Your Call: Facebooking the One That Got Away

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Dear Em & Lo,

When I was 18 I walked away from the first love in my life. He has been the man that I based all other relationships on. Recently, thanks to Facebook, we have reunited as friends. We email and text and met for lunch once. We are both married with children. I haven’t told my husband about him, though I’m sure he suspects something. How do I tell my husband about this friendship that I don’t want to share with him? I don’t want to sneak around, which I am doing now. All of the unresolved issues I had with my ex (yes I was young then, how could they matter) are finally being worked out. I still love him and that won’t go away. I love my husband, but have no idea how to express my needs in this area. Is there, will there be more than friendship with this man? I don’t believe there will be. Is it better to get through this time and never explain to my spouse what is going on?

— “Poked”

What do you think “Poked” should do? Let her know in the comments below:

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13 Comments on "Your Call: Facebooking the One That Got Away"

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Madamoiselle L
Thank you for the article, Lady. But, of course, we are taking the word of…….Divorce Lawyers. Not the most honorable or honest of professions, most of the time. I think they SAY whatever gets themselves and their clients the most money (clients who were “cheated on” tend to come out better, financially and otherwise in a lot of divorces, especially if it’s the woman who cheated. So if a petitioner’s lawyer can claim “Your Honor, my client’s wife was cheating or thinking of cheating with this gentleman on Facebook.” he could get the kids,(if he really wanted them) the house… Read more »
December 2009 – Facebook fuelling divorce, research claims. The social networking site, which connects old friends and allows users to make new ones online, is being blamed for an increasing number of marital breakdowns. Divorce lawyers claim the explosion in the popularity of websites such as Facebook and Bebo is tempting to people to cheat on their partners. Suspicious spouses have also used the websites to find evidence of flirting and even affairs which have led to divorce. One law firm, which specializes in divorce, claimed almost one in five petitions they processed cited Facebook. The root of the problem… Read more »
Beth Luciano
Okay, I will be brutally honest here. What you are doing is not fair to your husband. You obviously still have feelings of some sort for your first love, which is normal for all of us. There will always be times where you think of him, but it doesn’t make it okay to have these feelings and then add him on facebook and have lunches with him. This is asking for trouble in a lot of ways. Trust me… there is no adding exes on facebook with me or my fiancee. It is my rule because it just opens the… Read more »

Thinking more about your question reminded me of my own Facebook “reach into the past” fiasco. A guy for whom I’ve still carried a torch came up in my potential Facebook friends list. When I opened his profile, I found out he got married. Ouch! But what I realized (and what may be true for you) is that if I were happy with my life since him, I wouldn’t regret my my life without him.


I think the best thing for you to do is to stay away from this guy,because from all indications i can see what you want is more than friendship and you may run into a big problem,so kindly stay clear this guy.
Your family is worth leaving other things for especially when its going your way.


I think the fact that you said that you don’t want to share this friendship with him says it all. No “friend” is someone you can’t tell your husband about. It’s more than a friendship, and I think you know that as well.

You will both end up getting hurt. And I am sure his wife will also be getting hurt. You need to end the friendship – like now. There is nothing you need to tell your husband about, because at this point, you’ve not really done anything. But stop it before you do.

I agree with the previous posts; the relationship/issues you should be working out are with your husband. But if you are really working on something that will improve your relationship with your husband AND you are honestly and absolutely sure that there is no longer any attraction to your ex, then address the following: “How do I tell my husband about this friendship that I don’t want to share with him?… I love my husband, but have no idea how to express my needs in this area.” Write a very thoughtful email to your husband – get it all out… Read more »