKING FRUSTRATING. Like I’m trying to talk to him about how I don’t feel satisfied and then I am the one to blame! I hope I’m not the only one to realize that this kind of reaction is completely ass backwards. I could really use some advice on how to better handle the situation.

    Thanks,
    Another confused woman

  57. I am not a psychologist of any sort, but it does make me wonder if your husband watches pornography? When a person watches porn it over time conditions them to only receive, and not give. This may sound unorthodox, but sometimes it is a sign of porn addiction. Sometimes they cannot physically wait because the “foreplay” has been going on in his mind for a while already, maybe even a lot of the sexual fantasies, but they ultimately need that physical stimulation to finish off the mental state of pleasure. Also, pornography tends to, and you may have heard it a million times, objectify women. Over time he may see those women as you, or you as them, without emotional and physical desires for yourself. Even if he understands that intellectually, his brain has taught him it has to reach pleasure for itself, since porn doesn’t ask for the same satisfaction back. Like I said, I am not a psychologist but I did attend a pornography addiction course by a psychologist who works with children addicted to porn. One last thing, if you are using sex toys you are also training yourself to be satisfied without bonding. Your body may eventually want sex without ever reaching emotional satisfaction. I hope it helps, and wife to wife, I wish you the very best!

    1. That’s an interesting thought re: porn addiction training a guy to only receive rather than give. We could definitely see how this could mess with a young guy’s head, if he watches a lot of porn in his formative years (even if he’s not necessarily “addicted”). We’re not so sure we buy the argument about sex toys, though. Does a guy who masturbates furiously train himself to be satisfied without bonding? Those guys seem to want sex just as much, if not more. How about a woman who masturbates with her hands? Why should a sex toy be any different. If anything, it teaches a woman how to orgasm without any outside pressure.

    2. But every time a woman mentions any issue with her guy the answer will always be that he must be watching porn – if not totally addicted 🙂

      From a guy’s side I’d say look at a couple of things. First why does he watch porn when he should have all he wants at home – there’s probably a reason for that beyond that he’s a pervert/inadequate/has problems/is immature etc. More importantly what sexual frustrations does he have. I’d bet if there was a poll on this site asking men their biggest frustration 80% of guys (at least) would give the same answer.

      1. It wasn’t an answer, but a simple suggestion.
        Most people that watch porn simply watch it because they want something stimulating while masturbating. After a while, they feel the “need” to watch it every single time or almost every single time they masturbate. Some people might get to the point regular sex gets less pleasurable, and even normal regular people less attractive. It happens. And that in no way means the person is necessarily a pervert/inadequate/problematic/immature as you said, but simply had their psychological/emotional/sexual reactions “messed up”, molded by porn.

  58. I was in the same situation. Well, it’s an ongoing issue, but it’s getting better.

    For those of you who commented saying that your husband or bf laughs at you or degrades you, your relationship needs drastic changes. For those whose man is causing physical pain or other abuse, if you are married seek serious professional help, if you aren’t married, get out of there now!

    But for those, like me, who are in stable loving relationships, but aren’t getting the orgasms you need, is time to look outside the box. Try some of these ideas, and try thinking of some of your own.

    My guy didn’t understand how big of an issue it was till I lovingly suggested we keep track. He had no idea he was getting orgasms so much more than me. (Yes, I wanted to scream). Guys aren’t always that observant and have selective memories sometimes. Keep a tally board or calendar in your bedroom. Also make sure he knows how often would be nice for you to climax.

    Try making up games. Use his weaknesses. Is he competitive? Use your strengths. Keep it loving and fun. “I bet you can’t manage to kiss and lick every part of my body during sex tonight”, “if you give me an orgasm first, I’ll do the dishes”

    Get in the mood first. Watch a romantic movie. Listen to some sexually charged music. Dance alone in the dark. Make him wait and watch while you touch yourself. (He’s not allowed to touch you or himself). Half the time they are on their way to orgasm, we are usually still trying to “get it up” so to speak. Being ready is half the battle.

    Practice makes perfect. When you masterbate, try to make the things he already does more sexy. Imagine him as he is. The things you get off to when you are alone will be a help or a hinder when he’s there. For example, now when he complains or criticizes, I think in my mind, “yes, I was naughty. Take my body if you can!” Or some such.

    Atmosphere matters to women more. Get silk sheets. Light candles. Put on some sexy lingerie. Make a playlist that turns you on. Be selfish with these little things, after all, you obviously need it more.

    Set rules! Make consequences that are light and fun but still motivating. Be firm. Don’t let them get away with breaking the rules. Talk about it.

    Also, men lose the romance after they get off. This is natural. So you need to accept that either you get more tough on demanding foreplay, or you don’t get an orgasm. Don’t try to take it out longer after he has ejaculated. Masturbation while he watches helps so much! Do it when he is really horny. The way he will look at you will help you get there faster and easier.

    I hope this helps. 🙂 good luck!

