Your Holiday Horoscopes: A Caroling Tradition

Each week, we at predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, nothing is sacred, as we take traditional Christmas carols and turn them into sex advice. Merry Xmas to you!

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Said the Emma to the little Lo,
“Do you see what I see?
Way up in the sky, little Lo,
Do you see what I see?
A ram, a ram, dancing in the night
With his horns ready for a fight,
With his horns ready for a fight.”

Said the little Lo to all the Aries,
“Do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the sky, and email,
Do you hear what I hear?
A boy, a girl, they’re all on their knees,
And it’s not God they’re praying to,
Oh, it’s not God they’re praying to.”

Said the Little Lo to the mighty Em,
“Do you know what I know?
In Aries’ yards across the world,
Do you know what I know?
A boy, a girl shivers in the cold—
Won’t you give them some of your ‘gold,’
Won’t you give them some of your ‘gold.'”

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Chestnuts roasting on a George Forman
The boss doing coke up his nose
Vicious rumors being spread by doormen
And folks dressed up like trashy ho’s.

Everybody knows a Trojan and some Astroglide
Help to make the office party bright
Buzzed Tauri with their flies open wide
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Rudolf, the red-nosed Gemini
had a very shiny nose (from the alcohol?).
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows (from the alcohol!).

All of the other hotties
used to laugh and call him names (like Gin Blossom!).
They never let poor Rudolf
play in any reindeer games (like Spin the Bottle!).

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Em & Lo came to say:
“Rudolf with your nose so bright (from all the oral!),
won’t you ‘guide my sleigh’ tonight?”

Then all the hotties loved him
as they shouted out with glee:
“Rudolf the red-nosed luvver,
you’ll go down in history!”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Hark how the bells,
Sweet silver bells,
All seem to say,
Throw cares away.

Get it in gear,
Don’t have no fear,
You’re young, not old,
Have sex that’s bold.

Ding dong ding dong,
You can’t go wrong,
With a dildo,
You big phat ho.

Oh how it pounds,
Making weird sounds,
O’er hill and dale,
Telling your tale.

To your neighbor,
And it will lure,
Them to your bed,
Making you red.

Don’t be ashamed,
Join in the game,
Neighbors can play,
And make your day.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
No, auld acquaintance be called up,
It’s ex-booty time!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks,
Dressed in holiday style.
In the air,
There’s a feeling,
of Dionysus.
People laughing,
Strangers passing,
Meeting stare after stare.
And on ev’ry street corner you’ll hear,

“Hey, hot-stuff!” “Hey, hot-stuff!”
“I want to get with you tonight.”
“You’re a doll,” hear them call,
Soon it will be Christmas lay.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Joy to the world! Libra is come;
Let bars let Libras in;
Let every dance floor clear space for the Libras,
and Libras will get laid,
and Libras will get laid,
and Libras, and Libras, they will get laid.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Follow us in merry measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
While we tell of Christmas treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the old love passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Pick a partner, be together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Just ignore the stormy weather,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We saw Sagi kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
You didn’t see us creep
In your house to have a peep;
You think all we do is work then go to sleep?
Then, we saw Sagi kiss a different Santa Claus
It turns out Sagi ain’t so snowy white;
But what a laugh it won’t be
If Santa One ever sees
Slutty Sagi kissing Santa Two in the night.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
We’re telling you why:
Someone special’s coming to town!

They’ll spoon you when you’re sleeping,
They’ll screw when you’re awake.
They’ll spank you just because you’re good,
So be good for sex’s sake!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
O Aquarius, O Aquarius!
No need to toot thy own French horn.
O Aquarius, O Aquarius!
No need to toot thy own French horn.

Be sure to keep thy lips zipped tight,
And thou will surely score tonight.
O Aquarius, O Aquarius,
Thy quiet charm is just like porn!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re a mean one, Dear Pisces
You really are a heel,
You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Dear Pisces,
If you can’t make your mind up then go play the field!

You’re a monster, Dear Pisces,
Your heart’s an empty hole,
Your loins are full of indecision, you have anti-commitment powder in your soul, Dear Pisces,
You wouldn’t touch a relationship with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You’re a rotter, Dear Pisces,
You’re the king of breaking hearts,
Spare a thought for the splotched tomatoes you leave behind you, Dear Pisces,
Don’t be a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!


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