Years ago, while driving around San Diego on a book tour, we saw what to us was the craziest road sign: the black silhouettes of two adults running for their lives, dragging a youngster behind them, all on a yellow, rectangular background. You don’t get many of those in the Northeast. (Though maybe you yanks are more familiar with it ever since all the “papers please” news started coming from Arizona.) It struck us how effective road signs are: succinct, powerful, instructional, universal, and sometimes entertaining, even if you don’t quite understand them (frost heaves, anyone?). So we were inspired to whittle your horoscope down to its purist form–behold, The Road Signs.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
HOV Only

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Be Prepared To Stop

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Recreational Area Turnoff

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Stop When Children In Crosswalk

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Divided Highway Begins

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Merge

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
No Stopping Inmates Working

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Lane Ends Merge Left

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Push Button For Green Light

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Falling Rocks Ahead

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Last Exit Before Toll

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t Fuck That Shit

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