Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-05-2012

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t mix business with pleasure this week. The gossip-mongers by the water cooler are hungry for fresh meat. You could be the pastrami in their scandal sandwich if you’re not careful. But then again, what do you care what those losers think? They’re not the boss of you . . . Or are they?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
No matter how many new shirts you buy, how many manicures you get, how much money you throw around, or how much affection you offer, your attempts to impress will be moot. People will see through you like a thinly sliced sliver of ginger. Of course, they won’t say no to the affection. But their lack of reciprocation will burn worse than wasabi on your tender, pink parts.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Everyone has a “one who got away.” If you don’t make your move soon, you’ll be getting another. Block all the exits and don’t let them leave until you’ve made them an offer they can’t refuse. Or at least get their email address.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Dress in yellow. Just say hello. Now bust a move.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you take it upon yourself to organize social gatherings, you get to pick events that flatter your butt. Like bowling, for example. And if you have a nice butt and you’re a good bowler, other people will want to have sex with you.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s set-up city this week. A friend, a relative, a co-worker perhaps, will hook you up with a possibility. Resistance is futile. Submit! And don’t be shy: You’re a star and they’re an astronomer. Which could just mean they’re a total dork, but it’s always nice to be liked.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Pace yourself in this relationship and don’t give up too much: we have a feeling it might be a bit of a Betamax.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you want to dish it, you have to be able to take it — like, no innocent flirting with your neighbor if the same behavior in your partner would unleash the green-eyed monster within you.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Finally! This week you’ll actually make a mental connection with someone you’re getting busy with. So you might want to stick around for cuddle time for a change.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Remember that scene in Naked Gun where Leslie Nielson says, “Everywhere I look, I see reminders of her”–and then the camera pans to two massive concrete bunkers that look like boobies, right next to a skyscraping phallus. That’s what you’ve got to look forward to this week. But don’t go humping cold, hard, unfeeling concrete structures just to scratch that itch: Warm human flesh may be easier to come by than you think. You just gotta ask. (Just don’t ask them to come over and watch Naked Gun on DVD.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Philanthropy helps make the world a better place — and it makes you look good.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If there was a recommended daily allowance of sexual energy, then you’d be eating fifteen bowls a day of Booty Flakes this week. Don’t O.D.


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