Your Call: Facebooking the One That Got Away

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Dear Em & Lo,

When I was 18 I walked away from the first love in my life. He has been the man that I based all other relationships on. Recently, thanks to Facebook, we have reunited as friends. We email and text and met for lunch once. We are both married with children. I haven’t told my husband about him, though I’m sure he suspects something. How do I tell my husband about this friendship that I don’t want to share with him? I don’t want to sneak around, which I am doing now. All of the unresolved issues I had with my ex (yes I was young then, how could they matter) are finally being worked out. I still love him and that won’t go away. I love my husband, but have no idea how to express my needs in this area. Is there, will there be more than friendship with this man? I don’t believe there will be. Is it better to get through this time and never explain to my spouse what is going on?

— “Poked”

What do you think “Poked” should do? Let her know in the comments below:

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13 Comments on "Your Call: Facebooking the One That Got Away"

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Madamoiselle L
5 years 9 months ago

Thank you for the article, Lady.

But, of course, we are taking the word of…….Divorce Lawyers. Not the most honorable or honest of professions, most of the time. I think they SAY whatever gets themselves and their clients the most money (clients who were “cheated on” tend to come out better, financially and otherwise in a lot of divorces, especially if it’s the woman who cheated. So if a petitioner’s lawyer can claim “Your Honor, my client’s wife was cheating or thinking of cheating with this gentleman on Facebook.” he could get the kids,(if he really wanted them) the house AND not have to pay a penny in maintenance. And lawyers often “Win” their clients case with the most ludicrous excuses. They don’t have to be actually scientifically proven ones, either. There has always been a double standard in “winning” divorces when it comes to WHO is claiming what.

Remember the lawyer who got some guy off on a murder charge, because the lawyer claimed that eating “too many Twinkies” had caused temporary insanity in his client who then went berserk and killed someone? No science there, just lawyer-ize.

We should probably get our stats from people other than those who tend to profit from them. :)

As for “Poked” this is how she phrased her plea for “advice” “Is it better to get through this time and never explain to my spouse what is going on?” Meaning, “This is what I want to do. It’s right, right?” I am beginning to believe that everywhere, as in medicine, people who come asking for “advice” usually only want to hear “advice” which backs what they were going to do anyway, and told it is OK.

Yeah, fine. Don’t tell him…..

I personally think “unresolved issues” with exes should stay exactly where they are, in the past, (which is WHY they are Exes) Poked is gonna do whatever it was she WAS gonna do. Or the request would have been phrased MUCH differently. She wants an “It’s OK.”

I think BOTH Sophie and Johnny (among others) gave good advice, though. However someone (Dex?) told her to tell her husband in an E Mail? (or was that just to herself?)

Honey, NO! Not in an email. Not even as “evidence.” People only need actual evidence, or “something to show” their spouses “they didn’t mean it” once the Divorce Lawyers have been called, from what I have seen….

5 years 9 months ago

December 2009 – Facebook fuelling divorce, research claims.

The social networking site, which connects old friends and allows users to make new ones online, is being blamed for an increasing number of marital breakdowns.

Divorce lawyers claim the explosion in the popularity of websites such as Facebook and Bebo is tempting to people to cheat on their partners.

Suspicious spouses have also used the websites to find evidence of flirting and even affairs which have led to divorce.

One law firm, which specializes in divorce, claimed almost one in five petitions they processed cited Facebook.

The root of the problem should come as no surprise: Too many spouses are using the social network for flirting — or more.

“The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to,” Mark Keenan, Divorce-Online’s managing director, is quoted as saying.

Beth Luciano
5 years 10 months ago

Okay, I will be brutally honest here. What you are doing is not fair to your husband. You obviously still have feelings of some sort for your first love, which is normal for all of us. There will always be times where you think of him, but it doesn’t make it okay to have these feelings and then add him on facebook and have lunches with him. This is asking for trouble in a lot of ways. Trust me… there is no adding exes on facebook with me or my fiancee. It is my rule because it just opens the door for anything to happen. Exes are exes for a reason, and there must be something great about your husband considering you did marry him. You have already gone behind his back, which is very hard for someone to forgive. The trust he had with you is going to be destroyed once you tell him because he will wonder why you had to see him behind his back. This is tricky, because you know what you are doing is wrong, or you wouldn’t be on here asking for advice. My advice is to not tell your husband anything, but end all contact with your ex and tell your ex that you can’t continue speaking to him or seeing him because you don’t want to risk your marriage. This would be the wisest thing to do. If you don’t want to do this, then you are going to have a lot of drama in your life and do a lot of harm to your husband’s feelings. Please, be careful about this. A lot of times, women think that they need to go back to the past, but it is never the answer. The past is the past for a reason.

5 years 11 months ago

Thinking more about your question reminded me of my own Facebook “reach into the past” fiasco. A guy for whom I’ve still carried a torch came up in my potential Facebook friends list. When I opened his profile, I found out he got married. Ouch! But what I realized (and what may be true for you) is that if I were happy with my life since him, I wouldn’t regret my my life without him.

5 years 11 months ago

I think the best thing for you to do is to stay away from this guy,because from all indications i can see what you want is more than friendship and you may run into a big problem,so kindly stay clear this guy.
Your family is worth leaving other things for especially when its going your way.