photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Being as mysterious as the “special house meat” will work in your favor this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You have such a unique way of approaching people that it’s a miracle you don’t scare all the hotties away. But somehow, it works for you. This week, you’ll meet someone just as “creative.” You two freaks should be very happy together.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you’re hot and you know it, make a move. If you’re hot and you know it make a move. If you’re hot and you know it and you really want to show it, if you’re hot and you know it, make a move! (But don’t do any silly dances.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you’re not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you’ll die all alone.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
It’s time to poop or get off the pot. Your wishy-washy act is starting to get old, and that hottie you’ve kept waiting is about to gather their last scrap of pride and tell you to fuggetaboutit. And then you’ll just be alone and constipated.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Everybody’s looking for somebody who looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker. But don’t expect the first pump you try on to be the perfect fit. You’ve got to suffer a lot of blisters and bad eighties stillettos before your glass slipper shows up. Wait, there’s a little life left in this metaphor, and you can bet your Manolos we’re going to squeeze it out: Just because a pair rubs you the wrong way the first few times, doesn’t mean it’s lacking potential. Second chances will save you a little heartbreak and a lot of terrible shoes.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Take a chance this week — we’re, like, 99 percent certain you won’t get hosed for it. A blind date may lead to great oral, a neighborhood function may lead to a “swinging” time, a new pizza topping may spice up an otherwise mundane Wednesday night at home. Just in case we’re right, make sure you keep a clean house (both literally and genitally). And may we suggest trying pineapple on your pizza? It’ll flavor more than just your ‘za, if you catch our drift.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
One of our favorite bumper stickers proclaims “Jesus is coming — look busy.” While predicting the apocalypse is not in our job description, we can tell you that love is on its way. (And for those of you Scorpios who have had a particularly long dry spell, this may well count as a miracle.) If your horoscope were a bumper sticker, it would proclaim, “Love is coming — look hot.” Fortunately, it seems that love will not show its face until later in the week, so you have a good couple of days to shave your pits, trim your mullet, wax your crack, etc.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ll be in an aggressive mood, like you’ve just worked out, taken steroids, or watched the first three seasons of The Sopranos on DVD. Therefore, it pains us to tell you that talking will be just as much (if not more) of a turn-on for your potential mates this week as physical advances. Keep the tiger in its cage, put your hair in a sensitive ponytail, and save the alpha act for rough-housing with yourself.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Yeah, so you’re gorgeous, Capi. Whatev. Turns out the hottie you have your eye on actually has depth. Oh, felicity! Unfortunately, it means you can’t rely on your, uh, assets this time — you’re actually going to have to do some work for once. You know: make a little small talk, display a little wit, prove a little intelligence. You do remember how, don’t you?

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
When Charles Schwab was once asked how he did so well in the financial markets (actually, we’re guessing he got asked that pretty much every freakin’ day of his life), he said, “By always selling too early.” You would do well to apply his advice to your love life: Sure, it’s hard to cash out when you’re having so much fun playing the market, but the longer you try to play the game, the more likely you are to end up stone-broke or loveless at the end of the day.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You should consider wearing one of those “keep back fifty yards” t-shirts this week. Proximity to hotties will get you all flustered, and not in an endearing way — we’re talking pit stains and clammy hands. If you don’t want someone to see you lose your cool this early on in the seduction process (and trust us, it won’t be pretty), then keep your distance. And wear deodorant.

MORE FROM EM & LO:

• 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink Is On Sale Now!
• 5 Ways That Getting Kinky Can Improve Your Relationship
• Anti-Advice: Top 5 Tips to Snag a Man