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Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve known this guy for over a year and run into him every now and then in a bar that we both frequent. The other night I saw him and he was flirty and said that he was hoping to run into me and he was happy to see me and then proceeded with the ole “We have chemistry,” etc. After making out, we decided to go back to my place to, what was pretty much agreed on, have sex. When we got to my place, he casually told me that he had a girlfriend. (When I inquired, he said that it was a casual situation.) We did not have sex. My question is: Why would a guy ruin a sure thing, by saying he had a girlfriend? Did he want to make sure I didn’t take the sex seriously? Or is he simply a guy and didn’t think?
— Blue Box
What should B.B. think about this guy’s actions? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.
Hey Johnny!
Thanks for your thoughtful and well written response. Subsequent developments have led me to think that it was a combination of all of the above. Lol!
Oh, I forgot the most obvious one:
7. Hell hath no fury. You said this is a guy you see around. You go to the same bar. Maybe you’ve seen his girlfriend around. Maybe you know who she is. Maybe you’d get really angry if he pulled a fast one on you, or maybe you’d just get that feeling of vagina solidarity that wells up in women sometimes. Then you might cause big trouble. He’s covering his bases. Nothing happened – no harm no foul, right? No need to blow the whistle on him, especially if it’s as “casual” as he claims.
There’s a few reasons for this. In no particular order, they are:
1. Set the stage for further casual sex without commitment. If you agree to do him once despite his having a girlfriend, and despite the implication that he will not be following up or asking you on any dates, then it’s as in-the-bag as it can possibly be. It’s shooting the moon. The risk was losing the lay. The reward was a secret, commitment-free casual sex partner. He gambled.
2. Desire for absolution. If you do him anyway, you’ve basically green-lighted something he really wanted to do, and provided him with the sort of unconditional acceptance a scumbag needs to ignore his conscience for a little while.
3. Desire for rejection. He might be feeling really guilty about the whole thing, and if you reject him, he can walk away feeling faithful (I said FEELING faithful; this is bullshit, I get it).
4. A twisted sense of ethics. With STD’s running rampant these days, he might have felt it was your right to know that you’re not his only sex partner.
5. Validation. Having several women in your harem makes you feel like the fuckin’ MAN. But what good are all the props in the world if they go unacknowledged by others? He wants to hear you say, “okay, Mister Big-Dick Player, I’ll be one of your several women!”
6. He’s an idiot, and he’s drunk, and he just doesn’t know when to shut up.
Could be any one of those things, or it could be a combination of several. Now for the startling part: you belong to a minority of women who will actually walk away after such a revelation. Most women who have taken you into their boudoires will still do you after you pull this. I have discovered that women are as bad as guys when they’re horny, and will generally throw ethical consideration to the wind once they’re worked up. Hence is decision to drop this on you when you got home, rather than at the bar.