Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, you may be asked to get off the fence regarding your plans for the future. If you can’t oblige this request, at least give an honest and kind explanation as to why (fear of commitment, fear of cohabitation, fear of heights). If you’re a good egg about it, you may get to straddle that fence for a few more weeks.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If we had to describe you as an article of clothing this week, you’d be a pair of sexy fishnet stockings. If we had to describe you as an animal this week, you’d be a fox. If we had to describe you as a stock, we’d say, “Buy, buy, buy!” If we had to describe you as an egg this week, we’d say, you’ll get laid. Often.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Lucky you, Gemini: it’s cliche week! . . . You can’t have something for nothing. If you aren’t willing to give you won’t receive. There’s no “I” in “team.” Think twice before you speak. A promise is a promise. Don’t shit where you eat.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You have nothing to worry about this week. No, really. Except for the recession and unemployment rates and climate change and the demise of Emily & Jef’s “Bachelorette” engagement — nothing. As far as sex, love and naughty underwear go, your life will be worry-free.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, you’ll have to grease the wheels, rev up the engine, and kick it into high gear to get the affection you crave. You may even want to splurge on super unleaded gas and an E-Z Pass. Who knows, you may end up getting lucky in the back seat.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll be in an affectionate mood this week, so don’t waste it. Get in touch with someone who interests you and make a date. It’s time you took control of your love life. Kind of like Demi Moore in St. Elmo’s Fire when she does all that cocaine with the sheiks in the fancy hotel and Judd Nelson comes to take her home and she says, “What, and waste all this good coke?” Except, in your case, you’re just high on life.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Okay, this is probably not a good a week to surprise your lover by jumping out from the bedroom closet in the near dark wearing an Eyes Wide Shut mask and a dog collar and nothing else. In fact, there probably is no good time for that. Instead, prepare your partner for a sensual night (or nights) of unbridled passion and blush-inducing lust. Set aside the time, make sex dates, send foreplay emails, light some friggin candles . . . do something.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Take it easy. The more you push someone into an intimate situation the more he or she will be reluctant, slap you in the face or press charges. Didn’t you ever hear that story when you were a kid about the contest between the Wind and the Sun to see who could get the man’s jacket off, and the Wind was all cocky and macho, boasting about its power and strength like a fraternity date rapist, and the Sun was super laid back with a big smile on its face like it had just smoked a big fatty, and the Wind got all up in the man’s face trying to force the jacket off which only made the man button up his jacket tighter while the Sun just sat back and shined and shined and quickly got the man to happily take his jacket off? If it had been an “adult” book, the Sun could have just kept shining, getting the man so hot and bothered that he had to unbutton his shirt, then pull down his pants, and then, aw yeah, slowly, oh so slowly, take off his tight, white Calvin Kleins to reveal his . . . Anyway, you get the picture.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Persistence will lead to pushiness. Pushiness will lead to loneliness. Loneliness will lead to porn. Porn will lead to more porn. More porn will lead to really bad porn. Really bad porn will lead to a warped and selfish sense of sexuality. A warped and selfish sense of sexuality will lead to an inability to maintain relationships. An inability to maintain relationships will lead to an unhappy, meaningless existence. So don’t be persistent this week and you’ll live happily ever after.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You don’t have to read women’s magazines or “How to Succeed in Business” manuals to know that body language works. What you have to remember, however, is that the language you speak has a pretty high correlation to who will listen — if you speak German, your chances of picking up a Fraulein or scoring some Wiener for dinner increase dramatically, and so on. Make sure you know what dialect your body language is speaking this week.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Your blushing rose act can only take you so far. This isn’t the fifties, you know. At some point you’re going to have to actually express interest if you want this little eye-contact game you’ve got going on to develop into a full-blown relationship. It may seem “crass” to you, but trust us, you’ve already exhibited more than enough restraint and politesse to make your point. As Andre the Giant probably said once, it’s time to take it to the mat.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Instead of wasting your time on someone who doesn’t make you happy, waste your time on yourself. Work on improving the good and overcoming the bad. You probably won’t be able to undo years of neuroses and the countless ways your parents screwed you up, but at least making the effort will give you something to focus on besides your loneliness. Plus, self-improvement (or the illusion of it) is an attractive quality to people you might be interested in.
MORE FROM EMandLO.com:
- What If Your Boyfriend Is on the Small Side?
- How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?
- Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?
- How to Buy a Sex Toy (With No Buyer’s Remorse)