Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we present your horos in short poem form:
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Let’s get physical
Sang Olivia Newton.
Don’t listen to her!
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Open up your mouth
And speak the truth of your heart.
Easy on the tongue.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Share your moodiness.
Sometimes you feel like a “nut,”
and sometimes you don’t.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Move forward with strength,
And confidence and charm.
Not a big boner.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t sell yourself short.
You’ve got so much to offer.
And you’re very tall.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Move over, kick back,
Just go along for the ride.
Do not backseat drive.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Dinner and movies
Are for uninspired shmo’s.
Think: bunjee jumping.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
There is a reason
Why Clue is a great board game.
Maintain mystery.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You want to get head,
But if you have a big head,
you won’t get any.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Actions speak loudly,
like raindrops on a tin roof,
or orgasmic moos.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Anger Management
is a terrible movie.
But a good idea.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Today is the day.
Like a horny toad jumping,
go get your freak on.
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