  59. My Fiance is the same way. We have been together for 2 years the sex used to be amazing now it’s still good as long as I start the sex, that way I am turned on. Tonight I pleased myself twice while he played his games because he denied me sex and so I pleased my self. Just 5 minutes after I was done he wanted me to blow him. I have no issue with it besides the fact that I don’t get it back. I did as he aaked then he turned me over and just put himself in. I started crying before he turned me over completely. I bit the pillow and screamed in pain. I hadn’t been any bit turned on or prepared down there. So it hurt and I knew it would I didn’t want to fight him because the last time i did it was worse. I stayed on my side and cried he just rolled over and went to sleep. He won’t kiss me, or any part of me. He use to turn me on and make me feel good. Now all he will do is put his spit on me for lube. The last time I was turned on by him he thought my water broke, I didn’t tell him, but it wasn’t my water I was just truly turned on. Sadly he finished and that was it I got up to go pee and set on the toilet crying. He says its to hard to give me an orgasm it’s to much work.
    He makes it out to be my fault for not being easy enough, when really if he tried it wouldn’t be hard. I told him all I need is kisses on my neck and chest that will get me started and comfy. But all he does is try rubbing my clit or slapping it with his penis which it doesn’t r feel good. He won’t even finger me. It hurts that he can’t spend the extra kisses he would rather technically rhape me and put me in pain for a few days. I use to try so hard every day I’d fix myself up and wear sexy underwear, but all I would get was why are you wearing makeup, you didn’t go anywhere. Then he would proceed to get on his games and complain about something i didn’t do right that day. I just don’t understand what happened.

    1. Annaec, I think the only good news in your post is that this guy is your fiancé and not your husband. Get out now while you still can! Or, if you insist on going forward and marrying him, then he needs to seriously change his attitude. Perhaps you could see a couples’ counselor together? Because this is not sustainable. If you’re miserable now (and you sound miserable), a wedding ring is certainly not going to change that.

      1. I’m going to say skip the couples’ counseling and run for the hills. This is terrible behavior, and is no one you want to be married to.

    2. Sounds like a Dick love. Get out now. What, you think it’ll get better? How exactly? Stop bein a doormat and tell him to fuck off.

  60. Big auto corrected from BJ. He goes limp stimulating me, and instead of getting me off, asks for a BJ so he xan get hard and then finish. And then the sad cycle of apologising and me trying to not deflate his ego…
    WHY DO I TOLERATE THIS?

  61. How do you finish yourself? When my husband does this to me i am so frustrated i can’t finish myself. I get so angry i really have to control myself to not yell at him.

    Then he apologizes and says he wishes he could do better but he never takes the steps to try to make it better. Its like he assumes any day now i am magically going to enjoy the 3 minutes of getting pumped so much that eventually that is all i need to orgasm.

    When i tell him “you need to get me off orally first” then i get a few minutes of him pleasuring me, followed by him going limp and needing a big so he can get hard again and pump me for 3 minutes.

    Then he wonders why i have lost interest?

  62. Going through the same thing with my boyfriend of 6 years. Our sex life has been fabulous and satisfying but for the last 2 month…. since I’ve moved into his home. All he wants is oral sex. I will oblige thinking I too will be satisfied by oral or other. However lately he will reach orgasm and then he rolls over soon to be snoring. Knowing he is sound asleep I head to the shower with my vibrator… im getting sick and tried of the plastic and not having his touch. No children involved and I need to feel a man’s desire for me. I read the previous comments and taking my options in.

  63. I am sad to see so many of us in the same boat . I do feel that a man should automatically be willing to give of himself in the bedroom , and that he should take pleasure in the knowledge that he is making his woman happy….sex is a sacred act, taking the man you love into your body , it’s as close as you can get without donating an organ to each other . When my bf and I started making love I was thrilled with his slow and sensuous style , my ex had never understood that I need it slow to climax. After three years , I am still incredibly attracted to him, don’t want to cheat bc I only want him, love his body and moves but growing ever more angry at his lack of concern for my pleasure . He had never given oral before me so I asked that he try it bc I refuse to do without. To his credit he researched online for techniques and brought his own sensual style to the table , and I expected it to be kind of bad while he learned but it was the best oral I have ever had . So what’s the problem right ? For one he rarely does it, if I ask he will but I want him to want to taste me. My ex once came giving me oral and while I was slightly frustrated it was mostly a huge ego boost. I felt like I was important enough and so sexy that my pleasure sparked his….I would like to have that feeling with the man I love today. I often give him oral,no need to ask me, I love giving him pleasure . ..I touch his dick and stroke it and I would happily explore his body with touch, taste, everything , for hours. I want the same from him. We have sex daily and he has the habit now of putting my hand on his dick as we lay in bed watching tv, and then hopping up on me, a few kisses and then a few minutes of sex while he watches tv out of the corner of his eye. I feel like an unattractive , unloved, piece of meat. He is basically jerking off with my vagina. So why do I allow it? I have low self esteem I guess , I feel afraid to ask for what I want because if he rejects me I will be completely devastated. I have told him how I feel and he replied with , if you don’t like it , there’s the door . So with that comment he made me feel that I don’t matter at all n he could give a shit if I stay or go. I don’t believe he really feels that way , I think he reads into my comments that I’m dissatisfied incorrectly , thinking I am insulting him or his body or his ability . ..I’m not, at all. I adore him. He is as insecure as I am , but in a different way . So it’s two people basically just settling for nothing bc I am afraid of demanding respect and love and perhaps he is afraid trying to give me the love I crave , afraid that he will give all of himself in the bedroom and I will still be unhappy . And then there is nothing left , n he will have failed . But the fact is , the only failure is not trying . Bc I would never be disappointed in him if he was simply focused on pleasing me. The willingness to care and show it intimately is all I need to be turned on. If he’s touching my skin , then it’s already perfect . If he’s interested in what I like , I’m going to be amazed. I have a high sex drive too, I’m already turned on…I truly believe it’s the knowledge of his indifference and my feelings of insecurity in the face of this that prevent my climax . I have to find a way to tell him he is great while telling him that he has no chance of failure , and that I need him to love me better, without being emasculating, insulting , insensitive or overbearing . ..talking to men is like speaking swahili. But overall for all of us sex ally frustrated females we have to believe that we are worthy of love and respect . That’s the hardest part of the whole thing . ..

