We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This woman asked her question in the comments section of the post How Often Do F-Buddies Become Girlfriends? Tell it to her straight in the comments section below.
Dear Em & Lo,
So I started talking to this guy on a dating app. He seemed so interested at first. Conversations could have been a bit inappropriate looking back now, but at the time they were so exciting! We went out on our first date to a members only club. Which made me think “Ok, it’s good that he’s not hiding me.” We had three other dates but they were very spaced out and all three he would invite me over and cook for me. We spoke about our families, he’d talk to me about his friends like I knew them, we spoke about our ex’s for a minute or so, I learnt that he had got out of a one year relationship 3 months prior to us talking. We slept together on the fourth date. I really like him and we clicked so well when we were together, but then he wouldn’t talk to me until the next week when he’d want to see me.
One day he tried to make a joke out of wanting to sleep with me, I took it the wrong way and said I wasn’t only looking for someone to sleep with and if that was the case maybe I should take a step back. His response was “I hadn’t thought that far ahead!” What does that even mean?!
I tried to call him to explain what I meant, as I wasn’t looking to rush into something, I just wanted to go out and do different things. He picked up but said he was in the middle of something and would call me back… Of course he didn’t. I took the advice of a guy friend of mine and sent him a message the next evening to diffuse the situation. I said [things] got a bit lost in translation and there was no drama and I asked what his plans were for the evening. He responded the next day… Basically just saying that he was ill but was going to an event he had to attend that night but was just going to lay low. I took that as he was only going to invite me over if I was going to see him. I told him to enjoy his evening!
He texted a couple of days later saying that he was at work and was going to chill and watch a movie at home after work and said I was welcome to join. I told him I was not up for that but I didn’t mind going out for a drink! He said he would text me once he finished work. He texted me later than when he said he would to say that he was running late and let’s rearrange.
Of course I was annoyed but just said perhaps after I’m back from my trip. His response was “sure x.” Thing is he hasn’t asked about me or contacted me since. I don’t know how to deal with this guy, I don’t get why I’m not being given a chance, I’ve never been in a situation where a guy hasn’t wanted to get to know me. I think about him a lot but I don’t want it to just be about sex!
I’d love to hear your advice.
— Loulou
What advice do you have for LouLou? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
Johnny, you are right. This guy is a player.
Loulou, I think that anyone with a brain should walk away from players and not look back. Players have no problem with emotionally manipulating people to get whatever they want. This means that players are not trustworthy so that they are not even good candidates for fuck buddies. (Even fuck buddies need to be honest about the boundaries of their relationship.)
Please do yourself a favor and go find someone else.
Alright then.
1. Traditional femininity. PUA’s are chauvinists. Wear make-up, grow your hair long, dress nicely. Be demure, mysterious; be willing to follow his lead. Be SUBTLE. This is an uphill battle for most women, as traditional feminine deportment is no longer taught. You might have to go out and learn it, just like PUA’s had to go out and learn traditional masculine attraction.
2. Sex. If you’re not the best lay in his life you don’t stand a chance. If you don’t fuck him on his time frame, he’ll bounce. If you don’t fuck him the way he wants, he’ll bounce.
… but PUA’s aren’t entirely as selfish as you might think in this regard. They consider themselves great womanizers, and like giving women orgasms. They love going down on women, they love women a woman gives sexual instructions – PUA’s are sex-positive, for a bunch of sexists. Pleasing women sexually one moment is part of how they justify being dicks to them the next.
The bedroom is where you break the traditionally feminine role and become a freak. Making him come is great, but coming yourself will give his ego a stroking that no dick-stroking can compete with. Not that I’m suggesting you fake it or anything…
3. No- to low-drama. Don’t cry, don’t make demands, don’t pick arguments, don’t nag.
4. Get in shape. These are guys with choice. They don’t settle.
5. Once you’ve got your hooks in… TURN THE TABLES! You’re a WOMAN. Y’all INVENTED attraction games. Guile and subterfuge in the field of romance are YOUR domain. PUA’s are just men made of flesh. If they can flip your switches, you can flip theirs, PU protocol be damned.
It’s not like steering a car – you can’t just make him go where you want. It’s like steering a super tanker. He’s the ship. You’re the current. If you’re soft-handed and gentle about it, he’ll wind up where you send him.
Just look at me! I made the biggest PU ‘mistake’ of all: in the middle of a real hot streak, I met a wonderful woman and settled down. It took her a little while for her to get me where she wanted me, but now I am very much taken and in a long-term relationship with a woman who began as a quick pickup lay.
One more thing about the PUA mentality – and based on what you’re written I’m quite sure you’re dealing with a PUA here.
“Naturals” are guys whose talent for getting laid occurred organically. Maybe they’re really good-looking, maybe they figured out how to push female buttons early on – but the natural is who the PUA seeks to emulate.
Then you’ve got 3 phases of PUA.
1. The not-there-yet PUA. These guys are trying. Oh, how they try. Unfortunately their attempts are weird, creepy, annoying, etc. These are the guys who annoy every woman in the bar with cheesy openers till a bouncer throws them out.
2. The just-arrived PUA; he’s done his homework, he’s done his legwork, and it’s paying off. For the first time in his life, he’s swimmin’ in women. He’s on cloud 9 – a state of euphoria. It truly is intoxicating to go from regular guy to player – fills you with a kind of madness. Women are conquests to this guy, a source of validation and confidence. It’s not nice, but imagine turning a starving man loose on an all-you-can-eat buffet.
3. The PUA who has become natural; he’s internalized the things he needs to know to get laid, while loosening up a little about the “rules.” He has forgotten the anxiety and longing of a shitty sex life, but is no longer high on pussy (developed a tolerance, I guess?). These guys have more or less transitioned into the sort of man they sought to emulate in the first place. They’re confident rather than arrogant, satisfied rather than gluttted.
Sounds to me like your guy is in Phase 2 of pickup artist development.
Oh come on Johnny, you can’t tease us like that! Go on, share, we promise not to judge you for it.
If you really like this guy – and that’s a decision you may re-evaluate now that I’ve lifted the veil for ya – I could tell you what it takes for a woman to lock down a PUA.
… but that’s “triggering,” so I’ll keep it to myself unless someone really wants to know.
Ha. This guy’s read his pickup literature. This is all textbook.
Here’s what’s going on:
1. “Push-pull” (yes, in PU lingo that’s the name of the ‘move’); he’s keeping you off balance by pulling you in one day and pushing you away the next. It’s working like a charm – you’re hooked.
2. In doing so he is – just repeating PU theory here! – providing you with the emotional roller-coaster that PUA’s claim women live for. PU theory would hold that if he were just a nice guy who liked you as much as you like him, you’d be bored of him already.
3. He has slotted you as a fuck buddy, if you’ll forgive the crassitude. He is following prescribed PUA protocol for keeping a woman slotted as a FB (stays distant to begin with – “once a week” is actually the recommendation – and he backs WAY off when you push for more). This leads me to believe that you’re one of multiple women in his life. Guys only act this way when sex is abundant in their lives.
4. With every push YOU make – with every demand for more time, more attention, etc. – you drive him further off.
5. “Cook for her at home” and “invite her for a movie at home” and “only hang out with her if she’s DTF” and “only text/phone to arrange logistics” are four standard PUA moves, all of which are in effect here.
So there it is. He likes you, but he likes his independence and his multiple partners more. You’re not going to get more out of him than this because – abundance – he doesn’t have to give you any more than this to get his needs fulfilled.