Your Weekly Horoscopes: Fortune Cookie Week (June 1st)

Each week, we at predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we get our inspiration from the best place to get life advice (besides here): fortune cookies.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Socializing will lead to interesting conversations . . . in bed.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Ask and you shall receive . . . in bed.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Work to become, not to acquire . . . in bed.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
An intellectual approach to life and work will win you many influential friends . . . in bed.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar . . . in bed.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Secrets and lies will do more harm than good . . . in bed.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The cautious rarely err, and rarely have any fun . . . in bed.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Confucius says, Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance . . . in bed.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Do not to give your heart too freely to someone greedy . . . in bed.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Beware the perils of peer pressure . . . in bed.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
A friendship should not be treated like a business relationship . . . in bed.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Be careful not to open up too quickly with those you know little about . . . in bed.

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