  64. I have the same problem and am trying to decide which of the following to do:

    – send him some info on the female orgasm. He knows how to make me come, he’s just damn lazy.

    – Tell him unless he is prepared to give me an orgasm, he shouldn’t approach me for sex.

    – Next time once he’s inside me and I know that I’m not going to come, because on the rare occasion it happens, I come first, then I should push him off

    It’s very frustrating and is causing me to loose self esteem. I’ve not had such a selfish lover all my life. Sods law that I married this one.

    I start remembering my ex boyfriends who always went down on me and I came every single time. For me the sex is just rubbish.

    I’ve also thought about suggesting we get a vibrator he can use on me. Somehow, I think that will go down like alead balloon. Though it might make him think how much the lack of orgasm is affecting me.

    I’m worried I’ll tell him to shove off when he approaches next time. When he does finger me, it’s irritating. Poor use of his hands without actually pushing his fingers in. Iresort self pleasure as he refuses to satisfy me. It’s making me feel so low and upset.

  65. I am in exactly same situation, been married over 6 years, there is no child though. I was madly in love with him. he never gave me orgasm though. i feel I fell out of love. Should I tell him how I feel? I told him many time before but he buried his hand in sand.

  66. Thanks to all you idiots, this poor woman has the bright idea that she should fathom the possiblity of cheating/leaving her husband. Hey morons….it’s for better or worse, not convenient. There are professionals that will help with these kind of situations. If he felt that she was lacking in other areas (i.e mental, spiritual, financial), he would be wrong for seeking outside options instead of looking to rectify options with her. Everybody has a reason, & even if that reason doesn’t make sense to you right then, get over yourself & stop looking for the easy solution all the damn time! Marriage takes more work than the advice of pheasants like the ‘shrooms that are on here telling this woman to stand her ground & not look into real life alternatives like counseling or even the MAIN REASON in why the wedding should’ve been priority one & that’s GOD!! I genuinely can’t stand miserable people & you all should be ashamed of yourselves for these ridiculous comments!! Let me guess…you wouldn’t give your life for your spouse’s either…douche-bags!!!! Grow up!!!!!!!

    1. Thank you. I am in the same boat. But I’m happy with your suggestion s. So thank you. I am the kind of person that when I’m acting like an ass I need to be called an ass. Thanks.

    2. Men who don’t bother should not be bothered with. That’s it. Whatever you say. Nothing will change a selfish man. NOTHING. It’s simple.

  67. i was marriied for 30 yrs. very sexual active, i would do anythink to give her pleasue, but i was lucky to get sex 1ce a yesr or maybe 2 or 3 times a year, only if i fought it she gave me a bone i lived in a sexless marriege, when i told her i want a divorce, she told me you get it i”ll sighn the papers, if wanted to please her with oral sex, she told i was dirty, i wish i met a woman like you, i would be there please you, till you have all the orgasm you want, by the way ihad 2 children.

  68. Be the one who is in control. Play your game. Tease him all day and all night by flashing him … show him your cleavage, your legs, touch him in sexy way every now and then … drive him crazy … make him want you so bad … but tell him you have your plan and he is gonna wait … turn him on but keep control over him and make him please you by hand , by tongue , be playful … whatever .. bring him to the edge of his orgasm then back off , do it many times until you decide that is enough … just once he has somewhat satisfied you, LET (!) him finally climax .. you know what I mean …

    1. i believe this is one of the best answers, it’s sad to see how many women don’t get to get their orgasms as it’s just much easier for men isn’t it but i can’t understand why men wouldn’t care for their partners satisfaction! i was in a marriage where i quit having sex because my partner wouldn’t satisfy me and he ended up thinking i was frigid while my sex drive has always been high and i did tell him it needed more intimacy and lovemaking to get me to bed but he just didn’t understand, such a shame as i still want to be with him if the conditions were different and he’s already ended up having sex elsewhere and we’ve separated… it’s ok to talk about but during sex or the start of it, i just feel too inhibited to say anything which leaves me sad and frustrated because i feel i have things to say and would love to but just can’t get it out, this might be lack of trust but it’s an inhibition i’ve always had in this field and would really really like to get rid off, i want to say what i want when i want it, having said this, i think all women should and so should men, we should all listen and COMMUNICATE

      1. It’s so funny how husbands think their wives are frigid. I have a huge sex drive, but sex with no foreplay or orgasm is frustrating . This is why most wives stop giving blow jobs or just lay there waiting for the guy to finish. Most husbands wont even notice their wife is silently crying or tearing through unrequited sex & say to others that my wife just lays there. You want a women to get excited with no effort on your part? Hire a prostitute.

  69. Going thru the exact same thing. I feel like I have ti beef for him to touch me and idle what to do so if anyone had any tips and how I can punish him for treating me like I don’t turn him on or i don’t need more assurance that he is attracted to me. Please help.

  70. Well seeing as I’m a guy myself,idk how much help I’d b.However I was in a relationship for nearly 5 years n She would rarely ever engage on her own terms.Now I know I wasn’t doin anything wrong,as I m 8in by 2,(not Lyin or bragging),n would like to think I’m pretty adept.I’m starts to think I’ll never run into any1 with a sex drive like mine.Anyways,get itself out of it like ASHLI said,I know wat it’s like to b sexually miserable for years

    1. If you think the size of your dick is the only thing a woman needs to have an orgasm, you would be wrong. And if you think using your dick to perform a variety of different sex positions for a long period of time gets a woman to climax, you would also be wrong. At least 75% of the female population cannot and does not have orgasms from penetrative sex alone because our sex organ is not invited to that festivity. Our sex organ is flapping in the wind during intercourse. I am guessing you are well aware of that, Corey. But you continue to want women to believe your dick is all women need. Don’t believe what I and statistics say though. Try this, Corey. Make yourself hard as a rock, then stop touching your dick and put your fingers up your ass instead and then try to THINK your way to an orgasm with no stimulation to your sex organ. You think you can have an orgasm with no stimulation to your dick? No, you can’t. It’s physiology. Your sex organ needs stimulation right up to and including the point of orgasm. Works the same way for women. But you men think we should have immaculate orgasms, thinking our way to one with no stimulation to our sex organ while you thrust away inside our vagina (which, BTW, is NOT our sex organ) with your 8in by 2 in dick.

