Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Ouch. Sometimes the stars really tell it like it is. Like this week, they say you’ve got to lower your standards. Don’t worry, we don’t think you’re going to have to slum it; this week’s reading is probably just going for high melodrama to make sure you pay attention. But remember, at one extreme are the overly demanding perfectionists, and at the other extreme are all the wishy-washy types who stay with someone for their “potential.” Don’t let this horoscope scare you into the latter extreme. Rather, reconsider the standards you’re using to judge someone: Do a couple of cavities and bad flossing habits really constitute a relationship deal-breaker?
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We know, we know, you just want to get busy first and ask questions later. But good things come to those who wait, and those who wait eventually come real good. Um, anyway, get to know your partner better: find out their favorite color, do the crossword together, call their therapist, tail them when they leave your apartment just to see where they go without you…
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you want fast times with fast ladies (or fast gentlemen), you’ve got to keep up. You can’t be taking snack breaks every five minutes.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
According to the stars, you’ll be so busy “gallivanting” this week that you may forget to take note of all the appreciative attention you’ve been garnering lately. Gallivanting’s a funny old thing, isn’t it? When your grandmother says it, she means skipping through fields, and when we say it, we mean playing the field. Anyway, whatever kind of field you’re operating in, be sure to stop and smell the poppies.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
It’s the holiday season, people, why overanalyze everything? Why not focus on your partner for a change, instead of “the state of the relationship. ” Don’t put this paramour under the microscope just yet — they’re not ready for your pessimistic and picky questions and observations. That’s what New Year’s Resolutions are for.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Blame it on hormones, blame it on too many romantic comedies last week, blame it on procreating Hollywood couples like Kanye and Kim — whatever it is, you’ve got the urge to merge. Permanently. Avoid socializing in your same old haunts, lest you wind up making a lifelong commitment to your favorite barfly — think outside the box.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Remember that album by Pat Benatar called “Get Nervous”? The cover had her in black tights and black boots and a straight jacket with a creepy pin of a screaming baby on the sleeve. God, we loved that album. Its title track could be your anthem this week: “Anxiety, got me on the run. Anxiety, I just need someone. Anxiety, can’t get nothing done. Anxiety, spoils all the fun.” Pat always speaks the truth.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
People need people, but people get really annoyed by needy people. There’s a fine line between confidently stating your needs and wants, and wrapping yourself around someone’s ankle after the first date and begging, “Don’t leave me this way!” If you’re tempted to be too needy with a recent acquaintance, buy yourself a tub of ice cream. Or a puppy.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Suppress your road rage; be polite to your troll of a boss; give a saccharine smile to the neighbor who kept you up blaring the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack all night; give a penny, don’t take a penny. Channel all that aggression into the bedroom instead — with your partner’s permission, of course, though we have a feeling they’ll be delighted. Take charge for a change, and tell them what you’re going to do to them. And then do it…to “The Music of the Night.”
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The world is your field this week. Play it. Play hard. Play fair. Play to win. Rehydrate often.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Who’s gonna drive you home…tonight? You are, baby, ’cause you’re in the driver’s seat of the lovemobile this week! Just obey all speed limits and yield where necessary, because if you fight the law, the law will win.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week’s advice is very hard for us to dish out. It goes against everything we believe in, and it gets at the very core of what is wrong in so many relationships. But it’s only temporary, right? Short-term evil for long-term good? The ends justify the means? We hope you appreciate the gymnastics of self-justification we go through in order to stay in the business of advising you on your future. Anyway, here it is, we’ll say it real fast and pretend it never happened: Playalittlebithardtoget.