photo by rileyroxxWe feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:
Dear Em & Lo,
I know what I did was wrong: I’m happily engaged, I went out one night to a sort of impromptu high school reunion, got drunk and kissed a guy I’d always had a crush on. It was one sloppy kiss, nothing more. As soon as I did it I regretted it (although I must admit it did feel kinda nice). I love my fiance, want to be with him, don’t need sex from anyone else (and am confident I won’t, even after 50 years). I let myself do it because I knew it wouldn’t diminish my feelings or commitment to my fiance, this guy was no threat and it would just be harmless, meaningless fun. Of course, now I feel totally guilty, and terrible that I did that behind his back. My question is: do I tell him, just so we don’t have anything between us before we get married — I hate the idea of having this secret for the rest of our lives. Or do I just keep my mouth shut and live with the guilt, because no good can come of hurting him like that?
Kissing Bandit
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I would love to revisit this topic after you have been happily married for 10 years and realize that this kiss was nothing but the fulfillment of an adolescent fantasy, and for that you can never be faulted. If you had met some random in a bar and hooked-up with him, I would question your level of commitment to your fiance or even your readiness to be married. But, allowing yourself one nostalgic moment to wrap-up all those teenage dreams in one pretty box … that is not criminal, it is a gift to yourself and to the girl you once were
Hell no! Never ever tell. Forget it and move on. There is the possibility of his planting the seed of distrust down the road. Besides, “so what”!
Well honestly, you have to tell him. there is no doubt about that. but if you are feeling guilty, then you are always going to feel guilty, until the truth comes out. sure it might mess everything up, sorry to say but you have to say something. its good you feel guilty because otherwise it would show you dont care about him at all so obviously you do. but like i said. guilt does not just go away so you need to come out or it is going to eat at you for a while.
Good Luck
If this was just “harmless, meaningless fun” you wouldn’t feel guilty, nor would you be concerned about telling your fiance about this incident. Honesty and communication are cornerstones of any successful relationship (in my opinion). Better to talk to him about this now, than have it come out later in a way that could be more hurtful. I agree with Katie, talk to him, but think about what this kiss was really about and be prepared to have an open and honest conversation with your fiance about that. It could be that both of you share some anxiety about the upcoming marriage. This doesn’t mean that you are destined to cheat, or that you don’t love your fiance or that you aren’t ready for this commitment.
Wow Johnny – way quick to judge there. However, I agree she should tell him… I guess I can kind of see the logic of that being a selfish way to relieve guilt, but I think deception is wrong, always…and keeping it from him is deception.
I just want to point out that being drunk is never an excuse…that would just give you an “out” for eternity. You need to think about why you kissed this guy–I’m guessing it’s not because you’ve had a burning desire for him for years. Maybe you’re feeling a bit of anxiety about your upcoming marriage? I think it’s fair to frame the incident in that respect to your fiance, but you should still tell him. Use it as a constructive way to lay out both your fears, irrational or not, on the table about marriage. Most people have some worries about a lifelong commitment, even when they’re completely capable of such. If presented correctly, this could clear up some lines of communication and end on a positive note.
Obviously, you’re trying too hard to convince everyone and yourself of your commitment to your fiance when your actions prove otherwise. You are always in control of your actions, no matter what. Be woman enough to accept this truth, and more so, to tell it.
Don’t! He probably would be hurt and worried over something he doesn’t have to be worried about since YOU WON’T DO IT AGAIN!
Tell him. Don’t worry about hurting him; it’s not the telling that hurts, it’s the doing and you can’t change that. Kissing is bad, but shouldn’t ruin what you have, if what you have is strong. Dishonesty isn’t a good path to “50 years” of happiness.
i agree, in the “what if it were me” situation [which it is, besides the “accident”] i’d tell him, but make sure he understands EXACTLY what you were doing, and how you feel. a meaningful relationship is all about communication. and hey, maybe you’ll be lucky and have a marraige full of angry/make up sex!
Whenever I consider any situation like this, I have to think, simply, “what if it were me?” What if he were the one to kiss someone else, would you care? I know quite a few couples who would not consider kissing a serious indescretion. However, agreeing with Johnny, I’m of the belief cheating is cheating and any slip, whether a peck or a romp with a pecker, is indicative of some other desire. Sure, everyone is going to lust after other people, that’s only natural, but commitment (read: marriage) is about the two of you.
Furthermore, I think this guy deserves to know the truth and base his decision on all the facts, not just what you conviently consider important.
Sure, its not like your doomed to an eternity of hellfire just for kissing someone else, but I think a situation like this should be a lightbulb for you. If you aren’t ready do get drunk and control youself without him, how can you ever live the rest of your life in celibacy?
Don’t you dare tell him. Nothing more than a kiss happened and you were indisposed. You did not have an affair. Telling him will only upset him and be a way for you to relieve your guilt. Its a purely selfish move. If you love him, marry him, and leave the past in the past.
Taking her confessions of love for her fiance at face value as truth, no, she shouldn’t say anything. I’m not as convinced as Johnny that she’s prone to indiscretion, but if she even thinks she is then she does have some kind of responsibility of revealing that to her future tax filing partner before the ceremony.
“I love my fiance, want to be with him, don’t need sex from anyone else (and am confident I won’t, even after 50 years)”
Bullshit.
“I let myself do it because I knew it wouldn’t diminish my feelings or commitment to my fiance, this guy was no threat and it would just be harmless, meaningless fun.”
Backwards rationalization. You’ll cheat somewhere down the line. Best to fess up not to this particular act, but to the fact that you’re going to need a little exta-marital stimulation over the course of your long life. It’s reasonable.
Admit this to your fiancee, and to yourself.