      1. You bring up some good points Mandy. Many men thinking that all they need to do for foreplay is rub or lick a woman’s clit for a minute or two and then she’s ready for a good fucking. At that point the focus is all on penis in vagina sex. As you point out….women seldom get enough stimulation from that to orgasm. It might feel good….but it’s still not an orgasm. Maybe we should blame porn? It’s got most of us focusing on the wrong things and at the same time making most of us feel inadequate.

          1. I gave you an “up” vote, Dave. I think the first and biggest problem is that sexual pleasure is not taught in sex education. Until and unless female sexual pleasure is brought into the educational system, that leaves each female having to educate each man on the need for her pleasure, as well as his. And where the heck are women supposed to be getting that education? If it isn’t taught in sex education, that leaves men watching what goes on in porn and thinking that has given them an education. Add to that the fact that up to 80% of women are faking their pleasure and orgasms (60% of women fake all of the time and another 20% of women fake some of the time). Men are really getting some misguided information from porn and women. But that goes back to putting the onus on each woman to stand up for her pleasure with each man. Education is the answer. But education will never come because our society is too afraid of including sexual pleasure as part of the educational curriculum.

          2. Mandy, Again you bring up some great points. I think men, and society in general, fear women’s sexuality. Let’s face it….being capable of multiple orgasms can make a man feel a bit intimidate. And so many men prefer ignorance over knowledge. Many societies have attempted to contain female sexuality by restricting how they dress, who they can talk with, and going so far as to mutilate female sexual organs.
            Women just don’t realize how powerful they are sexually. A real man seeks to always make sure the woman is pleasured. The female orgasm is much more complex then that of the male’s. It takes time and effort to learn how to bring a woman to orgasm. Women should not settle for any less.

  71. Take care of your orgasm yourself. Buy a silver bullet egg and a regular insertable toy and get your orgasm by yourself. It feels way better than any man. Hint use a soft seated office chair lol

  72. If you have talked about it and he still doesn’t care, leave him. He’s not interested, what more proof do you need..not to sound to harsh, but I have learned over the years- that actions speak louder than words. I went through something similar. Being denied when I made any sort of advancements. Sex was on his terms. When I didn’t cum, I would have to finish myself off with a vibrator. He would even act annoyed with the sound because it disturbed his sleep. He was uninterested in me and ended up cheating. You can only be treated the way you accept to be treated. If you aren’t happy then do something about it. File for divorce, he will claim to want to change, but most likely wont. Judging by the post, you already have the answer you need hun. Don’t waste any more time.

  73. 4 years of marriage, 6 years of being with him and I have only ONCE experienced an orgasm. That too, it came and went in a flash because he stopped doing what he did to get me there. I feel sad for all of us women who feel sad and undesireable because our husbands dont care to take care of our needs. My husband even gets into the shower as soon as we are done,because he feels its too messy to just lie beside me and cuddle. This makes me feel even more undesireable..dirty, even. Group hug, ladies 🙁

  74. Hi. I read all this comments and I cannot stand away from it. I am very sorry, sad and upset to hear how may girls suffering from that bad treatment from thers guys. I was one of them also, but I can’t stand it any more, because I was getting seriously ill from stress and dissapoitment, that I get in to serious depression.. anyway I am more than fine now, happy, healthy, feeling beautifull and needed again, and how it happend? it is simple answer. because I left my husband, selfish egoistic guy, who even was laughing in my face when I was so in pain trying to talk to him about my sexual needs. he was arogant, telling me that our poor sex life its all my fault, I am so pushy, I always want to much, I stress him and he can’ t have sex with me.. I thought I will get mad.. He stop even kissing me.. it all begun after we have child.. before childbirth we been together for two years and our sexual life was ok, but nothing crazy. I noticed that he don’t really like going down on me, making love was always wery quick, and often I was lefted without orgasm. the worst happend after our dauther was born.. he completely cut me off from sex.. he stop even kissing me, and during 5 years we make love twice.. and every time it was something like 5 minutes. I had enought, I take child and leave him. I will never come back, never again even try to leave with someone who completely don’t care…

    1. You’re leaving something out too. If your husband wasn’t satisfying you, and now that you’ve left him and taken his kids you’re satisfied, (1) you’re a slut, and (2) you’re leaving out details about how you became one instead of a loving wife — which you could never be.

      1. Ugh, can we please do without the name calling? It totally undermines any point you’re trying to make and tempts us to just delete your comment. If you have a compelling argument, slut shaming is not necessary.

          1. Believe us, we came close. But sometimes it’s helpful to know that there are still a lot of sexists in the world. It keeps the rest of us motivated to fight the good fight!

