3/30/17
Your Call: What Should She Do About Her Partner’s Porn Habit?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why we regularly turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letters below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

I got married six months ago after dating for 1.5 years. Our sex life is good. We regularly have sex 2-3 times a week. But I started to realize that my husband masturbates at least twice a day, and he does it everyday. He watches porn every night, and he jerks off every time before going to bed (sometimes he jerks off although he’s had sex with me). He doesn’t know that I notice him jerking off. Sometimes it bothers me, and I wanna ask him if he has addiction to porn. Is this normal for guys (married guys)? I wanna hear your opinion. 

— Torn over Porn

My boyfriend and I recently moved in together and I have been finding crunchy wads of paper towels and noticed that the amount of sex we were having was down to once, maybe twice a week. I was concerned and brought it up to him. He assured me everything was fine. The following day I felt playful and decided to send some pics and videos of what I was doing at home. This was outside of my comfort zone, but it was fun and thought I’d try something different. It made me feel sexy and confident. Our sex life seemed to be back to normal (sex or some version of sex daily). A couple of days later I came home and walked in on him masturbating in front of his computer. It made me feel deflated and confused. I thought that since we were back to our usual routine the need to masturbate wouldn’t be as much. Am I wrong in assuming that masturbating is a reflection of something I’m doing wrong, that our sex leaves him unsatisfied, or is a lack of attraction to me?

— Wife Not Wads

What should T.o.P. and W.N.W. do?
Let them know in the comments below!

6 Comments

  1. don’t feel like it’s more commonly discussed that masturbation and partnered sex can be pretty much COMPLETELY unrelated, and often fulfill completely different needs and can both exist completely interdependently. I think this is difficult – especially for women who generally do not masturbate as often due to a whole load of reasons – to NOT take personally sometimes. in both of these situations, the masturbator’s partners refer to an active sex life in addition to the porn use. THIS. IS. TOTALLY. HEALTHY! (not to mention that masturbation can actually increase interest in partnered sex and vice versa)

  2. I personally have no issue with the idea of my partner masturbating, though I understand the concern. If your husband/ partner is masturbating a lot and having sex with you then hey, congrats on that sex drive– and same goes for women. I personally have been in relationships and had a good sex life with my partner, but still masturbate every night before bed. But, like Dave mentioned, communication is definitely key! Don’t be afraid to talk about it, and don’t necessarily assume that your partners masturbation patterns is a reflection of the quality of sex you are having.

  3. FIRST… All of the people worried about their partners masturbation habits are all either married or in long term relationships. You need to be able to talk to your partner about things like this. If you are unhappy or insecure you need to communicate about it and if they truly care about you they will listen and try to make you understand what is going on. Communication is critical to any long term relationships survival.

    Second, you partner masturbating a lot isn’t necessarily a problem for your relationship. He probably loves having sex with you but there is something to be said for a quick sexual release that you don’t have to put much thought or effort into. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than the fact that your partner likes to masturbate.
    However, if you don’t discuss your feelings and why you feel threatened by the masturbation, you will likely grow to resent your partner and that can be a relationship killer. I’m not saying you have to get over your feelings. Working to change how you feel is one option but so is his changing his masturbation habits (maybe for some sexual concession on your part to help keep him happy). There are lots of paths forward that won’t ruin your relationship but they all start with communication and maybe some compromise for both of you.

    Best of luck to everyone who is having trouble with their relationships. Communication can be hard especially about sensitive subjects but it is the only way to make long term relationships work.

    PS I hope I didn’t get too preachy but I feel strongly about this.

    1. Or to put it another way–everyone prefers to have a nice dinner with fine food served with candlelight, but when you’re hungry and it’s three in the afternoon there’s a lot to be said for a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats.

  4. I can’t say I have the EXACT same problem…but I do notice that he looks quite often at mostly naked women on instagram and watches youtube videos at least 2-3 times a week that may as well be porn. We have a very healthy, fun sex life and are getting married soon. I can’t get over it…why there’s this constant need…and if we aren’t even married yet, what’s it going to be like in 5-10 years?
    Are we women crazy and this is normal male behavior? Or do we have a right to be kind of concerned and feel insecure, intimidated, and overwhelmed by all of this? Are they not satisfied or are they perfectly happy and perfectly satisfied – and just this is how men are?
    -So Confused!!

    1. Next time you catch him why don’t you walk over signature beside him take your clothes off and masturbate with him. No seriously or even better let him catch you masturbating. Honestly I don’t think the poor thing is it a big deal. Maybe he’s just looking to be more of a freak or more kinky so if you like it give him what he wants who knows he might build up your self-esteem even more to feel even more sexy. Let’s face it we all got a little freak inside of us and it does feel good to express it I’m sure he definitely going to compliment you. But do know if he still continues to masturbate when you’re not around that’s okay to do not take it personal girl it is not you you are beautiful and there is nothing wrong with you. Watching p*** is all in the mind in a fantasy we all know that we’re never going to have sexual relations with those people on the screen most the time when we are watching we’re imagining it’s ourselves and someone else that’s tangible to us. When he’s not around watch a little bit upon yourself get what you want to watch girl on guy girl on girl whatever is your pleasure watch it by yourself so there’s no pressure who knows you might like it and you guys can watch it together that’s what me and my man do, I guess it’s sort of a compromise everybody’s gotta give and take a little and you don’t have to have watch p*** every time you have sex but once in awhile is ok

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