Your Call: Should He Return the Favor?

no_oral_sex_signphoto by rick

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, every now and then, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo

My guy loves it when I go down on him but he rarely goes down on me he says that he isn’t into it. Is it normal for a guy to be like that and be straight? I mean I will continue to go down on him but I think he should return the favor. Am I wrong for wanting that?

— Stuck on a One-Way Street

Can’t see the poll? Click here to take it.


  1. While I generally share the outlook that “What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander” and appreciate a spirit of reciprocity, I don’t know that the ‘nuclear option’ is the best first choice here. Allowing that the relationship is otherwise pretty seaworthy, I’d be interested in knowing *why* the fella objects. Are there specific aesthetic issues or does the very idea inspire a convulsive, involuntary “Ewwwww”? In the former case, there could be approaches that would deal with his concerns, solve the immediate problem and leave him a better person. If it’s just a flat-out refusal, well, that probably mandates a different response and might be a deal-breaker. I think it’s kind of funny that not too long ago oral sex was grounds for divorce in some jurisdictions as a ‘perversion.’ Now, we see a growing sentiment that a *refusal* to provide oral sex should be grounds for divorce. Truly, there is no stopping the March of Progress.

  2. i couldn’t handle that, total dealbreaker for me. the way it see it… you guys obviously are not sexually compatible. i think if you’re someone that really enjoys getting head, and he’s not giving it, eventually you will resent him for it or cheat on him..

  3. I had a smilar situation, my advice to you is that if he’s not that into it…get him into it. Try ways to “spice it up”. Be adventurous and it will pay off. My husband and I may frequent strip clubs, go and buy sex toys together, watch some X rated movies. What happened for me was that my husband was more into it, was excited. It wasnt so much a “chore” or “returning the favor”. I Love going down on him, so a strike would be as much a sacrifice for me as him (almost as much 🙂 .. Try something new, …spice it up, that is my advice. You gotta try something, I cannot fathom a relationship where you dont get it now and again, if you dont… you very well may end up resenting him, dont let it get that far. If you love him, seems you do, take action before then. Good Luck!

  4. my guy had this problem for a while and after talking about it over and over and how important it was to me and how it’s a deal breaker if he doesn’t do it, after a blowjob strike he’s been doing it. it’s like him living without oral is what he needed to realize what it was like for me.

  5. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to give head, but if that’s the case, you certainly can’t expect your partner to give you any. Regardless of gender.

  6. I don’t think that Stuck gives enough details for us to really give good advice. Have they talked about the issue? Does he refuse to go down on her completely or does he only do it “rarely?” (which it seems does not satisfy Stuck’s needs) Her final question is easy to answer (no! you are not wrong for wanting head) but since we don’t know much else about their relationship, it’s hard to choose an answer from the poll.

    And for the record, if the situation were reversed according to gender, I would have the same opinion.

  7. See, I’m in a situation where it’s easier for me to go down on him than it is for him to go down on me. Only because we have some horribly religious parents.
    So, it’s easier for him to just whip it out, than to have me remove articles of clothing. :/ If we were ever caught, we wouldn’t be together.

    I actually… Don’t mind it at all. I would love it if he could do it for me, and he does when we feel safe with it, but I’ve begun to enjoy it for other reasons. It’s funny to… hear his reactions sometimes. And it always feels good to make him feel good.

    I do it because I enjoy doing things for HIM, not because I expect things for myself.

  8. Note to Ryan – if you have encountered pussies that “stink,” be very careful. A healthy vagina does not “stink.” If there’s a strong odor, that means an infection is present.

  9. also, she never said he “expected” a blowjob…just that he enjoys them, and who doesn’t? maybe next time let him know that he wont get his, unless you get yours

  10. I agree with Ryan on the potential smell factor, as well as Alex, who points out the double-standard.

    Of course it’s okay to assume this guy’s in the wrong for wanting to go down on a girl… but if it’s a girl not wanting to go down on a guy? Well, he’s downright abusive for even thinking it’s a big deal, isn’t he. The guy (again) is the bastard for having the expectation. The guy’s the bastard in both cases, because, well… he’s the guy. That’s some tired-ass nonsense, right there.

  11. I honestly think if he’s not willing to do something for you every once in a while, then he shouldn’t expect you to go down on him. Fair is fair on my opinion. I’d hate life without some oral now and again.

  12. Ok, the elephant in the room: what if he loves giving head, but her pussy stinks?

    Pussies all vary in odor and taste – some stronger, some less so, sometimes at different times – but some really smell and taste BAD.

    If there’s nothing wrong down there, she needs to dump him and find a new partner. I think everyone in a sexual relationship is entitled to frequent oral.

  13. awhile back an identical article came up, but the opposite, a girl that just haated giving her boyfriend oral, and the general output from it was ” don’t do what you don’t like”. but now the role is reversed and everyone wants you to end the whole relationship? instead of assuming he’s a jackass, why not find out what he dislikes about it?

  14. I think it’s interesting that the majority assumption is that he’s conflicted and uncomfortable, and not a selfish lazy douche, which is just as likely, if not more so. There are a lot of human beings out there who are very selfish and not very giving when it comes to oral.

  15. Even if he’s not that into it, he should be into the idea of pleasuring you and making you feel satisfied in bed…it seems a little immature on his part…so no you are not wrong to want him to return the favor…and I guess try findings ways to help him enjoy it more…if that doesn’t work (this might be extreme) but I might examine the relationship and see if there is reciprocity/compromise lacking in other areas as well

  16. Try giving oral to each other simultaneously (i.e. “69” position). Maybe he will feel more comfortable giving while being distracted. Also, try being vocal as in moans, ahhs, and positive praise. A little encouragement (& confidence boosting) can go a long way. Good luck!

  17. Robin is right, I enjoy it too much to be without, maybe you should buy a really really good vibrator, one with the rabbit attachment, it’s the next best thing, maybe better depending on the guy.

  18. Look. I understand how you feel. If your giving it you want something in return but consider this. Have you ever been uncomfortable about something? Did you want to be uncomfortable about that thing? Of course not! It bothered you that you were so uncomfortable (just like Im sure it bothers him). Would you like it if someone, after your already feel uncomfortable with the situation, forcing you to do it? No you wouldnt.So dont do that to him. When you love someone you please them how you want to. If going down on him makes you happy, then good. But maybe hed rather please you in a different way.

  19. I will tell you from experience, over the long haul, if you are going to be in it for that long, you will miss it. And then you might really start to resent going down on him and he not returning the favor… Trust me 13 years of marriage and NONE!

  20. For all of you who want to go on strike…didn’t your mothers teach you that two wrongs don’t make a right? Are you willing to let someone else’s bad behavior affect your behavior. Good grief. Love is not a battlefield. Or shouldn’t be.

    Threats are not a good way to build a relationship. Leaving someone because of a sexual hangup suggests there never was a relationship.

    Talk about it. He probably simply doesn’t get it. Nuclear weapons are rarely a useful tool.

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