  75. Wow. All this makes me feel terrible for my wife. We met in college and we were both virgins, I was and she claimed so. I was really bad at sex and she never gave me direction. Wham bam thank you mam. The worse thing I know now is she is multi orgasmic and we are having the time of our lives. Back then she claimed she orgasmed every time and that she never masterbated, lies she still won’t admit. But she made me feel like Gods gift so I had no reason to change for the next 20 years!!!! 20 years of hell for her with a four and a half inch premature ejaculating dick head, me. If it hadn’t been for the internet I wouldn’t know where her clit is today. I feel so bad and guilty and apologize all the time for which she says it’s ok and she always had fun. Now the tables have turned and despite lasting for thirty minutes or more she prefers the big vibraters I brought to the bedroom. I’ll go down on her while thrusting the vibrater until the batteries give out and then change them and keep going. I get a ten second BJ and after two or three hours she want me to finish so she doesn’t feel bad. Ouch. Sweet revenge. But I luv her so and I luv every minute and can’t wait till the next time I can hold her. By the way we are in our early fifties

  76. This may not be what you want to hear, but I don’t see the problem. Until the 1960s or maybe 70s, the female orgasm was barely known about, and women enjoyed making love to their husbands without the need for clitoral stimulation. In recent years the media has encouraged us to expect a kind of pleasure that does not happen normally from intercourse, without the man masturbating his wife, which the Bible tells us is immoral.

    Even if you disagree with what I’ve written, you have a child to consider.

    1. Used to be women couldn’t vote either. Knowing that’s how it was then doesn’t mean we shouldn’t vote now that we are ‘allowed’ to. A good man loves his wife’s spirit and wouldn’t want to hurt her. Eating a the steak she made him and going to bed without wondering how she survives without ever eating makes him, at least, selfish.

  77. I have a similar situation, but maybe not as bad, although my husband’s selfish behaviour is throughout our marriage, not just in the bedroom. Sometimes he is a great lover! He will perform oral sex maybe 2x a month (we have sex minimum 4x a week), but most of the times, it straight to penetration and once he cums, he’s done. I try to get him to “help” as I finish myself off, like kiss my body or my breasts, but he does it in a disinterested way or giggles or just plain doesn’t do anything. I have often finished myself off in the bathroom, but then I feel like a loser, unwanted and unloved.

    When I come first, I keep having sex with him! I let him finish; why can’t he have the same courtesy for me? Last night I actually took his hand and made him caress my body, then I made him kiss me, even though he was not reciprocating at first… it was going great, but then the inevitable, he came and then when I asked him to keep using his hands he said “I can’t, my hand is sore,” which is just one of the many excuses he says right after he comes. Other excuses are, I’m tired, I’m sorry (and just lays there), he laughs and make me feel awkward, or he will do something like kiss my nipples but in a way like he’s kissing his sister. I would take ANY form of genuine affection while I finish. I was sooo close too, which made it even worse. He asked me after if I was mad and I just said goodnight and went to bed.

    I definitely feel undesirable. I feel like he doesn’t care about me, or love me. I’m considering just pleasing myself all the time when he’s not around so I don’t have to care about sex with him.

    We’ve been together for 8 yrs, have two children and have been through some tough times. I’m afraid that if I stop before he cums to prove a point, that he will go elsewhere for sex. Maybe that would set me free as I would have an excuse to leave him. I know this is a very harsh thought but I’m trying to think of all angles.

    Can anyone comment at what happened when they stopped before the man could come and how their man handled it. Did it do any good or cause more damage? I’ve tried talking with my husband but he doesn’t like any form of confrontation, which makes life difficult.

    GOOD LUCK WRITER! I hope you figure out how to get what you want without losing what is important to you.

  78. I can understand that saying no is hard when being a giving person and from going so long without. He’s touching, giving some attention and one’s hold out hope. Yes, he’s being very selfish and lazy and he is disrespecting by taking but not giving. He know he wouldn’t like it if you did the same to him and you have told him this but he doesn’t care and he wont care unless he feel threatened but as soon as the threat passes he will go back to his selfish ways and then you have a choice of living with it or living without him. If it were me, I would tell him that you can’t go any longer living this way and that you need a divorce so that you can respectfully remarry someone that will respect your needs because cheating on him to meet your sexually needs is disrespectful to both you and him. Tell him that you and him love each other but you are not compatible File for divorce because unless he is under this threat he will not change a thing. If he cares he will repair the marriage to get you back but if he doesn’t then you will at least still be young enough to remarry a man that will be happy to please and respect your needs. This may sound harsh but again spending 8 years without is harsh. You’ve given him 8 years to change, you’ve talked to him till you are blue in the face and he flat out doesn’t care about the way he’s making you feel. Do this because this is the only way you can take charge and put him on the spot to save the marriage.

  79. I had a boyfriend just like that. I just went on top the next couple of times. And right before he was gonna finish. I’d just get off him and go to sleep.

  80. I’m so sorry to hear about this absolutely horrible matter in your realationship , I’m also experiencing the same problem , I’m not married but I do have a child involved and I say to myself everyday that if there wasn’t a child involved I’d be gone a long time ago . My boyfriend only has sex with me 5 times a month which makes this even more of a battle for me , I too often think about sleeping with some one else but I feel like I would be disrespecting my family by doing so , so I just get myself off but since we are going through the same thing I understand that , that is not ENOUGH you want the one who you love and care about to make you orgasm . My boyfriend is so selfish I’m lost and do not know what to do which is why I’m here, and only the ones who are in this situation knows what it’s like some is saying its not means to divorce or cheat but listen if your STUCK with a selfish lover for life it really starts to eat at the person you are it hurts and makes you feel very confused , just hang in there that’s what I’m trying to do but it’s really wearing on me….. It really is . I’m sorry I don’t have exact advice because its really up to him , then when and if he does do it you want it to be genuine not forced. Sorry for your struggle hope things get better, quickly !!!.

