Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You know how sensual you can be? Well, it’s kinda freaking out your grandmother this week. You might want to tone it down a bit around the family — they’re starting to wonder what you’re doing in the bubble bath for so long, and the way you moaned over the creamy mashed potatoes made everyone blush. Once you’re out on the town, go nuts — we have a feeling even Santa’s celibate elves won’t have a chance around you.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ll be a joiner this week, eager to partake of all the festivities going on around you. You will be charming and free-spirited and all your family and friends will be glad you came home for the holidays. And you’ll make your partner dress up like Santa for sex and say ho ho ho when s/he climaxes.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Tis the season to be jolly, to overeat, to go deeper into debt and to get drunk and embarrass yourself at your office holiday party. Isn’t it just easier to admit that to yourself right now? Don’t fight the feeling — we know you’ve been waiting all year to proposition the occupant of cubicle no. 247.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Some people really know how to put the “sex” into “quality time with your loved ones this holiday season. ” Like Mariah Carey, for instance, singing “All I Want for Christmas” clad in a red and white fluffy boob tube. Or another for instance — you! All you want for Christmas is to get your freak on. This shouldn’t be a problem, as long as you’re not sharing a bedroom with your eight-year-old twin cousins.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Remember how when you were a kid and your mom told you to make a list for Santa and you really thought you could ask for anything? Remember wishing for world peace, a new kidney for your sick neighbor, and a better hair day for your math teacher? (What? That was just us? You asked for a pony? Greedy brat. ) Anyway, we got older and we started to ask for things we knew we’d get. Sometimes we even stuck Post-It notes on certain pages of our favorite catalog to make sure our parents got it right. We sure do miss the magic, but at least we get great presents now. Anyway, where were we? Oh, your love life, right. You should temper your expectations if you want to relate romantically. In other words, don’t ask for the equivalent of a flat screen TV when it comes to sex, or you’re sure to be disappointed. We should know.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will be in a mood to party this week. Which is fortunate, because it really sucks to be in a “Why don’t you all just go screw yourselves” mood at this time of year. Accept all invitations to party: a connection made at one event could be long-lasting. Unlike the connections made at all the other events, which will be fleeting, superficial conversations about the price of mistletoe and how to stop a tree from shedding its needles.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be hard to resist if you attend social functions this week, and you won’t have to say much in order to attract attention. Your body language will speak for itself. Of course, if instead you spend the week stuffing your face and getting drunk on egg-nog while playing board games with your family, then all that charisma will just float up the chimney. But hey, we’re sure there’ll be other weeks like this.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t accept a ride on any old reindeer. Wait until you meet the one who really makes your bells jingle.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Have you ever wished that you were a bimbo or himbo for a night? That you could just stand in the corner looking all cute and that would be enough? Well do we have a holiday gift for you! It’s a one-week, all access bimbo-himbo pass. This holiday season, your animal magnetism is all it will take to literally charm the pants off the object of your desire. Nothing you say will change their mind either way. Except for maybe your joke about the seal and the cappuccino. Yeah, we’d retire that one for good.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Others will find you difficult to keep up with this week. Maybe it’s because you got a snowmobile for Christmas and they just got a new scarf. Slow down and give the cute ones a chance to catch up: the wait may be worth your while . . . Are you sick of the holiday metaphors yet? Too bad, there’s more coming.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This is our favorite time of the year, when the only decision we have to make is whether or not to have seconds. Okay, scratch that: the only decision we have to make is whether or not to change into our stretchy pants before eating seconds. You, on the other hand, have a big decision to make. Yeah, you know what we’re talking about, the massive decision that’s been hanging around like an elephant in a Santa suit. Go ahead and make up your mind, you won’t regret it.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re suffering from what a friend of ours likes to call the “Something About Mary” syndrome: you keep morphing into someone else’s vision of the perfectly impossible man’s woman or woman’s man or woman’s woman or . . . you get the idea. (And aren’t you glad we didn’t make a “mystery hair product” joke?) You’re changing so fast, people are finding it hard to relate to you. Plus, it’s not good for the soul. Retreat for a while, rest up, spend some good holiday time with your family and/or friends and remember who it is you are, and who you’re looking for. If you promise to do all this for us, we promise that your horoscope next week will include a couple of jokes and maybe even a dose of that witty, dry Em-and-Lo special ingredient that you’ve come to know and love.