Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I hate going down on guys. Always have. I gag, I choke, I think it tastes gross. My boyfriend likes receiving oral, of course, and I want to make him happy, but I don’t think I should have to force myself to do something I thoroughly don’t enjoy just for his pleasure, especially when there are plenty of other things we can do — and do do — to get him (and myself) off. Am I being unreasonable? I wouldn’t ask him to do something he really didn’t want to do. And I can’t help but think, If someone’s got to make a sacrifice in this relationship, why can’t it be him sacrificing his desire for BJs, since that won’t result in him throwing up? (Btw, I enjoy receiving cunnilingus, but it’s not a deal breaker — I can take it or leave it. My boyfriend says he enjoys giving it to me, so that only adds tit-for-tat pressure!)

— That Blows

What should TB do?

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59 Comments on "Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down"

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blow him already – if you can’t put his junk in your mouth, but you can allow it in your vagina – you got issues

If she doesn’t then he shouldn’t. Simple. Also her right to say no… his right to find a new girlfriend that does. Simple. I had one who changed up the pitch after marriage on this and many other sexual aspects… when kids get old enough I will divorce. Simple. I will then be giving compatability surveys to all future marriage candidates that I will find online. Everyone should give a compatability questionnaire so they are assured and right prenuptial agreements with this in mind. Simple. But women that lie or want their cake and easy it too would hate this.
Some of these are ridiculous. No, you do not have to do anything that you dont want to. I am currently in this situation as well and im kind of astounded at the responses.first of all, If he decides that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore because you won’t blow him, then its quite obvious that the only thing he was after is sex. Sex should never define your relationship and if it does your not dating, your bed buddies. If the experience is that bad for you then tell him. Communication is good. Always. I agree with… Read more »

or… you set the standard as 99.9% of women do by blowing him.. then once that relationship marker was set… no more.

Em & Lo

Derek and Steve, we love both of these comments. Even more than these specific comments, though, we love that an intelligent, thoughtful sensitive, flame-free conversation about oral sex is taking place on this site. Keep it coming! (Er, as it were.)

Derek: Great post. There is a striking contrast between many of the responses provided in this thread and those in the one entitled “My Husband Won’t Give Me Oral.” Several posters here have emphasized that no one should feel forced to do do something that he or she does not want to do. In that thread the husband is treated as a jerk for having the same views that the letter writer here expresses. Double standards, anyone? I agree that no one should feel forced to perform any specific sex act. On the other hand, sex IS important to many… Read more »

A lot of women don’t orgasm from sex though. So Oral is the only way many of them can get off. Guys can get off from anything.


“Guys can get off from anything”

A gross misconception, Rose.

Also, I found the thread you were talking about…It only had 5 comments. This one has 50 comments, so of course the responses would be different when there’s 10 times the amount of comments….But plenty of people in this thread are actually saying that it’s OK to leave your partner if she doesn’t perform. The people on the other thread mostly said that she should stop giving him oral…not that she should leave him. Men feel entitled to oral, but they can orgasm from anything. I’ve actually heard before that BJs aren’t extremely pleasurable…I think men just like the dominance… Read more »
Good points, Sara. No one should feel that they have to do any specific sex act. Now, I think it is a good idea for any committed, monogamous couple to try and explore things that their partners really enjoy, but if you really don’t like it then don’t do it. That being said, I also think the other partner has every right to say good bye to a relationship that does not include things that they really enjoy and would miss greatly if there was a lack of it. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t make… Read more »
You should know these things about someone before you marry them, otherwise you shouldn’t marry them only to find out later that they don’t meet your needs and divorce. If however you do know before you marry them and you still marry them, I don’t think it’s fair to them to walk away. I personally have the most terrible gag reflex ever, can’t even take pills without gagging and almost throwing up. I made this know up front when my husband and I first started dating. He expressed that he did like them a lot and, because I wanted to… Read more »
Wise Guys

Sorry to hear that, Ann, sounds like a shitty thing your husband did to you after all these years. Hang in there. xo

If you are in a totally committed relationship and love the person you are with sometimes you need to make a sacrifice. This is what life is all about. This is when your partner will truly know that you are committed. It is totally selfish to think that the person you love should do without for the rest of their entire life something that gives them pleasure. If you are willing to step up to the plate and make an effort you will be rewarded for your efforts. Where does it say that people should suffer because one partner does… Read more »
I found this thread seriously f*cked up. The amount of guilt tripping and the suggestion to the OP that there’s something wrong with her, she needs to get over it, that she’s being “unfair” – what the actual FUCK? Do you people realise that coercing someone into a sex act they are not willing to do is a form of rape? That people are different and some people just don’t like certain things, and it’s not your right to tell them they are abnormal because they’re different to you? Threatening to find sex elsewhere or leave someone if they don’t… Read more »