We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:
Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve recently hung out with a co-worker a few times, and even spent the night. Nothing happened at first — my pants stayed on and we cuddled and watched TV. The last two times the pants came off and he was all about pleasing me. It’s like he didn’t want to stop, he was so into it. I returned the favor, but I expected to have sex too. He didn’t do it! When I asked why not he said it’s a “process.” I thought, oh, maybe he wants to take it slow and might want to have an actual relationship. Well, I tried making movie and dinner plans with him to sort of test it and he said he was busy both times. What’s the deal? I feel like it’s mixed signals.
–Confused (No Pants)
If you can’t see the poll, click here to take it.
But PK, I’m guessing you kept your pants on while trying to go slow. This sleazeball had his pants down and then backed off. I say to guys, keep your pants on until you make known to both parties if the situation is just a one time thing.
Women always have a lot of questions for guys right? But don’t try to get the answers by signals because sometime you are the one who get the wrong signals not him. Ask him and you will know the answer. If the answer is not what you want then kick his ass and move on.
I agree with PK as well. Women these tell-all blah blah books get overrated sometimes. Seriously if I keep seeing that stupid “he’s just not into you phrase” uttered any more . . . Look if you really want to know what a guy wants ask him rather than trying to decipher all these stupid signs. If he starts feeding you obvious lines that you have heard a 1000x times before you have your answer.
You recently hung out with a co-worker a few times. That pretty much says it all to me. A few times doesn’t give either one of you enough time to decide a whole lot about what you feel for each other, or what direction it is heading.
What do you even know about this guy? What’s his favorite color? Have you even noticed the color of his eyes? What’s his values, goals? What are yours? Does he match who you want to spend the rest of your life with? And I don’t mean match as in tall, dark and handsome. And if you don’t know what his intentions are, why are the pants coming off?
For my money, most of the ‘rule books’ (e.g. “He’s Just Not That Into You,” “Men Are From Mars…”, “The Rules”, et. al.) are just not correct.
I agree with the above statement 100%, and toss my own hat in the “guy who’s slow to enter a relationship” pool. I say try K’s casual night in invitation.
This is how I acted when I just wanted a one-time piece of the girl I worked with. I had an open relationship at the time with a girl who was thousands of miles away. I had every intention of shacking back up with her, monogamously, when she came home.
All the behavior described above is how I laid the groundwork for my getaway.
I find myself agreeing with PK and K on this one. I think there are a number of issues that he needs to sort out and that sorting process is being seen as disinterest. For my money, most of the ‘rule books’ (e.g. “He’s Just Not That Into You,” “Men Are From Mars…”, “The Rules”, et. al. are just not correct). Actually asking the gentleman in question “What’s up?” may provide a better insight into what he’s actually thinking and feeling. Whether from the content of the answer itself and/or from the way that it’s phrased.
I don’t agree with that. It all depends on who he is. I’m a guy and notoriously slow to figure out how I feel. I like to go sloooooowwwly. I like to be friends with someone and unfortunately that usually means that women assume I’m not interested and move on. So, while it’s certainly possible that he’s just not that into you, he might just really be slow to figure things out..er…get out of his emotional way. He’s the one you should be talking to to figure out what it is. If he blows of that conversation, you’ve got your answer.
Please… women…you all need to read He’s Just not That Into You. I have done, and it is clear that he is not that into you. Think about it.. How long did it take you to realise you wanted more? Divide that time by half.. That is how long it would take a man. If he hasn’t realised, he doesn’t really deserve you anyway, does he? You would want a guy who really wants YOU, wouldn’t you? Not just someone who fools around until something better comes along.. I know it’s harsh, but I’d say drop it like it’s hot.
As he’s a coworker, he may be hesitant about having public dates right now. There’s always the risk that somebody else from work will see you and next thing you know, everyone in the office will be gossiping. If he’s smart, he is testing the waters in a private forum first. Maybe tell him you want to spend a casual night in and invite him over for cocktails. If he doesn’t sound interested, then it is probably time to move on.