Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
How can anyone resist you this week? Especially in that provocative Halloween costume you chose to don this year. We know, that’s like hearing it from your grandmother — we’re supposed to tell you that you’re stunning and smart and great in bed. (What, your grandmother never told you that?) But this week, we actually mean it.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s like you’re reliving that Halloween party back in the early nineties when you dressed up like Dieter from “Sprockets” and told people in mid-conversation, “You have grown tiresome!” before walking away to get another drink. This week, though you may think it, don’t actually say it. And for god’s sake, don’t be caught dead in a black turtleneck and leggings.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Dress up for Halloween as Yoda this year and then use his quote “Foreplay, cuddling…A Jedi craves not these things.” And then add “Fortunately, a Jedi you are not.” Note: Just make sure you’re not talking to someone dressed as Luke or Leah.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
That hot-hot-hot-hottie at the Halloween party may not be showing their true colors. Remember, the sexier their costume, the more likely they are to be a total vanilla prude the rest of the year.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Honey, it’s like Martha Stewart herself lovingly painted you in skin-friendly rubber cement and then gently dipped you in a tub of multicolored sequins — that’s how dazzling you’ll be this week. And when you radiate a sparkle like that, the masses just can’t help but look and be hypnotized. Think of it as a fabu Halloween costume. So get out there and glow — just try not to blind anyone in the process.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve got your own personal genie this week who can grant you one romantic wish. But beware the dangers of wish fulfillment. Think carefully and choose wisely. You may end up with that extra two inches you asked for, but you’ll get it via some rare and painful STD; or you may finally get married, as you’ve always dreamed — but to a cute, yet dense, eighteen-year-old surfer boy after a blurry weekend of excess in Vegas. You may wish for a Halloween hook-up, only to realize the person you went home with wasn’t wearing a mask.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Resist the temptation to sit home and watch reruns of “Halloweeen: H20.” Why watch fools get their heart broken (literally with a knife) when there are plenty of fools to interact with in the flesh right outside your front door? Try dressing up like Michael Meyers for Halloween this week and see if you can’t break some hearts of your own — figuratively, of course.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re going to be impossible to resist this week, so make sure you’re not handing out “Halloween party invitations” to people who really should resist you (your best friend’s significant other, your first cousin, your heartbroken ex, your pet, etc.).
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you always fall in love when you least expect it, then stop expecting it and maybe it will finally happen. Which nineteenth-century British philosopher was it who said, “Expect nothing and you’ll be infinitely happy”? He might make a good costume, if you want to attract anglophiles with a soft spot for Merchant-Ivory productions.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Consider yourself warned: There are some people who will assume that just because you’re dressed as a crack whore this Halloween (yet another “Fifty Shades”–inpspired costume), you want to be treated as such. So be prepared to point out the line between fantasy and reality. And practice saying the word no . . . and meaning it.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re ready to turn this relationship up to eleven. Prove your commitment by dressing in drag for Halloween. Unless of course you’re an actual drag king or queen, in which case Halloween should be a casual day.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
A little birdie told us that you’ll either tell a lame joke, have food in your teeth or break serious wind while talking to someone who gets your heart fluttering at your local costume ball. Play it safe and just hang with your homies in your coordinated Avenger costumes for the time being. Save your big moves for pre-Thanksgiving parties instead.
MORE FROM EMandLO.com:
- What If Your Boyfriend Is on the Small Side?
- How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?
- Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?
- How to Buy a Sex Toy (With No Buyer’s Remorse)