  81. my husband and I have been married a year and together for 2 years. never have I believed he doesn’t love me 100 percent. he used to make me orgasm when we first got together. but for the past 8 months it has been non stop just him… I have gotten to the point I simply don’t want sex anymore.sad because I actually have a high sex drive. but he cums once no foreplay and inqm etc wanting. he has no reason for this lacking response.. “I thought you didn’t want to orgasm…….” even though each time it happens I complain. idk it leaves me depressed and hurt. I don’t believe in divorce but I feel like I deserve more. it got to the point he said, ” well I guess I will have to work on it more” which he never does. am I wrong to feel this should be something a man doesn’t need to work on? shouldn’t this be natural? I hope I am not being selfish. I just can’t bring myself to any sort of orgasm till he cums and when he beats me I am left wanting to cum but can’t at all… I guess I am ruined.

  82. Im also goin thru the same thing,,,im 25 and have never had that nice feeling of sex or an orgasm,,my husband dsnt even care as long as he is good thats it,,,,im almost at a point of giving up and tell myself i will neva enjoy sex ever and it hurts,,,so you are not alone,,,,i would really want to have an orgasm but im scared if i confront him about my issue he will stop even having the bad sex with me:(

  83. It’s so sad to know that here are so many women out there experiencing the same issues I am. I’ve been with my husband almost five years, married less than six months. Sex is very one sided and it’s obvious he doesn’t care if I reach orgasm. There is little foreplay if any, French kissing maybe a few times a year if I’m lucky and oral; well I can count on one hand how many times that has happened in five years….

    I’m an attractive woman with a very healthy sex drive. At least once every day would be great if it was up to me, but that’s just not the case.

    This is a very painful situation to be in. It makes you depressed, feel insecure, unwanted and unattractive. I just like one of the other women that commented, can literally use my vibrator right next to him in bed and he will roll over and snore. No interest whatsoever!

    We are going go counseling to help us communicate better. Sex hasn’t come up yet, but I think next session I’m bringing this out in the open. I’ve tried to talk with him about it, but he’s always got an excuse. I say excuse because the most common thing I hear is ” Well, you just ruined it! I was really in the mood and planning on tonight, but you just had to say something. Forget it now”
    I’m getting to the point where I’m getting bitter and angry and I’m not really good
    at biting my tongue.

  84. My advice is simple: Get out now. I was in a similar situation. Kept thinking things would change but they never did. He obviously had issues that prevented him from having sex with me. We had absolutely no intimacy, no affection and I cried too many nights. One night he even pushed me away so he could sleep. But I stayed because I had no support or anyone to turn to for help. After a feeble attempt at having sex a few years later I became pregnant. Of course after that it was too late to leave. 25 years later I am still with him because I didn’t have the strength to leave. Do it now while you are young, have no children, or before you buy a house. It will be much easier to walk away but you have to do it. Believe me when I say people don’t change. Your life will never get any better. I just spent the last 8 years (!!) with zero sex, no affection, no hugs, nothing. Find someone who wants to love you, it may take time but that person is out there. Don’t end up like me – miserable, fat and 50. I have no chance anymore and menopause is just around the corner so please don’t waste your life.

  85. Wow.. the advice in most of these comments is horrible. Male here, married 14 years.

    There needs to be a sit-down, face to face conversation about this. But, this does NOT need to happen during any kind of sexual situation. And it doesn’t need to be confrontational, you need to express how much you love and appreciate him and then throw in the the “but” and tell him exactly what you need and why.

    I have a high sex drive, my wife doesn’t, and just in the last 5 years, she’s learned how to move/use her body so that she climaxes when we’re having sex. I make 90% of intercourse about making her cum.

  86. Hi, My case is even worse than you, No oral sex whatsoever, and once he finishes it’s done, also he comes into me before even i am ready. And that too might happen say once a week or fortnight.
    I have no idea what to do, we love each other a lot. Just this part leaves me angry and frustrated. We are both just 25, have been together for 5 years now and married for 8 months.

  87. He is a man, and your husband. He is entitled to fuck you and other women till he climaxes. My husband doesn’t letme masturbate, as my body belongs to him.

  88. I feel for you! Im in the exact same spot. Its heartbreaking! I have major depression, resentment, bitterness and anger because of it. And because I would never cheat, my husband just has to deal with it and its especially sad that he prefers to see me this way rather than just give me what I need. I guess we just have to deal with this for the rest of our lives! We made a vow! Good luck to you say your prayers!

  89. I can’t say I’m an expert at anything, but I have been fortunate enough to have had some great lovers.For the record some of them had never had an orgasm or so they said and with me had not just one but several.I’ve always felt that it was a real mans responsibility to make love to his partner and nice guys finish last. If I were the lady we’re talking about I believe its past time to wake up her partner.She has at times but then lets him go right back to slam bam thank ya mam.Yes, I said lets him. He obviously knows what to do hes just too lazy.Tell him to shape up or ship out.If you’re not ion control of your lovemaking and he doesn’t at least acknowledge that then your bed partner is guilty of date rape.

  90. Your post describes my marriage perfectly and I feel for you as I feel for my situation also. I am 27 and have been married for five years and my husband is also a very selfish lover. He sticks it in whenever he wants and never attempts to satisfy me.
    I find some of the responses interesting but also obviously not from people in the same situation. The suggestion of finishing yourself of with a vibrator was a good suggestion when I first heard it, however made no difference. My husband sleeps next to me while I get myself off. Actually it was when I told him of my dissatisfaction in our sex life that he presented me with a whopping big vibrator to help me out (thanks babe right?)
    I honestly can’t offer any advice because in my experience it doesn’t get better. The only reason I haven’t gotten my rocks off elsewhere is because I respect myself too much to go sleeping around.
    I’m sorry were both going through this. It really sux.

