Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-18-13

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Rose-colored glasses are good for depressed pessimists who need a little something to brighten their outlook on life. They are not so good for naive and deluded idealists who have a problem seeing things for what they are. Aries, our friend, you’re falling into the latter category this week. Bless you for being so trusting and hopeful, but we’d hate to see you end up just asking for lemon when someone tries to pass off a doggie water bowl served on a silver tray as high tea.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You need to keep your wits about you this week. Don’t operate any heavy machinery or ask anyone out to dinner while under the influence of your libido. Do whatever it takes to keep those hormones in check — read The Nation, watch C-SPAN, call your grandmother, clip your toenails in bed. On second thought, don’t ever clip your toenails in bed.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You all know the difference between Mr. /Ms. Right and Mr. /Ms. Right Now. And conventional wisdom would have you believe that entertaining a Right Now while you wait for The Right One is okey dokey. But not this week. Because chances are your Right Now, whom you might even think is a Mr. /Ms. Right, is going to turn out to be a Swimfan or a “Two and a Half Men” show addict. Best to wait. And wait… and wait if you have to. Not being stalked or having to bad CBS sitcoms will be worth it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The stars warn that being too affectionate with someone you just met could lead to a one-night stand. We think they’re talking about getting sloppy drunk and slurring, “My place or yours?” while leaning into your date for balance. Which is not always the worst way to while away a Tuesday night. But this week, resist the urge to bed someone immediately if they seem like a keeper: Save a little something for later. If they’re not a keeper, feel free to go ahead and do the dirty, as long as the feeling’s mutual.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
It’s the curse of the shy person: People mistake your vibe for cool aloofness. Indifference may appeal to some people, like the ones who never got over being rejected by the “cool crowd” in high school and are constantly trying to rewrite their past. But most people with the basic insecurities will just think you’re not being nice to them because they’ve done something wrong or you don’t like them. Make every effort to come out of that shell and prove to people you’re not a cold-hearted snake, but a warm, outgoing person with just a bit of a librarian streak.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Make like Olivia Newton John and get a little exercise. Spandex optional. The stars aren’t entirely clear why this is a particularly good week for you to work out; we’re guessing it means there’s no good news on the love life front and they’re just trying to avoid the issue. But hey, rock-hard abs are rock-hard abs.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We’re going old school here: Remember (or ever hear of) Frogger on Atari? It was one of the first at-home video games. On one of the levels, you had to jump from moving lily pad to moving lily pad as quickly as possible without biting it big-time before you reached the next level. This week, you’re the frog, and every lily pad is a person you’ll meet. The only difference is… okay, one of the many differences is that should you land on a comfy lily pad you like, take your coat off, stay a while, and use a condom.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This is a good week to stay at home twiddling your thumbs all week. Don’t blame us, blame the stars. We still think you’re cool. Plus, it’s going to be a good hair week. So that’s something.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, do what you do so well: be playful, be childlike, and be the boss. Which could be construed as a polite way of describing that other thing you do so well: Throwing down a tantrum. But you know the difference, and so do we: It’s about having fun, enjoying being in the driver’s seat, and not crying like a big ol’ baby.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t let someone in your family push you into a blind date. Because just as you can pick your partners and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your partner’s nose, your friends and family can’t pick your partners or your partners’ noses. Opt out gracefully from the set-up and no one will get hurt. We said just put down the blind date down and walk away… slowly, slowly.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Everyone will want to be by your side this week. Whether or not that might have something to do with the fact that you got front row seats to John Tesh in concert, we can’t be sure. But we can guarantee that someone intriguing will tell you how he or she feels. Whether or not “intriguing” means they actually have worse taste in music than you, we can’t be sure.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The stars say that you should wait for a sign before divulging the contents of your heart to someone. ‘Cause it turns out they might just want to be friends. In a perfect world, we’d be able to tell you exactly what form this “sign” is going to take. But damn it, we don’t live in a perfect world, so you’ll just have to figure that one out for yourself. Best of luck to ya.


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