We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
I’ve recently started seeing a woman I really like (we’ve just started sleeping with each other). She doesn’t yet know I’ve got a pretty kinky side and I don’t want it to scare her off. I was thinking of using Halloween as an opportunity to gently introduce her to this side. We’re going to a costume party on Monday and neither of us have decided on costumes. I could try to convince her to go as the dominatrix to my love slave, or as the housewife in American Horror Story to my pvc body suit guy (not that I’m THAT kinky — I don’t own my own gimp suit, I just like the occasional bondage/spanking/rough sex thing, both giving and receiving). So my questions are 1) Is this is a good way to test the waters with her and 2) if so, do you have any costume recommendations?
— American Horny Story
What should AHS do?
As someone who lives a kinky lifestyle, I say emphatically, “Don’t do it!” There are a thousand ways it can go bad, and not a single one (outside of VERY bad porno) where it works out well for both of you.
Here’s the thing: Your sexuality is not a joke. It’s an intimate part of you. So having someone reject it is hurtful – but it’s better to have that rejection happen openly and without misunderstanding (not to mention early in the relationship) than to play games with it.
Beyond that, she deserves to know the truth about the guy she is, apparently, in the beginnings of a serious relationship with.
I disagree slightly with the 2 above. Halloween *could* be a great time to introduce the idea. But for goodnessakes not in public. Go to the costume party as something cute, have a great time, and then when you get home, suggest a sexier ‘costume party’ just the two of you.
I agree with the previous two posters. Using Halloween to introduce your kink is like using April Fools’ Day as an opportunity to tell someone bad news. There’s nothing wrong with your kink, or with telling your lady about it. But introduce it in a straightforward, respectful way. “Have you ever thought about doing X?” – or, even better, “I don’t want to pressure you, but I’d love it if we could do X” – is a much better way to start that conversation.
I’m with Johnny. Also because Halloween is seen as a time to be something you’re -not-, and making the whole thing into a joke or a something like it is either going to be totally weird or not serious enough. Besides, it sounds like your kinks aren’t, well, -that- kinky, nothing that needs to be “broken” to someone. The best place to introduce bedroom stuff? How about in the bedroom? Like Johnny said, take the opportunity to get all hot and bothered, and then when you are alone, introduce little things. Em and Lo have wonderful articles on here for trying out kink for the first time, and I think they would help you help your partner. Another option is to use -hypothetical- costumes as a conversation starter, or something like that–when you are in private! But really, don’t suggest a costume, wear, and then add, “Oh yeah, by the way, funny thing…” Not effective.
Bad idea. At a party, in public, is not the place to test the kink-waters, especially if you’re unsure what kind of reaction you’re going to get from her.
Why not go with hot costumes whose sexual nature is less overt than dominatrix and love-slave, spend all night getting hot with each other, then release that tension at home?
Also, halloween aside, pussy-footing around your kinks is the surest way to creep someone out with them. If YOU treat it like something weird and potentially disturbing, what are they supposed to think? Always be bold and decisive with your sexual desires. Bit of a paradox if you’re into being a submissive love slave, I know. But if you want a “yes,” you’ve got to sell the idea that you know what you’re doing, and that this will be fun for both of you.