Your Call: She Wants to Want It But Doesn’t

photo by SLR Jester

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been married to my husband for 9 years and we have three kids. I’m currently nursing our 7 month old. I really don’t enjoy sex, I even dread it. It’s not painful or anything, but it’s just really hard for me to get into it and my husband doesn’t like it unless I am into it. He can’t just be happy having a “quickie” because he thinks it’s too much like business. Anyway, we were both virgins when we got married, so we are each other’s only partners. I need help, because we are both very frustrated.

— Sex Sucks

What should SS do?

Say Something

7 Comments on "Your Call: She Wants to Want It But Doesn’t"

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Just wondering whether you have your contraception under control?… After going through a termination it took me a while to figure out why I felt so distant and confused. It became apparent to me that our contraception was not up to scratch and I was avoiding sex because I was terrified of becoming pregnant again. We were using condoms but because we had been using a different method for a whole year when I fell pregnant, we weren’t doing it correctly and they kept coming off and slipping, even after trying different sizes. Low and behold, I found out I… Read more »
Black Iris

I’m with Molly, masturbating might help you get in the mood more often. It’s not the same for women and men – having more orgasms is likely to make you want more.

I’m a big fan of romances. They can get you in the mood and still have people falling in love. One study even found that women who read romances have better sex lives!

Black Iris
Nursing can affect your hormones and decrease your libido. Sleep deprivation is bad for your libido too. Being a mom and worrying about all that can get in the way of your mood. If you want to get yourself more in the mood, try a mixture of sleep, dates with your husband, fun activities for yourself, exercise, and massage. Add some reading and music or art that you enjoy/turns you on. This won’t work overnight, but if you are consistently happier and healthier, you may become hornier. If this mostly started after your baby, you might want to see if… Read more »
Sometimes, when I get really stressed out, my libido dies and it takes some relaxation to get back into the game. Sometimes, my fantasy life dries up and I have to either wait it out or give it a jump start. Do you like solo sex? Do you have any fantasies? Your partner needs for you to enjoy yourself, and enjoying yourself is fun, naturally, so do whatever you need to get there. If it were me, I’d pick up some erotica or watch my favorite sexy movies (not necessarily porn), or invest in a fun new sex accessory (toy,… Read more »
Two suggestions: 1. Go see your gyno. I recently had a talk with my doc and she stressed that libido was directly linked to hormones. Having a baby may have caused your hormones to be out of whack and the doc can shed some light. 2. Give it some time and don’t pressure yourself. When my bf and I are in a rut, the pressure I put on myself makes it worse. I stress myself out and sex takes on a negative conotation. Try to keep sex in a positive light even if it isn’t perfect. Try to think of… Read more »
I am nowhere near being in the same situation as you, so my advice my not at all be helpful. I’ll throw it out there anyways because I am young and I love shamelessly self-promoting myself. I was going through a period were I was conflicted about sex…I mean what does it mean??? (I’m so deep) What we, as in my boyfriend and I, did was swear off sex. Only cuddling was allowed. Sex was forbidden. I don’t think we ever actually not had sex…I always ended up wanting it because it was forbidden and I felt safe enough to… Read more »
I went through a period of hating sex after my kids were born. One thing I realized was that I never thought about sex except at bedtime and then it was “oh, shit, he’s going to want to do it!”. What I did was to get a book of erotic short stories and started reading one every day as soon as I got up. It was the very first thing I did (after going to the bathroom) so I couldn’t skip it and put it off. At first, the stories really disgusted me, but I kept at it. I found… Read more »