  91. Relationships ebb and flow. Thats just part of being in a committed relationship.
    Divorce is NOT an option- and this issue is certainly not divorce worthy, as I’m sure u know.
    Fantasizing about other people is normal, but clearly you want your man. Don’t stray…
    Getting married changes a lot but having a child changes everything!!!
    Sexually, I’m sure your husband still thinks twice before taking you.
    The mother/newborn child leaves most men feeling like the 3rd wheel. You were the vessel securing his infants survival in the womb and if you breast fed- out of the womb too.
    The dynamic has changed. You can fix it.

    Noone likes to be shamed.

    Maybe showing him what you want by taking the lead. Change up your lovemaking routine. Really learn the art of giving a great blow-job, incorporate some new foreplay techniques. Make him orgasm then if he falls asleep, allow him a cat nap then wake him up with another blow job. Im betting he will last longer!
    If you go completely nympho on him be cognizant that he might get a bit overwhelmed/scared but with time I’m sure y’all wil come together in orgasmic bliss! The best thing I’ve incorporated into my marital bed has been cocoanut oil- it makes blow jobs and any kind of foreplay easier and much more enjoyable.

  92. Go (alone) to a counselor and talk through with them about the best way to have this converation w your husband. Because while we can bolster your confidence about being in the right for requiring change from him, a Real Person is better equipped to help you develop the assertiveness you need.

    That’s really what comes through to me: you know what you want, you know his behavior is selfish and unhealthy, you know it’s not good for you to be treated this way, and yet… Standing up for yourself is difficult for you to do. Understanding why this is, and fixing whatever’s causing that lack of assertiveness, is going to help you not just with this issue, but in your life generally.

  93. You wanna know what I would do? Right when he’s about to come, if your strong enough push him off or try to roll away from him, and start fucking yourself hard, crazy and sexy, When he looks at you in shock, tell him “Sorry, bebe you just felt so good.” let’s see how he likes it!!

  94. Tess,
    Your first two paragraphs bring up an interesting point. But don’t you think that long term couples who first got together in high school – and who respect each other – get significantly better at sex during their relationship?

  95. Let’s see… You have been together for 8 years and you are only 25… so you have been together since you were 16 years old. I am going to guess/hope that he was also a teenager when you got together. Is it possible that neither of you have much (or any) experience with anyone else? And even if he has slept with someone else, it was teenage sex which is almost universally dreadful in retrospect.

    And if this pattern is all that he knows, then you can’t expect him to just get it. To him, all of a sudden the rules about sex have changed, and oh yea he is also now a HORRIBLE lover. Which has to ding a person’s self worth and likely he is too freaked out or embarrassed to learn to be better.

    “I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it.” —This is what needs to change.

    1) Do not tell him that he can ask for pointers. Instead, give him feedback while he is doing something. Examples: “Please touch me (here)” or “bite my (location)” or even “To the Left!” If he gets off track, then redirect him with another suggestion.

    2) Why, oh why are your letting someone put his penis in you when you aren’t ready? This one is on you. You need to stop doing this. If he tries to slip it in, tell him “not yet” and mean it. Don’t give in to “I can’t wait any longer” and if he ignores you, tell him he is walking that fine rape line and he doesn’t get to ignore your “no” so he also doesn’t get to ignore your “not yet”.

    3) Your husband needs to be retrained where sex is concerned because this isn’t working. You can talk all you want, but it is your actions that have any hope of changing things. And if he STILL doesn’t get it, then at least try couple’s therapy before cheating or divorce or even an open relationship.

  96. Oh boy, like hannah said, this is very bad. I can picture the threat of violence, as well as him forcing himself on you.

    If there’s a chance of repairing this, I’d say that conditions need to be set and then absolutely ENFORCED. He’s gotten used to 8 years of you voicing concerns and then disregarding them, without consequences. Don’t let him accuse you of being petty and selfish if you deny him sex. There are plenty of examples of people being immature and using sex as a bargaining chip – that is not the case here. His egregious behavior regarding sex is a huge turnoff, ’nuff said.

    It might be necessary for the two of you to see a counselor. Perhaps if he doesn’t take you seriously, he might listen to the opinion of a (male)counselor.

    If nothing gets through to him, I hope you gather the strength to leave him, for reasons others have already stated.

    Oh, and BTW, please don’t cheat on him. Taking the high road will serve you much, much better. You deserve peace of mind for the time when someone actually does please every inch of you.

  97. Yeah, if there was no child involved, I’d say DUMP HIM… I mean that is bad. Very seriously bad. And it’s not as if you haven’t tried to tell him. Most men would be mortified if someone told them they sucked in bed, and they’d make really sure they never did it again. But then again most men care way too much about making women orgasm. If he doesn’t care at all, well, then I wouldn’t even see the point of having sex with him at all.

    But keep in mind that training people is just like training a puppy… You need to be 1) absolutely consistent and clear, 2) overflowing with praise for good behavior, and 3) you should never ever reward bad behavior. Never. Just think if you pulled a slot machine 100 times, and then on the 101st time, you won… well next time, you’d be willing to pull it 102 times. You can’t just get good behavior once or twice and then let him slip back into bad habits. Either you get the foreplay you need, or there is no sex. PERIOD!!! You don’t have to be mean, but just say, You know, I’m not really ready yet, but maybe if you tried X, Y, or Z for a while, I might be able to have intercourse after that.

  98. Well.

    This is kind of an instant-classic situation for risk-free polyamory isn’t it? You can tell him you love him a lot, you want to be with him forever, and you trust him so much that you think you should have an open relationship.

