We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
Dear Em & Lo,
Last night, while watching a movie with an orgy/group sex party in it, my long term BF suggested that it would be sexy to try something like that, expect only have sex with each other (no swinging). He likes the idea of having sex while other people watch and I admit it is exciting to try something new that will spice things up and bring us closer.
However, I am a bit nervous about some things and also have no idea where to go to find such a party! I am nervous about being naked in front of strangers, my BF wanting to have sex with someone else, or someone trying to join us. Any advice would be great!
— Eyes Wide Shut
How should E.W.S. proceed? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.
Set boundaries first, to make sure that everyone can agree to them. Or try adults cams, such as Cam4.com or chaturbate.com, which will let you interact in the safety of your own home… except that they can be recorded.
My personal feelings on the matter are, “Gross!”
But ultimately, it’s your call. I just hope you’re honest with yourself and him about whether you truly want to do this.
I’m with M — assuming you can find some people who play that way then yeah, take it in stages.
And definitely make it clear to your partner that you’ll no only respect but back up his boundaries and that you expect him to do exactly the same for you.
Good reality check: If the orgy attendees are so amateur they don’t explain the house boundaries and ask about yours then you should politely excuse yourselves at the door and go back home. Because even if you didn’t get hurt someone else might, and you don’t really want to be there for that kind of shenanigans.
Another good guideline for declining: is there a beer keg? Is there an open bar? Is there other evidence that folks might get heavily under the influence? If so then go. Note: a glass of wine here and there is fine. Just be wary of heavy going. And if you or your partner are ordinarily partiers that’s fine too — later. But not at first, and really not till you know and trust the people who organize and attend the events.
Oh, finally, I mentioned at the top that you need to know and stand up for your partner’s boundaries as well as expecting him to know and stand up for yours. Part of this is because a reasonable number of women find they actually like the idea of an orgy once they get there and, um, relax their boundaries considerably. Meanwhile a reasonable number of men discover they’re not that comfortable, or not that comfortable that their partner is willing to go further than previously negotiated. Going in with the understanding that both partner’s boundaries are important is kind of a key. Save new ideas for next time.
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@Johnny: “once there’s other dudes around…” The presence of other male participants or spectators may not be as big an issue for a straight woman like the correspondent than for straight men. Any more than extra women would likely be a problem for you. But your reservation is exactly what I meant by her needing to listen to and stand up for her partner’s boundaries as well as him standing by hers. She might be fine with other penises at large but if he can’t handle it then she needs to respect that, check in, and leave with him if that’s what he needs.
tfl
You’re right to assume that the more people you have around, the more control you sacrifice. Maybe ease into this idea, without actually attending a nasty smelly sweaty hairy random-person orgy? Why not go online and find a single person or couple who 1)you and your BF both approve of and agree on, and 2)understands and agrees to your ground rules?
I find group sex disgusting. The fantasy is way different from the reality. A nice MFF threesome, sure, but once there’s other dudes around, even as spectators, I’m out.
Unless you can hand-pick who comes to this hypothetical orgy, expect the vast majority of people there to not suit your tastes. They attract a very random and diverse crowd. Much like a NYC subway car. Ever been in a NYC subway car? Even when it’s crowded, there will only be a few people on there you’re actually sexually attracted to.
If you’re into this idea, don’t let me scare you off. Just sharing my experience. But don’t be surprised if you’re immediately repulsed when you walk through the door.
I’d take it in stages:
First go to a party just to watch. If anyone at the party tries to pressure you into more then it’s the wrong kind of party; run away. (If that someone is your boyfriend, dump him – but I think that is unlikely).
Then have a conversation about what you enjoyed at the party and whether you want to go again. If you guys are still interested, go and agree to only have sex with each other, with an audience this time (same caveats as above apply).
Rinse and repeat.