Your Weekly Horoscopes…in Haiku: 12/3/2012


Each week, we at predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Do not jump the fence.
The grass under your feetsies
Is fertile and green.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The leaf told the tree,
“I’ll fall off when I’m ready.”
Don’t pull leaves off trees.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Like a monkey’s butt
Your mojo is big and red.
People will notice.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t be a hermit.
Go on a Carnival cruise.
Booze will kill the cheese.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t be so picky.
They even find your toots cute.
Not a bad deal, dude.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Friends keep their pants on.
Friendship is overrated.
Kiss first. Names later.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Party it up, girl.
Nights out will lead to booty.
Netflix nights in won’t.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
I eat an apple.
Outside it’s red, inside brown.
Next time, banana.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
So many fishes.
Which one deserves mouth-to-mouth?
Play catch and release.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
They say “When pigs fly.”
So throw Porky off the bridge
And then you’ll get some.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t get into a
Trivial argument. Play
Trivial Pursuits.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
These aren’t sex toys.
Friends, neighbors, coworkers, pets.
Stick with your own hand.


photo by Simply Schmoopie

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