    What makes it risk free is that a) you’re giving him permission to have other partners while you have other partners but b) given his, um, proclivities there’s exactly zero chance anyone will take him up on it. Or maybe more accurately, who will take up with him long enough for their relationship to threaten yours.

    On a more serious note, I’m always reluctant to speak of hetero sex in terms of transactions or even one-for-one reciprocity because there’s already so much baggage about men having to “buy” sex and/or women “giving” men sex in exchange for something else. So I’m going to point out instead that there are still matters of maturity, concern for one’s partner, and plain old inconsideration. All of which your partner appears to be missing.

    Since interpersonal shame doesn’t work (um, does shame one’s partner ever work? The way one wants?) I’d recommend trying on social shame.

    Ask him if all his friends know about his problem? Suggest that you might start asking around for advice about his problem with premature ejaculation (conveniently definable as coming before you’re satisfied.) Tell him it’s ok if he’s really oriented towards people or things other than adult women but it would be nice to know because otherwise the way he jack-rabbits with you is tough on your self esteem.

    Yeah, it’s risky, but the point is to move the problem off of you and put it on to him. Where it belongs. The point of the suggestions is to imply (probably correctly, by the way) that it’s not your problem he needs to worry about (since he doesn’t) but instead that you’re worried about his problem.

    Good luck.

    figleaf

  99. Ben, it’s nice to know there are guys like you out there who enjoy giving women orgasms. My ex was a very selfish lover, very much like the letter writer’s husband, and I rarely orgasmed. Thanks for giving me hope, and good luck to the letter writer in having a more satisfying sex life.

  100. Why are you agreeing to being penetrated when you’re not ready, as Xenia says? You should be able to say ‘not yet’, and ‘yes, I’m ready now’. If the problem is that he comes too quickly, he could jerk off before you have sex so that he’s ready to go again with you, and hopefully last longer. But if it’s just simple selfishness, why would you put up with it for 8 years?

    1. If a guy has to be told what to do on a consistent basis and refuses to care to remember about your needs, it will be construed as nagging and he will be put off.

  101. Your husband might need some counseling of some sought…And pliz don’t divorce him.Sit him down once more and talk about this.There is a solution to that and i believe he isn’t the only one experiencing that.What if you divorce him and the next man is even worse? Are you going to leave him as well?Then at the end of the day,how many men are you going to end up with? Don’t mes sup your life because of a single problem that you and your husband can solve..above all seek the face of God,make sure you pray about it..with God nothing is impossible.

    1. It only takes a couple of bad sex partners to turn a woman a sexual. The only reason to marry a second time would be for money. Unless she is lucky enough to find a man who loves going down on women & doesnt just say it.

  102. Here’s what you do next time he finishes early and lies bed not offering to help you out. Go grab a vibrator and finish yourself off in front of him. If he says anything, simply reply “hey someone’s got to finish the job.” Maybe he’ll man up and help you out or he’ll slink off like a POS. Either way you’ll know what you’re dealing with and you will be the one in charge.

    There’s no better sight or feeling in the world than seeing a woman lying quivering on the bed, exhausted, unable to speak from a mind blowing orgasm.

  103. Your husband sounds like he’s being selfish and inconsiderate, and possibly much worse. I would echo Xenia’s comment in that if he doesn’t respect your sexual desires and needs, then I suspect that he may not respect and honor you in other areas as well. In short, his behavior is not consistent with what I would call a healthy and happy relationship.

    If things don’t change and you are staying with him because of your child, I would point out that you are modeling behavior for your toddler and they will want to emulate what they see. If you stay in a dysfunctional relationship, they will learn from that. Plus, unhealthy relationships will hinder your ability to be present for and parent your toddler because too much energy is going to go towards trying to solve a potentially unsolvable problem. So, don’t stay in a bad relationship “for the kids.”

    One option would be to see a reputable marriage counselor/therapist to explore why he acts the way he does. If your husband puts up resistance to exploring this issue (which it sounds like he already does, passively) or seeing someone to help the two of you figure this out, then you should stand your ground and tell him how important this is to you. That’s obviously much easier to say than to do, but it’s worth it. Don’t go down the road of not honoring yourself – it makes you miserable, and it doesn’t work anyway. If, despite that, he continues to refuse to try to solve this as a partner or talk with someone, then divorce may be the only reasonable option left.

    If he is unwilling and/or unable to change, there are definitely kind, considerate men out there who would love to fulfill your desires and see them as equal to their own rather than acting as your husband has.

    If it helps, I just got out of a very unhealthy marriage, and as frightening as that was, now that I’m on my own I am far happier and healthier (and a far better parent) than I would have been had I stayed. I have found that the fear of divorce is much worse than the process itself.

    Good luck!

  104. Sounds like you deserve better and if there was no child in the mix this would be a no-brainer (DMTFA). Remember that your bedroom is not a separate space to your relationship – if he lacks respect for your needs in the bedroom that means he lacks respect for you as a person in the relationship and that is not ok. Have a go at standing your ground as the other posters said for the sake of your child, but if he doesn’t change, it is up to you to sail on to greener shores. You’re still young and have not had a ton of experience, but let me tell you that there are men out there who will be willing to please you, and you would not be the only single mum on the planet either. And stop agreeing to being penetrated without foreplay, it is your body and you call the shots about when he sticks it!

  105. Take controll of your pleasure. He will get plenty and actually more if you make the love session last. My husband always kisses me, always gives me as many orgasms as I want. It took me telling him what I want and yes there are plenty of other men willing to step up for me. You get what you want it is only up to you!!!!

  106. It may be annoying to have to remind him, but stand your ground for more than a few times! If he isn’t willing to get you into it, don’t let him into it.

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