Your Call:Why Didn’t He Invite Me to Thanksgiving?

roast_turkey_thanksgiving0003photo by tuchodi

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend and I have been seriously dating for a few months now, although over the course of the past eight months we’ve gone from buddies, to friends with benefits, to best friends with benefits, to head-over-heels in love. Since we’re fairly serious about each other, and since I’ve already met his father, I was really hoping that he’d invite me to go with him to visit his family for Thanksgiving. My own family is 800 miles away so I won’t be able to see them this year, and his is only a few hours’ drive.

I don’t want to flat-out ask him to take me along, but I’m not sure what to do, and the closer the holiday gets, the more disappointed I feel.  I’ve dropped a few hints — I’m very sad I’ll be without my family for Thanksgiving, I have extra vacation, I wish I were having turkey this year – but he’s either oblivious and hasn’t thought about inviting me, or he really doesn’t want me to go. He even went as far as complaining about driving there by himself, when a willing travel partner was sitting right beside him. He also offered to “do Thanksgiving” with me the weekend before.

My question is — should I be upset? Should I tell him I’m upset? I wouldn’t be afraid to ask to meet his family if they lived here, but I’m hesitant to demand an invitation to visit them in another state. I don’t think it’s anything he’s embarrassed about or wants to keep from me, and we’ve taken trips together, so I know it’s not that either.  Maybe he just doesn’t like to do the family thing this early in the relationship?  But he talks about the things we’ll be doing a year from now, so it’s not like he’s not committed to me.

Maybe Thanksgiving just isn’t a big deal to him, but I’d really like to spend the holiday with someone I love. THE someone I love, as a matter of fact. I would love your advice.

— Cold Turkey

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15 Comments on "Your Call:Why Didn’t He Invite Me to Thanksgiving?"

10 months 20 days ago

I am 100% against hinting at things. Tell you partner how you feel. Let him/her respond and explain their position.

If you can’t have honest conversations with each other like this then you shouldn’t have sex because you won’t have hard conversations there either like “Do you have an STD?”.

5 years 6 months ago

Sorry, my response was to the first poster. For the second one…Hurt and Confused….after three years you are still accepting this behavior and “hinting” around? Why do women (I used to do this too) accept so little from a man? His behavior is inconsiderate but you’ve allowed him to get away with it. Imagine the next 50 years of your life…always hurt, guessing what he is thinking…wondering how he feels. Listen to your gut…that is the best advice I can offer. If you gut is telling you that this isn’t right (admit it, you have that little voice inside telling you something is amiss) believe it. Trust YOU. Trust what you know to be good and honest and acceptable. Don’t let someone else determine how you live your life. It is perfectly okay to expect someone to treat you well…if you don’t, honestly you have only you to blame. History repeats itself, trust me…if you don’t get this right now, it will continue. And if you don’t figure it out the next time, you’ll continue to find the same type of person giving you the same awful lack of respect. Holidays are meant to be shared with those closest to you. If that isn’t you, dump him and find someone who will feel the same way. The saying goes something like this….”if you think that this guy is so worth keeping and you’re dealing with all this baggage, imagine how great you’ll feel when you find the one who will really treat you well.
Don’t settle. I did. It doesn’t get any better until you realize you can change it.
Good luck.

5 years 6 months ago

Don’t say she’s making too much of it…the point is clearly he does not want her there – whatever the reason. I’m horrified by how many of these responders don’t realize what a good relationship means… The thing that popped into my mind when I read the post and the responses was this…do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is insensitive to your comments and feelings and believe me, he completely realizes how you feel. Even if some of the “excuses” posted here were true (no place to sleep, embarrassed by family, house, etc. can’t handle the questions ) what does it say that he is not showing better character in putting your feelings first? After eight months, I’m sorry, you should be seeing some consideration. I don’t buy the “it’s only been a short time”. People know with the get-go whether their partner is a keeper. It seems to me, you’d be better off not wasting your time for him to come around and find someone who will treat you with dignity, respect and who can COMMUNICATE. Enough said. Harsh…I’m sorry but this comes from YEARS of experience.

Hurt & Confused
5 years 9 months ago

Ok, I have a question that sort of goes along with this:

My boyfriend of 3 years still is weird with spending the holidays together! I did spend this last Thanksgiving with him, but only because his MOTHER invited me, not him!

And now it’s a few days from Christmas and I’m still trying to get the plans together…I invited him here to my parents’ house on Christmas Eve for dinner because we decided to have our dinner Christmas eve instead…and I was HOPING that he’d have the intelligence to invite me to HIS house for Christmas. After 3 years I kind of expect that, you know?

So I started the hinting thing, I said things like…”Do you want to exchange our gifts on Christmas? Or Christmas Eve?” Kind of hinting to him that I intend on seeing him on Christmas Day as well…his response was “I don’t know, probably Christmas Eve because on Christmas day we’re having Gram, and everyone here at the house, so….” So I guess I’m not invited by the sounds of it?

I am just so hurt and confused, I mean after 3 years I would like to think that we’re gonna spend the holidays together…but why doesn’t he ask me?? It’s this way every year, unless his mother happens to ask me over!!

I’m there quite often when it’s NOT the holidays, does he just assume I’d rather be with my family or something? I know he has said before how he thinks holidays should be spent with your family, but after 3 years I consider him my family too! And when we’re married there’s going to have to be some kind of compromise, so should I just put up for it for now? Or should I ask him about it?? Please help!

Tah Tah
5 years 10 months ago

I’ve been seeing someone for about six months and was with his family with him and my family with him – because he’s into me and into the relationship. Holidays and birthdays are signifigant days. It may even be that he has someone else that will be there at his families home. Pay attention!