Your Call: Why Does My BF Ask About My Exes During Sex?
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. And frankly, this one is a doozie. Make your call by leaving your response in the comments section below.
Dear Em & Lo,
My boyfriend likes to ask me about my past sexual relationships with other men while we are having sex. How we did it, where we did it, things like that. He’s the one with an extensive sex history! While he finds it a turn-on, I find it a turn-off. It breaks my concentration on us and the moment to be asked to think about people I just don’t think about. Do any other women have this issue with their partners?
— Over It
What should O.I. do?
I’m in a similar situation with my man . We’ve been together on & off for over 30 yrs. Hard to keep things hot. He likes me to talk about sex with my exes. The dirtier
The better. Feels like work to me, but I try to give him a little talk. Then after he’s all stirred up, I click on my own fantasies.☺️
Sometimes it is hot to hear about sexual past in the heat of the moment. There is just something erotic about picturing you significant other in a different sexual situation and imagining their pleasure. In my opinion, if you don’t want to divulge this info, make something up. This way you control the situation and information. Afterward, if you want, tell him that it was not real.
This is actually more common than you think, and it possibly is going to evolve into cuckolding (people who like observe or listen to their partners having sex with someone else). But like almost all relationship problems, the solution here is communication. Just tell him you find it to be a turn off. If he can’t help himself you should just break it off.
Well, if it’s a turn-off for you, you need to find a way around it. Tell him the stories when you’re not in the moment and he can think about them while you’re IN the moment. If he doesn’t respect that you don’t want to do it, then DTMFA.
This would make me really uncomfortable, and in the same way you’re having problems with it, it would detract from my focus and, ergo, my pleasure. Go with what Johnny said. Let him know it’s not doing it for you, and he should respect that. If he can get by without it, good. It is important to engage him in what he likes, too, though–and if spinning a fake past doesn’t work for you, try some general in-the-moment dirty talking. It sounds like he might like you saying what he’s doing to you, how it makes you feel, what you like, etc… It also might help you focus and keep you turned on, too. So if you can switch the conversation from the others to the moment, maybe both of you can be happy.
I too get off on hearing that stuff, but I could live without it if it made my girl uneasy. Just be honest. Tell him you know he likes it, but it makes you uncomfortable and you don’t want to do it.
Maybe you could engage in a fantasy version of this type of play? Like, you maybe you could spin a fictional tale of slutty behavior for his amusement?