aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Some people really know how to put the “sex” into “quality time with your loved ones this holiday season.” Like Mariah Carey, for instance. Or another for instance — you! All you want for Christmas is to get your freak on. And your holiday dream may well come true… so long as you’re not sharing a bedroom with your eight-year-old twin cousins.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ll be a joiner this week, eager to partake of all the festivities going on around you. You will be charming and free-spirited and all your family and friends will be glad you came home for the holidays. And you’ll make your partner dress up like Santa for sex and say ho ho ho when s/he comes.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If there’s a piece of mistletoe in the room, chances are you’re standing under it this week with your eyes closed, your lips pursed and some really strong Velcro on your gloves to snare passersby. And believe it or not, it might actually work. Have fun, but remember that a holiday party fling doesn’t always lead to a serious long-term relationship. Shocking, we know.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be in a really sensual mood this week. Unfortunately, it’s kinda freaking out your grandmother. You might want to tone it down a bit around the family — they’re starting to wonder what you’re doing in the bubble bath for so long, and the way you moaned over the butternut squash lasagna made everyone blush. Once you’re out on the town, go nuts — we have a feeling even Santa’s celibate elves won’t have a chance around you.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This horoscope goes out to all you single Leos. Apologies to the Leos in secure, loving relationships. (Why don’t you guys cook dinner for each other or something? And don’t you have any mistletoe to make out under?) Anyway, back to the singles. Someone may try to set you up on a blind date this week. Don’t do it! Especially if someone in your family is behind the set-up. Usually, we’re all for this kind of thing, but right now we think you’ll have more luck using all five senses to seek out a potential mate. Besides, would you really trust someone in your family to set you up? Remember what they got you for Christmahanakwanzika last year?
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Others will find you difficult to keep up with this week. Maybe it’s because you got a snowmobile for Christmas and they just got a new scarf. Slow down and give the cute ones a chance to catch up: the wait may be worth your while.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t accept a ride on any old reindeer. Wait until you meet the one who really makes your bells jingle.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Remember how when you were a kid and your mom told you to make a list for Santa and you really thought you could ask for anything? Remember wishing for world peace, a new kidney for your sick neighbor and a better hair day for your math teacher? (What? That was just us? You asked for a pony? Greedy brat.) Anyway, we got older and we started to ask for things we knew we’d get. Sometimes we even stuck Post-It notes on certain pages of our favorite catalog to make sure our parents got it right. Or even more shamelessly, created an Amazon.com wishlist. We sure do miss the magic, but at least we get great presents now. Anyway, where were we? Oh, your sex life, right. You should temper your expectations if you want to relate romantically. In other words, don’t ask for the equivalent of a hover scooter when it comes to sex, or you’re sure to be disappointed. We should know.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This is our favorite time of the year, when the only decision we have to make is whether or not to have seconds. Okay, scratch that: the only decision we have to make is whether or not to change into our stretchy pants before eating seconds. You, on the other hand, have a big decision to make. Yeah, you know what we’re talking about, the massive decision that’s been hanging around like an elephant in a Santa suit. Go ahead and make up your mind, you won’t regret it.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ll be hard to resist if you attend social functions this week, and you won’t have to say much in order to attract attention. Your body language will speak for itself. Of course, if instead you spend the week stuffing your face and getting drunk on eggnog while playing board games with your family, then all that charisma will just float up the chimney. But hey, we’re sure there’ll be other weeks like this.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Have you ever wished that you were a bimbo or himbo for a night? That you could just stand in the corner looking all cute and that would be enough? Well do we have a holiday gift for you! It’s a one-week, all access bimbo-himbo pass. This holiday season, your animal magnetism is all it will take to literally charm the pants off the object of your desire. Nothing you say will change their mind either way. Except for maybe your joke about the seal and the cappuccino. Yeah, we’d retire that one for good.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Tis the season to be jolly, to overeat, to go deeper into debt and to get drunk and embarrass yourself at your office holiday party. Isn’t it just easier to admit that to yourself right now? Don’t fight the feeling — we know you’ve been waiting all year to proposition the occupant of cubicle #247.